Blog-Gag-Me
Readers have sent us (and we have happened upon) so many adoption blogs and blog entries that are offensive, dangerous set-ups for the children, unethical, illegal and/or crazy that it exceeds our FacePalm capacity. We invite anyone to add to our list and we encourage you to use our red flags and child collector numbers as you reference your entry.
Find the Red flags at this link and the Child Collector numbers at this link.
The symbols explain why the particular blog or blog entry is of concern if it isn’t already obvious.In case you forget to add a reference to your entry, we will add that as a reply to your comment .
One
Hattip to a reader for forwarding this referral “notice”on
http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.de/2012/10/the-news-ive-been-wating-three-years-to.html
The reader remembers this blogger writing about God selecting a pregnant African woman to be the birthmother of the baby meant to join her family.Another post that I saw downplayed race while citing the doomed future of the unknown child if not adopted.
Two
Hat tip to a different reader who sends this one on. It is a Reece’s Rainbow client who was denied a homestudy and the entitlement oozes as our reader says ” because she has spent money on this adoption they “owe” it to her to approve her homestudy, even if they have concerns.”
http://thisgiftofmine.blogspot.com/2012/10/bucket-of-tears.html
The denial reason was because they had “too many special needs kids”. Such reason and analysis! We hardly see this anymore.Now, where do we send a commendation to this social worker for DOING HER JOB?Kudos to the Social Worker!
You see, the blogger said adoption is her “life work” and SHE had one more goal to meet…international adoption. I mean really isn’t this ALL ABOUT HER and HER NEEDS! Not! And by golly, not only is she demanding an approval, but she also wants an approval FOR TWO special needs kids at once! And even though they have been denied, they still receive more photolisted pictures of the child!
Three
Photolisting child on your personal blog plus the YouTube hard-sell
http://sammynmick.blogspot.com/
So many Gag-worthy blogs, so little time:
1) APs who just adopted a Ukrainian kid who really, truly cannot get it through their skulls that many kiddos in an orphanage are not available for adoption because they HAVE parents and who LOVE them, visit them regularly and do not want them adopted.
This lovely RR AP writes about non-adoptable kids:
“I have since looked for her, but it doesn’t seem she’s available for adoption. Like many children there, her parents decided to keep her in the orphanage. It’s called being a social orphan. A terrible, hopeless fate.”
Nooo. It’s a kid who HAS parents, likely doing the very best they can under tough circumstances.
This AP continues “I know these kids’ greatest wish is not Disneyland or even being able to walk or live in a nice house, but it’s having a Mama and Papa. ”
The AP has no way to know this – she speaks no Ukrainian or Russian.
“So please consider one of these children as your own. Be brave about it. Speak to your spouse about it. Adoption saves lives. These kids have AMC like my kids, and potential like my kids, and yet they are lost. They are without love.”
Except in the case where APs kill or abuse the kids they adopt. Or move from, say, a groupa of 8 in an orphanage to “forever family” with 18 high needs SN kids (and end up with even less care/personal attention than they had at the babyhouse).
http://www.laeliasky.com/2012/10/19/the-amcers-we-left-behind/
2) The AP who understand the adoption agency they’ve hired requires them to pre-pay for 4 follow up reports (as they’d adopted 2 unrelated Ukrainian kids with SN a few months back) is suddenly *shocked* she’s required to pre-pay the follow-up reports on the THIRD unrelated child she’s trying to adopt… less than 6 months later.
http://findingourlittleone.blogspot.ca/2012/10/very-discouraged.html?m=1
(this is the PAP that is fundraising nearly all their adoption costs, but took the whole fam on a luxury trip to Disney anyways; they’ve since taken down the post explaining that posh vacations were their family’s “thing” despite begging for $$ to adopt, but did post pics of their Disney trip:
http://findingourlittleone.blogspot.ca/2012/09/back-to-reality.html?m=1)
3) PAPs who’ve been trying to adopt a Guatemalan boy for years who are **convinced** a grave injustice has been done by returning said child to his biomom. The PAPs write that:
“We are disturbed and highly motivated as we have good reason to believe that the birthmother’s sudden willingness to end the adoption and take Micah was the result of grave threats from an individual in the Guatemalan judicial system. We are additionally alarmed that this is simply the latest in a string of similar decisions with suspicious circumstances.”
Because there’s never been corruption in Guat adoptions? Because its sooo horrible this boy has been returned to his biomom who may not even have wanted to relinquish him in the first place???
http://guatemala900.org/wp/?p=2733
4) PAPs who bully a Ukrainian biofamily AFTER the 2 girls they hope to adopt say they don’t want to be adopted. The PAPs refused to take no for an answer. When they asked the 2 girls if they wanted to be adopted
“Nastia (older girl they wanted to adopt) blurted out something to the effect that “we already have a mother in Ukraine”! She also mentioned that they had two little brothers that they hadn’t seen in 10 months”
The PAPs did some more digging:
“A couple of days later, we learned some new information about the girls and their situation that shed some light into the girls’ earlier reaction to adoption…
1. The girls’ grandmother was the issue, not their mother. She had told them before they came that they are not to find new parents when they come to the U.S.
