FacePalm Friday
Welcome to this week’s edition of FacePalm Friday.
This is where your hosts will list their top picks for this week’s FacePalm moment—something they learned or read about this week that caused the FacePalm to happen (you know, the expression of embarrassment, frustration, disbelief, shock, disgust or mixed humor as depicted in our Rally FacePalm smiley).
We invite you to add your FacePalm of the week to our comments. Go ahead and add a link, tell a personal story, or share something that triggered the FacePalm on the subject of child welfare or adoption. For AP blogs, make sure to add them to this week’s Blog-Gag-Me
Your Host’s Selections:
(1) Oh No! Not HGTV again!
Now Love it of List It (a show about remodeling Canadian homes and either staying after the remodel or selling/listing it to move) featured a family that just adopted an older girl from Russia –they have two bio boys and live in a 2 bedroom house!! The girl, Kira, has no bedroom! She’s sleeping in the master bedroom. 
How did THAT pass the homestudy?
(2) Senator Boxer helps family adopt illegal immigrant child who is going into a nursing home.
“Arcadia mother Eleanor DiFronzo has eight adopted children and two of her own. She was in the process of adopting her ninth child when she says immigration services lost the boy’s file.
Ramon Garcia came to live with DiFronzo when he was 4 years old. He had severe brain damage, and the developmental age and ability of an 8 month old.”
“Before DiFronzo could adopt Ramon, he needed to become a legal resident. Ramon was born in Mexico and came to the U.S. with his mother, but she gave him up. After DiFronzo was made his legal guardian, she began the process to get Ramon a green card.” [12 years ago, you started this?Hmmmmmm…]
“Ramon is now 16, and requires medical care beyond DiFronzo’s ability so he’s been moved to a 24-hour nursing facility. Yet DiFronzo has dreamed of adopting the son she calls hers.”
Great that you have helped him, but WHY does it matter to adopt him, especially since he will be living at a nursing facility.
After Boxer stepped in, “But DiFronzo is thrilled to tell everyone that not only did they finally locate the file, they issued the green card.
“Yup, it’s right here. That’s my result, right here, this little card,” she said. “Now we can get to the adoption. Once we have that, he is all ours.” He is yours? Mmmmhmmmm…
Get Garcia, Get Results: International Adoption Hits Snag on Green Card
[NBC Los Angeles 9/21/12 by Ana Garcia]
(3)Trailer Trash Honey Boo Boo Show reveals “adoption secrets”
What a lovely thing to reveal on TV…
…NOT!
(4)AAP Issues Guidance on Adoption
http://www.medpagetoday.com/Pediatrics/GeneralPediatrics/34920
What year is this again?
“Clinicians should teach adoptive parents to be open about the nature of the adoption with their child while still establishing that an adopted family is still a real family.” Real?
“”It is generally agreed that the child should be told of the adoption,” Generally?
“Parents should also tell their children through resources and pictures, if possible, “the story of how their family came to be.”
The authors noted adoptive parents should “model positive adoption language” for their children, including:
- Identifying siblings in the family through adoption as “real siblings” [If you say it enough times, does it make it true?]
- Noting that the biological parents did not “given up [the child] for adoption,” but instead made “an adoption plan for a child“[What if they didn’t?]
- Not identifying the biological parents as “natural” parents to avoid implying adoptive families are unnatural
- Not identifying the child solely by their race, birth in another country, or adopted status.”
“Adopted children also may experience adoption-related feelings of loss, which “may be more rooted in societal expectations of genetically based attachments rather than in any inherent biological loss,” the authors wrote.”
“In families who have adopted a child of a different race or culture, parents should “acknowledge openly the racial differences that exist between their child and themselves,” 
No way! Thanks for sharing that. We had NO idea!
“Parents who have not experienced racism with a child of a different race may also need to teach their child about handling racism.”
(5) Brotherhood of the Traveling Sperm 
Danish sperm donor passes on genetic disease to at least 43 children from 14 clinics and 10 countries. 
Denmark will now restrict this market… slightly ” limiting the use of sperm from a single donor to 12 pregnancies from October 1 and immediately stop using sperm from any donor suspected of having passed on a genetic disorder.”
