FacePalm Friday
Welcome to this week’s edition of FacePalm Friday.
This is where your hosts will list their top picks for this week’s FacePalm moment—something they learned or read about this week that caused the FacePalm to happen (you know, the expression of embarrassment, frustration, disbelief, shock, disgust or mixed humor as depicted in our Rally FacePalm smiley).
We invite you to add your FacePalm of the week to our comments. Go ahead and add a link, tell a personal story, or share something that triggered the FacePalm on the subject of child welfare or adoption.
Your Host’s Selections:
(1) CCAI client now hosting her own China waiting child seminar
As if no one has ever heard about China adoptions…it’s her mission now. 
http://mywebtimes.com/archives/ottawa/display.php?id=465632
(2)Bethany continuing to bill itself as the “Nation’s Premier Family Preservation Agency”
Yea, keep up the 
so you can continue to spout off that you are 
to birthfamilies, Bethany!
(3) Another Ethiopia Adoption, Another disallowed fundraiser for $30,000 in fees
Don’t forget the blogging “The couple is chronicling their journey on their blog at https://sites.google.com/site/hodgepodgeathens/home “
(4) Kidsave Colombia Hosting
The 11-year-old child doesn’t speak any English and there are no prospects for adopting her
http://edgewater.patch.com/articles/colombia-orphan-visits-harwood-unknowingly-seeking-a-family
“Throughout Dianna’s one-month stay, Mee has scheduled several events and gatherings so interested families can meet Dianna and see if they’d like to adopt the 11-year-old. If a family does decided to adopt her, Dianna will still go back to Colombia since the process can take up to a year, but Mee said she’ll be going home with a newer, brighter future.
In the weeks leading up to Dianna’s visit, Mee and her family have partnered with local businesses, started a blog [OF COURSE THEY HAVE] and begun notifying families about the adoption opportunity. Mee said families as far as California have expressed interest in meeting Dianna, but that she knows face-to-face interactions will ultimately help Dianna find a home.”
(5)Adoptive Parents Beg to Pay an extra $17,000 for their domestic adoption from Angel in Adoption Home at Last
We had a column this week on this case, but it also deserves a FacePalm.
http://www.leagle.com/xmlResult.aspx?xmldoc=In%20FLCO%2020121005136.xml&docbase=CSLWAR3-2007-CURR
So Happy to Pay!
(6) Irish Couples Beg to Re-open Ethiopia to give the children a chance “to smile”
“Independent TD Finian McGrath this week urged the minister to speed up the process. He said: “These children need us and many Irish families need them.”
They also claim that 100% of adoptions to Ireland have been completely “to the letter of the law”
“Allegations of corruption and the direct recruitment of children from birth parents by adoption service providers in Ethiopia have been raised in recent months by the US State Department, but it is acknowledged that all adoptions by Irish parents over the past two decades have been carried out to the letter of the law.”
(7) DOS’ Conversation with America about international adoption
http://www.state.gov/r/pa/pl/cwa/200943.htm
What an embarrassing display!
(8)Precious.org photolistings including listings from CCI
(9) Donaldson Institute Untangling the Web Study
http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/research/2012_12_UntanglingtheWeb.php
Out of Touch,much?
- There is a growing “commodification” of adoption on the web, replete with dubious practices, and a shift away from the perspective that its primary purpose is to find families for children. NO KIDDING? WELCOME TO 2011…..1999….1995…..1985…..1970…..
- Finding birth relatives is becoming increasingly easy and commonplace, with significant institutional and personal implications, including the likely end of the era of “closed” adoption.
- A growing number of young adoptees are forming relationships with birth relatives, sometimes without their adoptive parents’ knowledge and usually without guidance or preparation.
GEE, WHY WOULD THAT BE? - A rising number of websites offer useful, positive resources and expedite the adoption of children and youth who need families, notably including those with special needs. REALLY? DO TELL WHAT THESE USEFUL, POSITIVE WEBSITES ARE!Please don’t tell me it is the
ones!
(10) Contender for the Biggest FacePalm of the Year: Jessica O’Dwyer’s Self-Serving Head-in-the-Sand piece on Guatemala and Creating a Family’s followup
The Davis family passed Bulgarian court to adopt 2 more SN kids with CF despite:
– backyard breeding dogs that bite children (complaints recorded, dogs removed for cause but later returned)
– not having the $ to pay their final agency fees or travel to pick up the kids
– medically neglecting an existing kid by failing to take him to the dentist (boy in pain for 2+ wks with infected tooth)
– unable to avoid wheelchair and diapers for existing kid (fundraiser for these necessities!!)