2. Nastia (older girl they want to adopt) doesn’t really want to listen to her grandmother but Vika (younger girl they want to adopt) does. I found this a little strange as I would have expected the opposite. Vika seems to be having a slightly better time than Nastia and she is certainly the more “clingy” of the two. But she is much younger and more manipulative, and I have never been a parent so I am pretty clueless anyway!
3. Their grandmother is very close to them. She takes them to church regularly and is definitely a big part of their lives.
So of course that brings up an additional list things to consider…
1. What is the grandmother’s motivation? Is she being selfish or protective?
2. Is the grandmother the only stability in the girls’ lives? Is SHE the reason they are so well behaved and adjusted?”
Turns out the girls Ukrainian biogranny worked at their orphanage so she could see/spend time with her biograndaughters EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Saddest part? These PAPs are now APs. To these girls… who had a Ukrainian family that loved them. Barf.
http://www.martitimes.blogspot.ca/2010/07/thunderation.html?m=1
5) APs who adopt 3 unrelated kids simultaneously, ship the oldest off to the ghastly, unlicensed The Ranch for Kids and disrupt, all inside 13 months… and insist its all part of the Lords plan. Double barf.
“Our life has turned upside down a bit and we are trying to make sense of it. In January of this year, after much prayer and seeking wise counsel, we chose to send Lizzie to a therapeutic home in Texas. After many months and thousands of dollars in medical expenses, we could no longer provide for her emotional needs. She was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder last year and in the best interest of her and our smaller children, we decided to remove her from our home. It was, by far, the most difficult decision we’ve had to face as a married couple. But, we know that God is Sovereign and that He has allowed this to happen for His glory. We know that He loves Lizzie more than we could every imagine and that He has a perfect plan for her life. We had to remove our own personal opinions about what to do and only seek Him and His direction for our lives and her life. God led us to a wonderful organization that has been so supportive and helpful in the journey. We know things will only get better for Lizzie and for our family as she seeks healing and restoration in Texas. We trust that God knows what He is doing in her heart and we have to let go and let God do the work, not us.”
http://journeythruthehills.blogspot.ca/2012/05/time-flies-when-you-are-on-island.html?m=0
Wait a minute. So the family that puts their child in some therapeutic ranch because they can’t handle the kid is evil, but these poor parents in foreign nations who deposit their kid in an orphanage are somehow saints? You think there are parents lined up at the orphanage doors in these countries, their faces cast downwards, their little hands clasped together, visiting their kid every day, every week or every month? Do you know how rare that actually is? It does happen, and in situations where it’s happening – great. A situation as described in this comment is not one where I would want to see a kid adopted necessarily. A kid needs a stable family-like environment to grow, not always adoption. If that’s present in the orphanage with societal and family supports, fabulous. But get real. It’s not happening often. What’s happening is that these parents choose to place in the orphanage, and due to ineffective paperwork and a host of other system failures, the child is never legally relinquished. Meanwhile, parents go about their business. Some may visit – maybe once a year? Twice a year? (Christmas and birthday are popular). They might bring a gift, spend a half hour, and go about their lives. Is that parenting? Is that a stable environment for a child with a constant rotation of caregivers, understaffed baby houses, and inadequate food, clothing, or education? What – because Mommy shows up at Christmas and didn’t get her paperwork in order to relinquish, they are mother of the year now? Because they live in a country that simply cannot provide the robust support required for this child to be parented, the child should languish? Because the society they live in does not accept or will not provide support for a special need child, we should allow that child to remain in an orphanage, with staff to child ratio hovering somewhere in the neighborhood of 1:20, inadequate nutrtition, healthcare, and basic education?
Not every orphanage is like that. But MANY are. The parent who decided that God wanted the kid in the ranch should be ashamed. Period. But at least that kid is getting some real basic services, far better than in many orphanages. For the kids who have a grandmother who is active in their lives and who live in an orphanage that is providing services otherwise, great. They should stay. But the vast majority of these children are left to inadquate, downright dangerous and neglectful care with parents who never visit or visit so rarely, the children don’t even recognize who they are.
An orphanage is not drop off day care because Mommy is homeless, or unemployed, or a drug addict. An orphanage can be a TEMPORARY solution, but these are not children who are in temporary situations. They have been there for years. And years. You think there are visitors? Here’s my magic wand full of fairy dust for you. If you look at my child’s file you will see he was never visited. If you ask him, he will tell you he cannot remember any visitors. But I’m sure he’s just the exception…probably should have stayed where he was, with no education, two substandard meals per day, with parasites that needed treatment and requiring surgery on his leg for two years.