Danish sperm donor passes genetic disorder to five children [France 24 9/24/12]
This American family spent 7+ yrs pursuing a decidedly corrupt Guatemalan adoption. It is now final. Their 2 new children speak no English and the APs didn’t bother to learn a word of Spanish:
http://prayingthemhome.blogspot.ca/2012/09/only-god.html?m=1
(I believe it is a case touched on in Fibding Fernanda)
PAPs that fundraise most adoption expenses bc they spend their $ on 5* Disney trips
http://findingourlittleone.blogspot.ca/2012/09/disney.html?m=1
Wow…just wow…what idiot would give these people money! How *shameful* to ask others to fund your adoption when they put their money towards vacations.The epitome of entitlement…
APs who brag about spending essentially ZERO time with their kid… is it any wonder the kid allegedly “isn’t attaching” to Mommy?!?
AP Forever2Young (scroll down to the comments) writes that “Respite (for her tweenage adopted kid) is a good thing. A huge support team is awesome. I think it might be God’s way for ensuring community and keeping my pride in check ;). Your not alone! We use respite for three hour every weekday after school including a homework helper. We use weekend respite two to three weekends a month. It’s a good thing. “
On weekdays:
8 hrs of school +
3 hrs “homework helpers”
11 hrs/weekday AP does not see her kid
2-3 weekends per month respite = 1-2 weekends per month the AP spends with her kid.
Why on earth have kids if you intend to spend no more than 48 hrs x twice a month with them?!?
http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trauma/the-downward-descent/
Gotta love PAPs who are matched with a kid without even having completed a homestudy!!
http://www.definingcrazy.com/2012/10/time-for-miracle.html?m=1
I’d like to point out that the vast majority of special needs children available for adoption in this particular EE country are pre-identified by their prospective adoptive parents….meaning a family finds a child on the government’s special needs list whom they wish to adopt, and then they have a homestudy expressly written / tailored to the specific requirements of this country. If there are problems with a family’s eligibility to adopt a pre-identified child, the processes already put in place by the US and the foreign country will identify them before the adoption is allowed to proceed.
But hey, let’s not let facts get in the way of your anti-adoption agenda. =P
We are not anti-adoption. Extremely lame strawman. Read what anti-adoption is at https://reformtalk.net/2011/09/27/tuesday-term-anti-adoption/
The MAJORITY of these adoptions involve an organization or individuals who go into orphanages and copy private information and paste it all over the internet and fundraise like the children are lost puppies. They are not proceeding by the regulations. You are quite uninformed if you think the embassies are willing to stop this. Read the US embassy cables from Guatemala or Vietnam. The embassies did not even care that women were being KILLED for their children. And you leave out that PAPs are told to LIE to the foreign and US government about how they found their information and what the large amount of fees they paid to facilitators were, etc. But hey, keep your head in the sand and move along…nothing to see here…
Excuse me, but I do know the process in this specific country very well, and I was speaking only of this country, not Guatemala, Vietnam, or any other country. The family you are bashing for not having their homestudy completed before being matched with a child has followed each step of the step-by-step process set up BY THE CHILD’S COUNTRY! This is exactly how it is done, no one is stealing information they aren’t entitled to have, this family was NOT told to LIE to anyone, so please get off your high horse of outrage.
And don’t look now, but your bias is showing….
The part about Vietnam and Guatemala is to show you the evidence that you can see for free on the internet that Embassies will approve situations whether they are good or bad. The fact that an Embassy approves someone has NOTHING to do with the ethical nature of the adoption or EVEN the moral or legal aspect. And THAT is part of why international adoption needs reform. If the government doesn’t stop agencies by not banning them and they grant visas no matter what, then there cannot be real change.
Now,being matched with a child before homestudy is complete is the process of “the country”? International adoption needs to follow rules of all jurisdictions and it is wholly unethical to reserve a child for a family that is not paper ready. Are you seriously claiming that the this “country” wants to/does match ineligible people with a child? Ineligible means not approved or not approved YET.Eligible means homestudy has been approved and some federal documents have been applied-different form for Hague and nonHague country. This is a country in Eastern Europe we are talking about. I DARE you to show me the link on the US DOS that says this is OK. Eligibility and filing documents first, then referral/being matched. Just because agencies don’t follow rules, doesn’t make it ok and that is why it was mentioned in the comments to begin with. These people don’t even have documentation of their criminal background checks yet.How does an adoption supposedly get expedited when a homestudy isn’t complete?
The spreading of information on the internet is apparent because we wouldn’t even know about this case if it wasn’t plastered about.