– 2 existing kids in/out of hospital due to MRSA infections – perhaps this isn’t the best home for 2 immuno-compromised kids?
Unable to afford adoption:
http://nachalaadopt2.blogspot.ca/2012/11/if-our-lord-ask-for-help-would-you-turn.html?m=1
Backyard breeding dogs:
http://nachalaadopt.blogspot.ca/2010/09/making-carrot-cake.html?m=1
Soliciting donations for wheelchair:
http://nachalaadopt.blogspot.ca/2012/02/tomato-push-chair.html?m=1
Begging for diapers (!!) for current kid:
http://nachalaadopt.blogspot.ca/2012/03/big-thank-you.html?m=1
Medical neglect:
http://nachalaadopt.blogspot.ca/2012/05/patrick-and-update-on-medical.html?m=1
More MRSA requiring hospitalization:
http://nachalaadopt.blogspot.ca/2012/03/our-sick-little-girl-chrissie.html?m=1
http://nachalaadopt.blogspot.ca/2012/03/update-on-chrissie-health-and-adoption.html?m=1
As of this morning the Denise is begging for $13k — the funds she needs to bring the 2 Bulgarian kids she was declared the parents of on Dec. 11 home. The $13k is for overdue agency fees and pick up trip travel.
She doesn’t have the $13k, has no emergency fund and is not in a position to borrow the money. She’s not in a position to earn the $$ or sell possessions to obtain it.
It was irresponsible of Denise to start an adoption she does not have the means to complete. It was also irresponsible of USCIS to approve her to adopt kids she clearly can’t afford.
What kind of reforms will fix this? How can folks like Denise (well intentioned but horribly misguided be saved from the elves)???????
Unbelievable! The type of reform needed in these cases is at the US federal level. Irresponsible is too kind of a word for it. It is incompetent and dangerous for the child and really unfair to the child that might have instead been matched with a family that can have the minimum resources to take care of the child (which includes paying for the services upfront). That is why we have ripped US government entities since the day we started this blog and why I don’t trust any of them. Part of our focus here is to get these stories out in the public and attract media attention with the hope that collectively we can force the change. I do not think that the government or adoption agencies want any type of reform whatsoever.
The scary thing is that there are other PAPs who are in exactly the same boat as Denise. EXACTLY. These families are ALL working with:
Reece’s Rainbow adoption “ministry” AND
Antonia Vladimirova, a Bulgarian Adoption Attorney AND
Dreams Do Come True Adoption Agency – dreamadoption.org/index.php//specialists
The families in the same boat as Denise Davis (who have public blogs that I’m aware of) include:
– Matthews family – threelittlebirdsplusonemore.blogspot.com
– Godone-Maresca family -themiracleiwitnessed.blogspot.com
– Mitchell family – grumpyjax.blogspot.ca/2012/12/advice.html
Like Denise, the Mitchells backyard breed dogs and have “adorable little puppies that [the Mrs Mitchell] can sell in about 4 more week [sic]”
It’s beyond awful that the US government just does not care about this &*(^&*^*. And the little adopted kids – THEY’RE the ones that suffer the fallout of the PAPs horrid behavior!!!
1) The AP who go on and on about the hardship of parenting a child who allegedly has RAD:
“If you have been around adoption, you know that this is a real life nightmare that so many parents face on a daily basis. To pass judgment on those that are walking this road and to cast stones at the parents that fight a minute-by-minute battle with a child… [is] just plain cruel. Who are you to judge? What exactly would you do? Do you not know the embarrassment and the ridicule parents of RAD and ODD go through daily? Its exhausting. Its overwhelming. ”
Because the hardship is for the AP… not, sat, the Ukrainian kid who has just been plucked from the orphanage and everything she’s ever known?!
“But, then there are adoptive parents out there that have been called by God to choose a different path for their child”
I guess any AP that abides by a supernatural being’s “will” to adopt a kid… it’s not so surprising the AP subsequently decides said being wants her to get rid of said kid.
My heart breaks for the little girl whose life was turned upside down by this selfish AP!!
http://journeythruthehills.blogspot.ca/2012/10/adoptive-moms-can-be-worse-critics.html
2) RR serial adopters – simultaneously adopted 2 unrelated SN boys last year, going back to adopt 4 (!!) more simultaneously:
http://ezraandkelly.blogspot.ca/2012/12/and-in-other-news.html?m=0
3) This PAP is dependent on cash from strangers (and the ever-popular supernatural being) to provide the $18k they need within 30 days to complete their adoption of 2 unrelated girls with SN:
http://abellblendedblessings.blogspot.ca/2012/11/where-funds-go.html?m=1
(This family is eligible for the $13k adoption tax credit x 2; are they just pocketing that cash?)