I have to say that your comment is strange as you are arguing with your own strawmen. Who ever has said that biological family in foreign countries are saints? No one ever on this blog.Who said every parent visits in the manner you say at an orphanage? No one here -author or commenter- ever has.The rest of your made up stories about pretend bio families and their motivations and challenges is just that-made up. No one here ever said that they want children to languish-quite the opposite. Again you argue with yourself.
I think that this family that sent their child to the Ranch is the same one that tweeted all about it. That is nuts.And I have no idea why you think basic services are being given at the Ranch as they are unlicensed and always have been. Montana has been trying to shut them down and the owners are trying to say now that they are part of a church ministry as they evade being shut down. I think you need to use your magic wand full of fairy dust on yourself .Maybe you could get some clarity on the issues that we discuss here.
My experience has been completely different. Every orphanage I have ever been in (in multiple countries) I have seen family visiting their kids. Every child? No, but many. The premise behind IA is not supposed to be about picking and choosing which ones PAPs want and children with families are not supposed to be eligible. It is incredibly audacious to think one can go to any country and declare a child theirs. No wonder the system is the mess it is in.
I cant talk in generalities, but in this PARTICULAR case (#4, above) the biofamily saw and Vika (2 girls the American PAPs wanted to adopt) daily – biogranny and bioaunt worked at the orphanage. And the PAPs knew it & blogged about it:
“the grandmother and the girls’ aunt (biofamily of Vika and Nastya) both work at the orphanage and technically they do not have a say in the matter. ”
The PAPs admit that the orphanage is what “(american) people as what we would consider a boarding school”
These PAPs also blogged that the girls they wanted to adopt “normally they spend weekends with grandma”.
!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!
The biogranny* got a job at the orphanage SPECIFICALLY so that she could see her granddaughters daily!!
The PAPs (APs, actually, since they did adopt the girls) went so far as to:
“We will make our case to the grandmother directly and rely on God to change her heart”
This is so horrible. These 2 Ukrainian girls had family that loved and wanted them and saw them every. Single. Day. The APs bullied the biofamily and asked God for kids who weren’t in need of a family!! They already had one!!
http://www.martitimes.blogspot.ca/2010/08/letter.html?m=1
http://www.martitimes.blogspot.ca/2010/09/things-get-worse-things-get-better.html?m=1
* according to the PAPs/APs blog the biomom lost the girls due to drug addiction.
(as an aside, these supposedly orphaned girls spent waaaaay more time with their biofamily than I spent with mine. My parents divorced, my dad got custody and I spent 2 wks/yr with my mom).
It is a conocopia of Gag-worthy, child collecting, unethical and illegal behavior by mostly (but not exclusively) Reece’s Rainbow PAPs. It is a linky-list of PAPs who are currently begging for cash from strangers online, aka “fundraising”, to adopt SN kids. There are tons of photos, private medical info, etc on nearly all of the linked blogs despite the not yet having any legal claim (or even an official referral) for the kids in Russian, Bulgarian, Ukrainian orphanages:
http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2012/10/online-fundraisers-happening-now.html?m=1
Adele Salem, the blogger, is an AP and a PAPs, having adopted 4 unrelated (3 with SN) kids in the past few years, who is currently in the process of adopting 2 more unrelated kids from Bulgaria with severe SN, and also has 3 biokids.
Typically I don’t go to these blogs because they depress me, but I ventured to click on the one you posted. I.AM.SHOCKED.
Look at this crap: http://www.findingrdaughter.blogspot.com/p/fundraisers-events.html
PAPs are taking pride in being serial adopters??
The blog is beyond offensive in so many ways. My personal pet peeve is the PAPs who seem to think they know exactly what God has intended for these children. The audacity of their campaigns is mind boggling.
Can this get any worse?
Both of my boys, adopted from Serbia, were social orphans. They both have Down syndrome. BOTH of their families visited during their stay in the institutions. Those visits did them absolutely no good except to show the birth parents how horrible the institutions were. In both cases the birth parents watched the decline of their children while in institutional care, and it was that decline that prompted them to allow their children to be adopted. They took a chance that someone would find their children and signed their rights away.
The day of my son’s 7th birthday his family was at the institution having a birthday party for him. (he was oblivious because he had long since detached from people by that point). It was during that birthday party they were informed a family was coming for him. I can only imagine the bitter sweet feelings they experienced in that moment. Knowing he was leaving forever and yet he would have a much better life. I have met several hundred other children who are also “social orphans” who haven’t been so lucky. When we first started our adoption journey it was for a child we were told through RR was legally available for adoption. She wasn’t. (surprise!) Her parental rights were still “partially intact” (this was told to us by the Serbian ministry) and her birth family hadn’t seen her since the day of her birth. In cases such as this Serbia has no laws governing the amount of time a child has been abandoned before being released for adoption, either domestic or foreign. Fortunately for this child a good thing has happened. A foster home has been found for her and she’s bonding well with them. But even the Serbian ministry agrees her medical needs will likely never be met. She will probably die before she ages out.