Ok, it seems there has been a misunderstanding over terms here. In this case (because I know the family involved), the family has not yet received an official referral for the child, they have been “matched” with a child so the child’s file could be put “on hold” for their family while they complete their homestudy and assemble their official dossier. This process of being “matched” with a pre-identified child is completely and totally approved by USCIS and by this child’s country, and is one of the ways families can legally adopt a child from this particular Hague-compliant country. Another way to adopt from this country is to ask for a “blind referral”, meaning the family applies to the country to be placed on their waiting list, and then at some point in the future, possibly 2-3 years later, the country will issue an official referral of a child of the govt’s choosing to the family. I will not speak to any other countries as I have not researched the laws/policies in place for countries other than this specific one (which I cannot name due to privacy issues).
Once the family’s homestudy is complete and they have been approved by USCIS (US Dept of Immigration, not a US Embassy in a foreign country), the family will send their completed dossier to the child’s government, at which time the government will issue travel dates for the family to go meet the child they wish to adopt. After traveling, the family must either decide to accept the child’s referral or decline to complete the process. If they choose to continue through the process, the child’s government will then issue an official referral of the child in question, and several months later the family will make a second trip to pick up their child. The US Embassy is not involved in the family’s pre-adoption approval process and only gets involved when the family applies for the child’s visa.
Again, I will state that there have been no underhanded or backroom dealings, no illegal sharing of information, nothing unethical or immoral whatsoever involved in this particular adoption by this particular family. The agency involved has not broken any laws, they have followed the process set in place by USCIS and the child’s government, not to mention the international Hague agreement, TO THE LETTER.
If you don’t agree with the way the laws are written, then you are within your rights to petition the governments in question to have these laws changed, but to attempt to paint this family and agency as unethical or immoral is disingenuous and unconscionable. But I guess it’s easy to spout off your opinion that this family has engaged in inappropriate activity when you’re hiding behind a screen of anonymity.
Putting a file on hold for an unapproved family IS unethical as I stated in my last response. That is different from attempting to adopt a child that is on some type of special needs listing by a government.
Promising a family that an adoption will be expedited when a homestudy is not complete/dossier not registered is unethical and outrageous.
Placing a child file “on hold” in a Hague adoption without an approved homestudy which would be part of a dossier is Hague-compliant and to the letter, huh?
That differs from the actual rules that are clearly stated in order http://www.uscis.gov/portal/site/uscis/menuitem.eb1d4c2a3e5b9ac89243c6a7543f6d1a/?vgnextchannel=a22c741b78c73210VgnVCM100000082ca60aRCRD&vgnextoid=a22c741b78c73210VgnVCM100000082ca60aRCRD Steps of the Process
1.Choose a Hague Accredited ASP (and perhaps also an immigration attorney).
2.Obtain a home study from someone authorized to complete a Hague adoption home study.
3.Apply to USCIS before adopting a child or accepting a placement for a determination that one is suitable for intercountry adoption.
4.Once USCIS approves the application, work with the adoption service provider to obtain a proposed adoption placement.
It sounds like promises are being made by the agency that cannot be guaranteed. This is not a matter of semantics but order in which agencies do things that differ from both spirit and letter of regulations. All of us in adoption reform regularly report and petition things. People come here to share real-life examples of why we need to do so.
This is my last word on this matter and then I’m done. If you choose to remain ignorant after I have laid out the FACTS, then that won’t be my problem.
This family IS trying to adopt a special needs child off the country’s special needs list. They have been “pre-approved” to adopt this child by the child’s government. Her is how it works:
1) The child’s file is placed with a specific “foundation” in the child’s country BY THE CHILD’S GOVERNMENT for two months.
2) These Foundations are given the authority BY THEIR GOVERNMENT to recruit families seeking to adopt that particular child.
3a) If at the end of two months an adoptive family is not found, the child’s file goes back to the Ministry of Justice to be distributed to another foundation.
3b) If, on the other hand, a family comes forward within that two month window, the family then fills out paperwork seeking permission FROM THE CHILD’S GOVERNMENT to place this child “on hold” for 6 months while they complete their dossier.
Again, there is NOTHING unethical about this practice, every agency and foundation working with this country follow this exact same procedure, because that is how their LAWS state it should be done.
If you don’t like how their laws read, then move to that country, become a citizen, and petition the government to change the laws. I’d guess a few citizens of other countries don’t particularly care for some of OUR laws, but that doesn’t give them the right to change them arbitrarily. This is THEIR COUNTRY, and only THEY have the right to make the laws which govern their country.