That first blog has some choice quotes:
” Or maybe you have the calling to bring orphans into your already established biological home and don’t see color or race, but just a child needing a mommy and daddy.”
Because if there’s one thing I’ve heard adult interracial adoptees say time and time again, it’s that they wish their parents spent LESS time acknowledging their heritage and preparing them for the realities of institutionalized racism! Oh wait, no, adult interracial adoptees say the opposite of that.
“Most anyone can deliver a baby but there is just something special about adoption.”
So adopters = saints, first moms = faceless unspecial breeders?!
“Many have a slight addiction to adoption and unfortunately, many of you get slammed for bringing “just one more” into your already chaotic home.”
Child collecting is not a “slight addiction”. If the child to caregiver ratio is better in an orphanage than in your house, you’re a group home, not a family.
“But, if you have never walked in the shoes of someone that has had a child with severe Reactive Attachment Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder, you simply don’t understand. ”
I actually agree with this.
“But, then there are adoptive parents out there that have been called by God to choose a different path for their child.”
This, on the other hand…no. This is just an incredibly underhanded and cowardly way of passing off responsibility for this decision onto a supernatural entity (who could, or so the mythology goes, cure your child of their mental illness any time he so chooses, but isn’t because…??).
RAD is awful and I have the utmost sympathy for the children who, through no fault of their own, suffer from serious attachment disorders — and the utmost sympathy for their parents, who suffer too. But that does not mean APs of children with RAD live in a totally judgment-free zone where nothing they say or do can ever be criticized by anyone ever. There are a whole bunch of ways NOT to parent your child with RAD (see ReformTalk’s archives for particularly heinous examples).
Also, casting your child’s mental illness as an “evil” that can only be driven out with Christ’s love? That sounds uncomfortably like an exorcism to me. Your kid is not an avatar of supernatural badness. They are a traumatized CHILD. This raises so many alarms I don’t even know where to start.
4) PAPs/APs who really, truly think they’re rescuing parentless Ethiopian babies by adopting them – bc it’s not like there’s a massive corruption problem:
“I can’t show you a picture of the bleak room we entered where fifty or so children with shaven heads, all dressed exactly alike in white tshirts and blue pants, immediately surrounded us as we walked in. Have you ever thrown a piece of bread in a pond just to watch the ducks fight each other for it? Imagine that, but with toddlers, literally crawling our legs. They swarmed all of us, including my children, but we mothers were attacked the most voraciously, so desperate were they for a mother’s embrace. I can’t show you the face of one of them, a boy I think, as I held him tightly, but imagine the purest joy you’ve ever seen”.
http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.ca/2012/11/no-pictures-allowed.html?m=1
5) RR PAPs adopting 2 unrelated SN kids simultaneously, mere months after domestically adopting a SN baby. Three unrelated kids in under a year:
http://winslowsix.blogspot.ca/2012/12/our-family-is-growing-by-four-feet.html?m=1
6) APs exile their adopted kid to an unlicensed boarding school to heal his alleged RAD — and rely entirely on a supernatural being to provide $2400/month tuition:
“And we feel that we’ve found the best option: a highly structured, highly disciplined, military-style therapeutic boarding school that is built on the truth of God’s Word. ”
Because exiling your adopted child for 12+ months is an excellent way to encourage bonding! “God’s Word” alone is NOT an appropriate treatment for a severe mental illness:
http://lisa-overcomingmyself.blogspot.ca/2012/12/crazy.html?m=0
7) For PAPs who fundraise all their adoption expenses – God’s will, God’s bill, BARF – no amount of money is enough… this family has no$, but needs $8k ASAP to complete the adoption:
http://anothersuperk.blogspot.ca/2012/12/looking-for-light-at-end-of-tunnel.html?m=0
“a highly structured, highly disciplined, military-style therapeutic boarding school that is built on the truth of God’s Word. ”
Oh my god. There have been SO many disturbing stories about “highly structured, highly disciplined, military-style therapeutic boarding schools built on the truth of God’s Word” — all involving horrendous human rights abuses, suicide, and death by abuse and neglect. In fact I’ve never heard about one of these places NOT employing psychological, spiritual, or physical torture as “rehabilitation”. Seriously, THIS is where you send your mentally ill child with trust and attachment issues? To the kind of place that traumatizes even HEALTHY children?
I just cannot. These people need to be investigated immediately, and so does this alleged “boarding school”.
These boarding schools are always the cheapest option. Very disturbing but I think this is why they are seen as the solution…because they charge less because they are “Christian.”