That’s the way it’s *supposed* to go; the child staying in their country of birth and not going through the trauma of international adoption. Sadly for the vast majority there is no happy ending. I am all for keeping the child in their country of birth whenever possible….when it’s GOOD for the child. When ALL their needs are being met, not just the basics of clothing and shelter. (I didn’t list food because one of my sons lived in a foster home for 18 months before we took custody of him, and he was severely under weight, malnourished, and at age 10 had yet to step foot in a school or educational setting.) There are so many children who are able to be educated who get nothing. So many children who’s medical needs are not even diagnosed, much less satisfied.
In my opinion, international adoption is just plain difficult. There are so many variables involved and every single case – every single child – is different. I agree, I really dislike hearing families complain about birth families. But I have to say, if the child we originally intended to adopt had birth parents who cared enough to release her for adoption, she could have been adopted by a Serbian family and never fear being transferred again. As it stands now, she will always have that fear. She will never attend school. The damage done by the lack of medical care is irreparable and will ultimate be her demise.
Thank for sharing your real-life perspective. We agree that international adoption should be on the menu of options and each case individually assessed. I still don’t think the options for these children should be IA with a child collector or their current rotten environment. Improvements on both ends need to be met. On the foreign country side-basic care of the child and try to find a solution for some of the medical needs be it medical visas to other countries for temp. care or bringing in medical care…it will take more time than any of us would like, but on the receiving side, families need to be better assessed for these placements and therapeutically trained and I even think to have proof of the care they will receive in the US by the doctors who promise care as is done with children with HIV.
Medical visas….sigh….I have specifically asked the Serbian ministry if they would allow a child to come under medical visa (in our state you still have to be homestudy approved to provide care for kids on medical visas) but at this time they won’t let it happen. There are SO MANY kids who Serbian families would consider adopting in their most severe medical needs had been take care of.
So the hold up is on the Serbian side, not the US side? Is there a way that we could promote a petition to change this?
Serbia is in the midst of reform right now. I new minister (president) was elected in June. His wife is said to be very involved with humanitarian issues. I’m hoping to have a dialogue going with her sometime around late spring or early summer. Serbia is *trying* to make changes but like everything it takes a lot of time…and a lot of money. There is such a huge shortage of foster homes! That said, when I was there a year ago there were some great PSA’s about Down syndrome on T.V! It was so exciting to see them. I also
stalkedfollowed a group of adults with DS through the big mall in Belgrade. I wished I could speak Serbian so I could tell them I have three kids at home just like them and YAY for being out in the WORLD like everyone else.Serbia is also trying to address the corruption involved in adoptions out of the country. The facilitator I was made to use during my first adoption (RR affiliated) was arrested and will be standing trial for – among other things – child trafficking. I had to give a deposition which was submitted as evidence. Still, there are two agencies I know of here in the US who are advertising Serbian adoptions , to the tune of $45,000, for kids who do not exist. Believe me, it makes me want to scream.
Leah, glad to hear that some reforms are beginning. Is there any Serbian media that is covering this arrest and trial that you know of?
$45,000! That is mind-boggling!
No media that I’m aware of. She is considered “small time”. (though 50 or so kids would have been involved.) I keep checking the local papers. I just asked the ministry last week if they know of a trial date yet but they weren’t aware of one. I did a blog post about that original meeting on May 9th 2011. http://gardenofeagan.blogspot.com/2011/05/formal-announcement.html
If you go to the link of this adoption agency you’ll see the completely inaccurate information they give about adoptions in Serbia and Montenegro (Montenegro isn’t even open right now!) http://www.adoptionsforever.org/prohighlights.html
And if you email the agency International Family Services about their Serbian program you’ll get an emailed response with these details:
http://serbianadoption.blogspot.com/2012/10/are-you-researching-serbian-adoption.html
Thanks for the information. 50 kids is considered small time? Wow…
“it was that decline that prompted them to ****ALLOW**** (emphasis added) their children to be adopted. They took a chance that someone would find their children and signed their rights away”.
Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes, Leah. The biofamilies of your Serbian kids ALLOWED them to be adopted. (The case of family #4 above is totally different; in that particular, SPECIFIC case it sure looks like those SPECIFIC girls could have happily lived with their biofamily if given even the teeniest bit of help).
I hadn’t realised that Serbian law does not have a due process/legislation for declaring a child parentless (ideally after tracking down their relatives and legitimately determining that there is no one who can adequately care for them) — this is a law that Serbia should definitely look into.