And just an FYI, your list of “rules” doesn’t say anything about pre-identifying a child. This step happens between step #1 and step #2. No one is trying to circumvent the Hague process, no one is doing anything illegal or unethical. Just because your list doesn’t show that step doesn’t mean the step doesn’t exist. The vast majority of special needs adoptions in this country are of pre-identified children who were placed “on hold” until their families can complete their dossiers and travel to meet the children in question. Otherwise, each child could be adopted by any other family who managed to get to the child first. Other Eastern European countries such as Russia or Ukraine do not allow the “pre-identification” of children listed in their “waiting child” database, but THIS ONE DOES. Please do your research and stop bashing families who are following the rules set out BY THIS COUNTRY!
The ever-popular incredibly distasteful and exploitative video prepaerd by PAPs to encourage folks to give them money to adopt PORE LIL CHILDDRENS from an orphanage. Two particularly kids, listed on RR specifically:
http://www.ahousethatlovebuilt.blogspot.ca/2012/10/love-will-bring-us-home-giveaway.html
The PAP puts words into the kids’ mouths’: “We [2 boys in Ukraine] need your help to leave all this [the orphanage, where they may well receive regular visits from their bioparents] behind. We wait for love [presumptuously, the love of the PAP] to bring us home [to the PAP in the US”.
Totally unethical PAPs who brag about adopting a kid not legally available for adoption… the kind of PAP that is DELIGHTED that their adoption agency:
“is finally in contact with [boy they wanna adopt]’s biodad and has received his signature, praise jesus. But now we are told we need the paternal grandparents signature as well. Boo.”
Why not adopt a kid who is LEGALLY available for adoption? Why hunt down biorelatives who have not relinquished their rights to a child BECAUSE THEY LOVE THE KID AND DO NOT WANT HIM ADOPTED?? Why on earth would a PAP pray to Jesus to get the biofamily out of the picture?! That’s the most awful thing. Ever.
http://jupinfamily.blogspot.ca/2012/09/babel.html
This is really sick.
I love the argument! (above). Let’s see:
1. We’re not anti-adoption because our own definition says we’re not.
Faboo! Then I’m not white because my definition says I’m not either! Yipee.
2. Is anyone reading this unsure of the “country” we’re speaking about? *coughcoughBULGARIAcoughcough*. Right. Some random EE country that has a process that allows for file holds on pre-identified waiting children – children who have already been vetted by the SENDING COUNTRY as legally availalble for adoption. Children whose files have been presented to at least three families in the SENDING COUNTRY prior to admission on the list.
A list, by the way, that is PUBLIC. Readable by anyone. A list that contains details including location, birthdate, gender, and a list of special needs of the child. The only thing lacking is photographs, and you can argue that – even convincingly – but beyond that, apparently this “random EE country” seems to think it’s perfectly fine to post this stuff on its own website.
3. Who’s complicit here? This site is often about the evils of adoption and appears to focus hard on adopting families and US agencies. Let’s play that out. The adopting family, who attempts to place the child on “hold” while they complete their paperwork and wait for approval from this random EE country is obviously awful. The US adoption agency who “allows” this atrocity is awful. Who else? The facilitators in this country are awful, because they present the files to the Ministry of Justice in this random EE country. The IAC is awful because they issue the referral to this terrible family who works with a corrupt adoption agency and a money-hungry facilitator. I mean, the only thing left would be if you told me that these families have to go to Bulgaria with ten grand strapped to their waist in unmarked bills…oh wait, that’s just RUSSIA!
Anyone who is familiar with, or who has adopted from Bulgaria knows that the MOJ is hardly the rubber stamp this site wants to make it out to be. They can, and DO, say no. Yes, even if a family is pursuing a waiting child; yes, even if a file is placed “on hold”.
When a file is given to a Bulgarian facilitator, it is no longer available to other facilitators. Is this really any different than placing a file on hold for a family? If the family does not meet the requirements, then the file is returned. If the facilitator doesn’t locate a family for the child, the file is also returned and recycled to others. There is no earthly reason why this practice is unethical. It would be considered so if families were rubber stamped upon dossier submission, but only an uneducated fool would think that. And I know the dear folks here at Reform Talk would NEVER be uneducated fools. They pride themselves on transparency and knowledge.
Oh, and “Name”? Those here at REform Talk have freely admitted they are biased. Look carefully at past comments. When confronted, they will openly admit a bias. Most people reading can tell this, but a few can’t. That’s sad. I agree with Rally and others here on the troubling trend of “child collectors” and unethical programs that existed in Guatemala and Vietnam, for instance. But, like many good ideas, it goes horribly amuck when the bias of anti-adoption sentiment drips down on to everything presented.
Personally, I’m not biased because I say I’m not. And if it’s good enough for this site, it’s definitely good enough for me.