The boarding school is 2400/month, but so far they’re not paying for it – other people are.
“Here is the struggle of trust and faith that we’re currently facing: our church family has offered to pay the admission fees and the first month’s tuition. They have also set up a fund within the church to continue raising money for tuition, but there is no guarantee that the $2,400 per month tuition will be there each month when it is due. We are currently strapped and have very little income to spare, yet would be required to sign a contract stating that our son would be at the school for at least one full year.”
I am thinking you must have missed the part where she said despite looking at other options and trying to look for other resources for her son, everything else fell through and this was the only option available. While he may still end up in the justice system they will know that they did all they could to keep him out. Many times the options available are not the options you want. She lamented over this decision. Her choices were that he be in the system, come home and possibly follow through with his threats and attempts to hurt younger siblings, or this boarding school. She researched the school. She read reviews, she did all she could and made the very difficult decision to send him there. When you don’t have any good options, you take the best one available while taking into consideration how it effects every person. It is easy to say what you would do when it isn’t your child. If you are truly concerned offer the money it would take to get him into what you would consider a better facility. (Truly, just because a place is licensed does NOT mean it is better) If you aren’t willing to put your money where your mouth is, then you are simply trying to make yourself feel better by tearing someone else down. That is your right, but it makes for a pretty miserable being. I for one, would much rather offer advice and constructive critism with love as that is the way that I have found I can make a difference. If it isn’t with love, then it seems to be for the sole purpose of bashing and bullying. I don’t see anyone on this site offering real suggestions, or support or trying to make a difference. Just people sitting behind a computer screen spewing hate and judgment.
So let me get this straight: Your advice to us is for us to give this person money. LOL. Unbelievable. We have an entire section on our website with resources and we have many blog posts with resources. If this person had come to us and asked for resources, we would have given them.This situation is already done. The child has been taken there. Specific blogs are discussed here as warnings to others about what NOT to do.We are not here to bash or bully. We are here to discuss the tough stuff, the stuff that no one else dare mention. Postplacement services and money to pay for them need to be prepared for PRIOR to adopting. No one should adopt if they don’t have appropriate plans in place and yes that means a money source other than begging.
“Truly, just because a place is licensed does NOT mean it is better”
Really? REALLY? Really?
There are laws and mandatory licensing requirements for healthcare facilities and providers FOR A REASON.
The tone of your posts is highly judgemental and condescending, not sure what that is if not bullying but ok. In no way did I actually think anyone here would offer this woman help of any kind. That was kind of the point.
Abuses happen everywhere, trust me. Sometimes in excess sometimes not, but they happen everywhere. KidsPeace is a licensed facilty, yet they have had MANY claims of abuse and even deaths, another one is Daystar. I know a woman who picked up her child from a licensed facility in OK only to find out he’d been horribly sexually abused. Their licenses do not make them safer.
It is not against the law to own/run an unlicensed facility. There are benefits to having it licensed, but a piece of paper does not make a place somehow magically safer. They have to succumb to periodic inspections and they have certain requirements they have to fill, but things like that are easy to deal with. Especially since you may not have an inspection anymore than once a year. If they find violations, they dont shut you down and send out notices… they give warnings and check back a few months later. Depending on the infraction, you can get warnings 3 times before any action is taken. You have some kind of idea when they are coming back, so it’s easy to clean up your mess for a period of time.
Your best bet is to look at reviews like this blogger did. If you can, talk to people who have experiences there. Talk to staff. A high overturn rate amoung staff suggests problems. How long do kids stay? Any facility that pushes kids out in a few months is not helping a child with this type of behaviour/personality disorder. Kids with these types of problems can “honeymoon” for a long time. Until the behaviour comes out, it can’t be dealt with.
Many times if an insurance company actually covers a licensed long term care facility (rare even on good plans) the limits on it are very small. The childs progress has to be monitored so often that a child can manage to not attack people for a week and end up sent home because the insurance provider has decided they no longer meet medically necesssary requirements to be there. Little Timmy can manage to not try and kill anyone for a week and somehow they are cured and safe to be sent back where there are small children.
I will assume that this site is not advertised. So how is it that any given parent looking for help for their child might happen upon this site to find the wonderful resources posted here?
Rally, how much money should a potential adoptive parent set aside? I promise you no matter how large a number (yet still reasonable assuming that you aren’t just anti-adoption) you can come up with, the unforeseen can happen. It is a wonderful thing when a person opens their home to child that has been abused, abandoned or cast off. However life happens. People get in car wrecks, lose their jobs, a parent can die or develope a disease that sucks out finances and resources. Money you may have put aside for various things can end up being needed for other things. Most people do not adopt with the idea that they may one day need to send their joy to a private facility to get him the help he needs.