As I have said before, one of the things that blogging publicly means is that you open yourself up to criticism. Sometimes the questions and concerns are with merit while other times it comes from people with an agenda or a bias. Judging by the comments I am seeing about our case and others, I am seeing a little bit of both. You don’t have to come to incorrect conclusions about our situation or others you have held up as “evil”. At least in our case, you really could just ask. Nevertheless, no hard feelings. Reasonable, educated people can disagree on things even AFTER they have taken the time to gather the facts.
I should also mention that things were blogged as we learned them. At times, like in any situation, what we once blogged as what we thought were facts, we learned later weren’t quite as they seemed. We never went back to correct the little unimportant things because we don’t see the need and because if we corrected the facts, the emotion put in our blog would no longer make sense.
As I responded to anonymous from Denver on our blog, there was never any bullying. We went to great lengths and personal expense to make sure that there wasn’t any bullying. Bullying would have been quick and easy. And I called out anonymous on his or her conclusions after only clicking on a handful of our pages. And no, anonymous, I didn’t publish your latest hateful comment about my adoptive friends but I find it sad that you had to check back 6 more times within the next two hours to see if it was posted. Perhaps you could redirect your time into something more useful?
Our girls’ situation was certainly different than some. Yes, our girls’ grandmother did (and still does) work at the orphanage where they ended up. Carlee speculates (but of course states it as a fact) that Babushka got the job so she could be with the girls. It would be wonderful if people were that mobile in their careers in a small village in Ukraine but she worked there for a couple of years before any of this happened. The aunt worked there for a couple of months but it had nothing to do with my girls being there and everything to do with her mother helping her get a job because she needed it and that is how things work in Ukraine.
As we mentioned repeatedly in our blog (again that part was left out in your “summary” of our case) we only wanted what was best for these two little girls that came to live with us. We were ready to walk away from the situation if our girls really were in a loving family that was just down on their luck (which is how some of you seem to feel). In fact, we even went so far as to consider whether or not this was just a situation where we could help biomom get her life back on track and eventually get her children back (all 6 of them…now 8…hmm…some of you hate people with big families too). Another blog post you missed I guess. When we started the route of adopting from Ukraine we were well aware of some families getting themselves into situations where they found themselves “bullying” bio-families to get their will and we were very clear that we weren’t going to go down that path. It was after talking to Grandma and addressing her concerns that she too decided that adoption was the only way our girls were going to have a chance at a good future. Yes, Grandma was against adoption in the beginning. As a former communist with all kinds of twisted beliefs about America and Americans why wouldn’t she be? Biomom also agreed that she was in a situation where adoption was the best for the girls. I am not sure why that blog post was ignored.
You guys also completely failed to mention that fact that we have a wonderful relationship with the family back home including biomom. Our girls talk to Grandma weekly, they talk to their half-sister weekly, and they talk to biomom whenever they want. My wife and I talk to biomom a little more often than that just to keep her informed and we send her letters and photos as well. We call our situation an open adoption that we weren’t looking for but which we have embraced and which has worked wonderfully for our girls, ourselves, and (sorry to all you haters) the entire bio family. You won’t find a single family member that didn’t ultimately agree that adoption was the only solution and their beliefs are even stronger now. If bio mom thought adoption was the best for the girls, if the extended bio family all thought adoption was best for the girls, and if our girls think adoption was the best thing that ever happened to them, I have to wonder what the problem is. Are you all against open adoption too? Is it bad if families come together to decide what is best for a child’s future and decide that adoption is the best solution?
Yes, the girls had people that loved them. We never debated that fact. Biomom loved them even when she disappeared for days at a time, she loved them while she was getting beat by husband #3 in front of them, she loved them even though she never once tried to legally visit them in the orphanage and never once tried to get them back. She even loved them while she was drunk and defiant at the court hearing where she forever lost custody of them. And she loved them when we all sat together in her humble little home where she told them that they are now going to have two moms (another blog post that was missed I guess). She still loves them. Grandma loves them too. Unfortunately for her, there was no way for her to take them in as she surely would have if she could have. A well-intentioned grandma doesn’t automatically make for a good future for a child, especially one without a home to live in and without good enough health take care of them. The only people that really were in a position to do anything, the girls’ aunt (biomom’s half sister) weren’t interested. I won’t slam them for not helping and I am sure they had their reasons (likely due to the fact that she and biomom can’t seem to stand each other). So yes Carlee, my girls had family members that loved them. But they certainly didn’t have a family. Big difference.