Please go chase child collectors, child “savers” and real issues in IA. There is plenty to go around.
Thank you so much for clarifying how you are right and the Dept of state and we are wrong. I suggest that you contact the DOS right away and tell them to modify their site because they are completely stupid. They say “If both the United States and Bulgaria determine that you are eligible to adopt, and a child is available for intercountry adoption, the central adoption authority in Bulgaria may provide you with a referral for a child. ” and you are saying that the country approves the PAP before paperwork and hands them a referral first. And I love that “secret” about the process between between steps 1 and 2 because of course, we should just believe you. Also, please tell USCIS that they need to release that secret to the rest of the world as they have it wrong too! And you are right abouthe ethics too. How dare a paper ready person snatch a child from a facilitator-hold. That child was God-ordained for them. You really set us straight. Thanks again!
We are adoptive parents who would like adoption to remain an option for children but it is not going to remain open because of how agencies continue to operate. Congrats on contributing to shutting things down!
Name 5:50 PM on Oct. 4 – Ah yes, the Bulgaria adoption program. I’ve no doubt that you’re thrilled that a charming PAP Denise Davis has passed all the rigorous (cough cough cough) pre-screening, Reece’s Rainbow & USCIS vetting to simultaneously adopt TWO Bulgarian children.
This is a PAP that admits on her PUBLIC blog to medically neglecting one of her adopted kids. (She failed to take her son to the dentist for a simple root canal; she left the kid in agony for two weeks, let his face swell from infection before belatedly taking him to the ER):
http://nachalaadopt.blogspot.ca/2012/05/patrick-and-update-on-medical.html?m=1
The PAP has been approved by both USCIS and Bulgaria to simultaneously adopt 2 kids with SN, specifically Cystic Fibrosis (CF). She even posts cute pics of BOTH kids snuggling her son on her blog:
http://www.nachalaadopt.blogspot.ca/2012/09/and-ew-more-photos.html?m=0
And claims to have researched CF, like a responsible parent:
http://www.nachalaadopt.blogspot.ca/2012/10/i800-studying-and-more.html?m=0
Except official CF guidelines recommend that folks with cf avoid infection by, among other things:
“• Avoid close and prolonged contact with other individuals with CF.
• Maintain a minimum distance of three feet from other people with CF”
Hmmmm, sure doesn’t look like 3 feet of space to prevent infection in the cute pics of BOTH kids cuddled up in her lap and posted in her blog.
http://www.cysticfibrosis.ca/assets/files/pdf/Infection_Control_and_CFE.pdf
The guidelines also note, that to prevent infection, kid’s with CF should NOT be in the same classroom to reduce the risk of infections, should stay 3 feet away from each other at all times, etc:
“More than one child
with CF may attend
the same school.
When possible, they
should not share the
same classroom. To
lower exposure to germs, they should try to stay at least three feet apart. Ask the school to schedule common activities, such as gym, at different times.”
Denise will have 2 kids with CF sharing a bedroom. Serious risk of infection for both kids. CF Guidelines AND Pulmonigists explicitelty advise AGAINST it. Heck, the experts recommend 2 kids with cf not be in the same class at school to prevent infection.
“People with CF who live together can “share” the same CF germs. To decrease the spread of germs, they should limit contact with each other’s mucous membranes, sputum or phlegm. People with CF should not share res- piratory equipment, airway clearance devices, toothbrushes, eating utensils or drinking cups or any- thing that has been in contact with mucous membranes, sputum or phlegm. When coughing, germs can spread up to three
feet (about an arm’s length). Performing airway clearance at different times and in different rooms can help decrease the spread of germs.”
Is it not totally irresponsible to allow a person who flat-out refuses to follow basic infection-prevention recommendations from CF Specialist Doctors to adopt 2 kids with CF??
This PAP is intentionally ignoring the advice of the CF Foundation, an organization that that is credited with increasing the life expectancy of people with CF from 3 yrs (in the 1930s) to 35+ today?!?
http://www.cff.org/UploadedFiles/LivingWithCF/StayingHealthy/Germs/StoppingTheSpread/StoppingSpreadGerms.pdf
Do you really, truly believe that PAP Denise Davis is prepared to PROPERLY care for 2 kids with CF? That the authorities have properly screened her? Do you really, truly believe that a woman who failed to get her existing kid’s toothache appropriately addressed is likely to properly care for two more kids with significant SN? Would you trust her to, say, babysit your kids?
And does the fact that this utterly unprepared PAP has been deemed qualified by US and Bulgarian authorities not scare the HELL out of you?!?