As far as the “girls could have happily lived with their biofamily if given even the teeniest bit of help”. How did you come to that conclusion Carlee? Did you talk to grandma, to biomom, and to the aunt? We have. And they will tell you that you are wrong. We have done what we can for Grandma. We have sent her to a private hospital and private doctors to try to keep her alive a few years longer. I assume you missed that blog post. We can and will continue to help her where we can (even bringing her here to visit the girls this Summer) but we can’t give her a husband that won’t throw her out like the trash when she gets cancer or when her heart condition acts up. And we certainly can’t predict if her cancer or her heart disease are going to kill her tomorrow or in 5 years. Then what? Would your choice be for the girls to live with her? Maybe you can tell that to her? Biomom? Perhaps you have some ideas on how we can “eliminate” husband #3 (referred to as “the dog” by grandma) so that she doesn’t have to take the beatings anymore? Or should children live with biomom no matter what the living conditions? Once you have eliminated husband #3 perhaps you can come up with a way for biomom to get a good paying job so that she has the steady income she would need to be able to show in court that she could take care of the girls? Perhaps next time we talk to biomom we can do a conference call and you can tell her how terrible of a decision she made? Or maybe this “boarding school” my girls lived in was good enough for you? If you had/have kids, would it be okay for them to live in an orphanage in Ukraine?
“ (as an aside, these supposedly orphaned girls spent waaaaay more time with their biofamily than I spent with mine. My parents divorced, my dad got custody and I spent 2 wks/yr with my mom).”
I am sorry that you come from a broken family and everything Carly. I really am. But just because you didn’t grow up in a traditional stable loving home doesn’t mean no one else should be able to either. And it doesn’t give you the right to call us “horrible”. Shame on you.
Marti – Interesting that you really, truly believe that you exerted no pressure whatsoever on the biofamily of your now-adopted daughters by flying over to Ukraine, getting everyone together for a meeting (that you alluded was illegal on your blog) and involved a teenage girl from Ukraine that had been adopted by your friends to convince your now-daughters that being adopted was wonderful and they should definitely agree to let you adopt their kin. That would not be coercive AT ALL to a poor family in a small Ukrainian village.
That you showing up in Ukraine demonstrates that your orders of magnitude richer than the biofamily of your now-adopted daughters is coercive in and of itself. (yes, you’re middle class by US standards but a $900 plane ticket to Kiev is the equivalent of 3 months of an orphanage workers salary).
Interesting that you don’t see the mere act of showing up in Ukraine is coercive in and of itself to the girls’
It’s also so very respectful that you abided by the wishes of your now-daughters when they told you they didn’t want to be adopted. Oopsie, you weren’t respectful of that at all… you refused to accept the girls’ wishes until they agreed with your desires!!
It does appear that I was wrong about why biogranny worked at the orphanage – but it does not negate the fact that she saw her biogranddaughters daily, took them home (out of the orphanage and into her home!!) most weekends, demonstrating that she loved your now-daughters, that they had a family that loved them and considered them to be “at boarding school” (vs in need of new a new family).
I will, however, give you credit for keeping a relationship with the biofamily of your Ukrainian daughters. Bringing their grandma to the USA for a visit was a truly wonderful thing to do.
PS I didn’t have a traumatic childhood, my parents got divorced (as did and do 40-50% of Americans) – it just so happens my dad got primary custody. Pretty much all of my grade school girlfriends’ moms got primary custody and only spent 2 wks/yr with their dads. It was the other way around for me. The point I was trying to make was that it was soooo great that your now-daughters got to spend so much time with their biofamily, ie way more time than me and I wasn’t considered an “orphan”.
Marti, I have to address a few points in your post. First, I have no idea why you are answering to people that have posted on *your*blog here on mine. It is just odd.
Second, I really can’t believe that you have shared so much of your child’s bio family’s private story and background so publicly.How hurtful.
Third,do you realize that about half of your long response was expressing the bio family’s feelings? As an adoptive parent, I cringe to think that any other adoptive parent can relay the feelings of a bio family. You cannot speak for them or their feelings.Your response has just magnified the entitlement factor for which it was originally posted. Why do you feel that it was within your purview to address the bio family’s/Grandma’s concerns about placement at all? A PAP should never be involved with termination of rights in any way.
I responded here as well because it was quite obvious that the individual that was actually calling out my friend was either linked to this blog or a reader of it. Not sure why that would matter since the commentor was technically doing the same thing I got called out on?
Point taken on sharing the bio family’s info. My wife and I have always struggled with what should be shared to help others and what shouldn’t be. Our blog is now private as I think most of the usefulness to others is long past.
I can speak for the bio family’s feelings because I know them like family. They are family. Granted, relaying someone’s feelings and TRULY knowing what they are feeling are two different things. So of course I don’t really KNOW how they feel. The long response was simply to explain a very unusual way that things ended up working out. Again, point taken concerning which feelings should actually be shared.
We were never involved in any way with termination of rights. Why or how would we be? There are tons of good kids over there the way it is, why create “new” orphans? Rights were terminated 10 months before we ever met the girls and 8 months before we ever saw their photo with the hosting organization. Not sure where that came from.
The authors here don’t go on people’s personal blogs and comment. Thanks for explaining the order of the events-termination, hosting, meeting with bio family, then adoption. That is not the order of events that most of the world is moving towards. That is where some of the frustration is coming from.
Glad to hear that the authors don’t go on people’s personal blogs and comment. I would caution you all to be more thorough before you slam adoptive families though. It seems like pretty much everything that Carlee posted to start this nonsense was incorrect and/or twisted around to cater to some type of agenda. I would have been happy to answer any questions if she truly wanted to understand our situation.
You’re a paragon of virtue! A savior of Ukrainian orphans!!
There’s absolutely nothing unethical about how you went about convincing your girls to be adopted!!
All PAPs should refuse to accept it when a child DECLINES to be adopt’s! What does a little girl know? Nothing! Super-duper godly Christian parents should definitely nudge the unwilling child!! Being adopted to America is awesome!!
Ps maybe you could start a special fund ? That would give $$ to PAPs to fly to Ukraine to convince their host kiddos and their reluctant bio families that getting adopted by Americans is the best thing ever!!!
Sorry, one more thing. Grandma and Biomom actually wanted to meet us and it was after they both came to the conclusion that adoption by us was what was best for them. The girls always wanted to be adopted. Little one just didn’t want to go against grandma’s initial “instructions”.
Carlee,
I love how you’ve misrepresented my blog and have no idea the facts of our lives. People, such as yourself, are a danger to the adoption community. Just a sad life you must lead to seek out other people’s blogs in an effort to make yourself look good. It must be hard trying to keep up. Exactly what do your efforts do to reform the process? Have you ever watched your child be molested by a sibling? Have you watched a child half the size of their older sister be pushed down a flight of stairs? Have you spent your nights sleeping on the couch with one eye open in hopes your child doesn’t kill your other children or you in the middle of the night? You have no idea sp therefore, I won’t expect you to even understand. Why don’t you spend your energy helping these families or children rather than judging. It must be uncomfortable carrying that large plank in your eye while pointing out the speck in another’s eye.
Becca – Perhaps if you had not adopted three (!) unrelated (!!) girls simultaneously (!!!), you would not have been in a position to “need” to send your girl to an unlicensed Ranch for treatment as a prelude to disrupting the adoption.
Interesting that soooo many PAPs claim they want the best for their adopted children but insist upon doing things that are WELL KNOWN to increase the odds an adoption will fail???
For your information, she isn’t and has never been to a Ranch! We worked with a licensed adoption agency with a social worker who found a licensed adoptive family that works with RAD children. If you knew your facts, you’d know that I have 4 children and I adopted one in 2004, one in 2004 and sisters in 2010. So, please get your facts straight before ASSuming. You don’t know my story nor my family dynamic. I have NO idea where you got that she’s at a unlicensed Ranch. Like I said before, get the PLANK out of your own eye before you judge others. I pray you don’t ever have hardship in your life – you’d crumble! Pride goeth before a fall. Bless your poor pitiful heart!
Sorry one in 2008
And to Rally – I am not one to be on Twitter so that wasn’t me and the last time I checked, I wasn’t nuts.
Thanks, “Name” for trying to defend me. I’m not evil. My last two girls begged me to come get them and we did – I had no idea the problems that one of them had. I would have searched for a better family dynamic other than ours but I had no idea.
To be honest, I’m no longer a huge advocate of adopting older children into a home where there are younger children. I agree that there needs to be reform most definitely! I also am against photo listings and agencies making big bucks off adoptions. I also don’t know that these older children really “want” to be adopted. Some are coerced into it by caregivers and unfortunately, those situations do not normally end well. But, my main reason on even commenting on here was to raise awareness that RAD is real and usually not diagnosed in the orphanage. We had no idea what we were getting into and I only had successful older child adoption examples from friends when we chose to go back to Ukraine. I just want you guys to understand that there is more to our story. I don’t find it fair that I was bashed on a blog where no one knows me and no one gave me the opportunity to share my story. It’s just upsetting that there seems to be so much hatred on here. If we are all adoptive parents, you’d think we’d help and support one another rather than attacking. It’s just really sad the condemnation and most is done without facts.
Becca, ok , that is why I qualified that response with I think.The family that sent the child to the Ranch tweeted all the way there and after.It was very shocking. We also care about RAD here and all other diagnoses and helpful therapies and questioable therapies. This particular post is here for anyone to share their frustrations with those that blog about their personal processes and children and photolistings etc.The frustrations are due to the risks or the feelings of offense. The blogging has become extreme as the number of IA choices has become reduced. We now have 2 recent arrest cases -PA deputy attorney general Douglas Barbour and PAP Brigitee Van Nice who were blogging in the same manner as many of the entries that this column has.It is not a cause and effect thing but it is part of the whole picture. We cover an enormous number of issues here and they all are connected to the underlying placement practices that need reform.
Becca – my apologies if I got the details messed up. I too read a ton of blogs and may well have messed up the deets.
Thanks Becca and Carlee. We here understand that disruptions are necessary in many cases. We just want to prevent them from occuring in the first place as much as possible and there are many placement practices that can change to prevent many. I place the blame of placement issues on the adoption agencies and orphanages.At the same time, we are appalled at the lack of resources for people going through extremely difficult postplacement circumstances and many agencies will not help. The current methods of disruption are high risk for all involved and in some states are actually impossible without being charged with a crime. The whole thing is a mess. That is why we are tracking disruptions–to bring some clarity to how necessary standard procedures focused on helping the child and not punishing families really need to occur.
I concur with Rally. In most cases I place blame for bad situations with adoption agencies, local officials, social workers and orphanages. Those should all be built in safeguards to prevent inappropriate or downright bad placements. Far too many PAPs HAVE NO CLUE what they are getting into and kids and families get hurt. It doesn’t mean PAP actions are blameless, but why are adoption “professionals” assisting them with what the average person can see is a train wreck from a mile away? The whole system is disgusting.
Thanks, Rally. I do appreciate people wanting reform. My blog was private for many years and I made it public hoping I could help others. One – I wanted to help families in situations where the dynamic was not the best for a RAD child and two – to shed a true and real light on the disadvantage of older child adoption. I, too, think many people are guilted into adopting and approach it with rose-colored glasses. I think that’s a recipe for disaster. It just hurts the children in the end.
Having a child with severe RAD (23 of the 25 behaviors) absolutely sucks! It breaks my heart for what my child has gone through. She didn’t ask for this and it wasn’t her fault. But, we didn’t ask for it either. We thought we were doing the right thing by giving them the family they asked for – but it didn’t work out quite like that for us. Disruption is painful, it hurts more than anything I could imagine and it was like a death in our family. We’ve all gone through hell and to be judges by those that have never walked in our shoes – makes it harder.
I just wanted the chance to defend myself and make sure facts were presented rather than speculation.
I agree, someone “tweeting” and making light of a disruption is awful and should not happen. We were very private up until recently and that was so I could help others.
Guess that came back to bite me 😉
I went to the blog in question and see it is now private. I believe in giving credit where it is due and commend Becca for making her blog private and choosing to protect the children’s identities from the general public.
Thanks, guys! I’d really like to focus my orphan care and adoption ministry to help PAP’s know the good, the bad and the ugly. Any ideas on how to implement a program? I’m all ears!!! Maybe we can form an advisory board to help eliminate these issues. Carlee – apology accepted and please accept mine for being a little too defensive.
All you people are slap crazy. Who has time for all this? If you have adopted kids, bio kids, foster kids, or dreaming of kids – you don’t have time to bicker back and forth. I have two adopted kids, one though disruption. I believe God has a plan for each and every child. I don’t know all of the situations being hated on – but maybe God used these people to bring these kids to the right home. Disruption sux – but if the child is in a better situation – isn’t that all that matters. I don’t know the exact details of Becca’s disruption – but maybe God used her to get the child to the right home. Maybe that family couldn’t afford to adopt themselves internationally or stateside for that matter. Maybe the child is thriving in the new home.
I am torn – as I find the hating funny – but at the same time sad. You all must be SAHM’s with nothing better to do. Get a job, and try raising kids.
And to those that are taking in the SNs kids from Bulgaria – and raising funds – give them a break. Are you taking these kids on? Doing anything for them? Lobbying for them – trying to find them homes? No – then shut up! It takes a lot of money to care for and rescue these kids – and until you stand up for them – stop judging.
You certainly found the time to comment. YOu have no idea about the author or commenters personal lives or efforts for orphans that we engage in so stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.
Rally, you are certainly a hater. Maybe you want to adopt and can’t, or think you are so much better for whatever reason — what I see is a horrible human being. I know a lot more than you think I do……
LOLOLOLOLOL. A Hater. Yes I am hater of corruption, liars, self-righteous people like yourself.If you know a lot more than I think you do, you wouldn’t be asking and surmising the things that you are.It IS so horrible to want to clean up a system that has trafficked children for decades and to push for punishment of those that have profited, isn’t it? It IS so horrible to want children to be placed THE FIRST TIME with PREPARED parents. Oh…so…horrible….
What’s funny is you don’t know me at all. You are a total idiot. I am glad I am taking the heat off the kind people you noted above.
LOL You are the idiot. And no, the “heat” is being taken off of anyone. Your lame name and post is a total FAIL.