At least this Mom is trying. You know I have heard a LOT of people bash Nancy Lanza for not getting her son the help he needed. I do not know her or know the exact circumstances she was in. I don’t know his exact symptoms or what his behaviours were prior to December 14th. However I hear of Mom’s who are so desperate to get their child help that long term care facilities become an option and my heart goes out to them. I think of Nancy and the type of thoughts she may have had while raising Adam. He was once just a troubled little boy. Would his Mother have been met with the same ridicule had she decided to send him to a facility… licensed or not.
In all seriousness… if you TRULY want to help a child like this one I challenge you. I challenge you to seek out a troubled child and reach out to his/her Mother. Offer respite so she has a few hours to unwind and decompress. Take her out to coffee. Give her some bubble bath and a pair of fuzzy slippers. Call her out of the blue and ask how her day was. Listen while she vents, even if you disagree with something said or done. Realize that this isn’t your life 24/7 so you really don’t understand what it’s like to walk in her shoes. Offer support, take a meal, take the kids to the park, offer she and her husband a date night. These are the real life things that can keep a Mom going when everything else in their life has been hijacked by a child who LOOKS completely healthy and “normal.”
Those are the tough things that no one wants to do or discuss. Actually reaching out and doing something yourself to make a difference. Talk is only talk unless it is followed with action of some kind. Telling people what not to do doesn’t help them unless your willing to hold their hand and deal with the consequences of whatever walk you decided they should take. It is still easy to tell everyone else what they should be doing when you yourself have never even set eyes on their shoes yet walked in them.
You are a piece of work! Your post is condescending to us and judgmental and your “challenge” makes so many judgmental assumptions on what you think we do and do not do.You know nothing of what we do or do not do in our personal lives or what issues we deal with, so shut it! This is not a personal website in which we discuss our lives. We discuss what needs to be reformed. And I mentioned in my last comment that we WOULD HAVE given resources to this person if she had come here.
How was she to find this site? Somehow you found it.
How much should a parent set aside? My rule of thumb is to expect to spend the same amount that you did to adopt in the first 5 years postadoption. No, that may not be enough, but that gives a good head start. People save for college expenses, but people don’t dare save for PREDICTABLE expenses for postadoption and nowadays they don’t even save enough to *complete* the adoption-they beg from people and social workers still approve them. Most children will need out of pocket dental care. Adoptive parents should expect and plan for out of pocket PTSD care and educational help. You are trying to tell me that mental health issues were “unforeseen” and I am telling you that this needs to be EXPECTED. Any statistic you will find shows that mental health issues in adoptee populations far exceeds the rest of the population. The reason people don’t prepare trace back to how adoption agencies market adoption. In fact all issues trace back to that, which is why this is the backbone of why we are here. And of course we agree that there are not enough mental health options out there. We have many posts about this and want reform in this area of postplacement.
This isn’t a personal blog where you discuss your life but you have no problem attacking the lives, actions and motivations of others? Then, when someone dares to call you out, you name call and use junior high insults. I can always tell when Rally has no logical argument against another person’s point of view. The playground insults start flying.
You talk a lot about what needs to change. Insulting people who are hurting and in pain is not helpful. Mocking people who are adopting doesn’t “reform” anything. It just hurts well-meaning people.
As an AP and the sibling of adopted children, I will totally agree that reform is needed. I would love to see a post about what the writers and supporters of Reform Talk are doing to actually reform adoption and the system. But, that would be your personal life and you don’t talk about that.
You decided to post here and made the assumption *immediately* that I do nothing for children or other APs as did Dragon. Why do I say that? Because that is what YOU asked “What have you done to save a child lately?????” None of the commenters on this case stated your strawman which was “The family did NOT know that he would turn voilent towards thier other, smaller kids let alone his own biological sister. So in your expert opinion should they of kept him at home and had more children vicitimized or given him his permenant number in the court system” This case was listed because of the unlicensed facility, which was my first answer to you. We do confront people’s actions here. You are right on that. These actions lead to large issues in children. Much more thought needs to occur before people adopt. This is not being stated to “mock”, but to ensure that the child will be adequately provided for. Adoption is not the same as giving birth.
No logical argument …to what?…to why I don’t hand some stranger money to give to an unlicensed facility? LOL. Ok…
I answered Dragon’s questions. The bulk of the rambling post was to condescend to me and tell me what I should be doing for children. If you have a specific question about my “judgments” I will answer it.
Mocking people who adopt? We are all adoptive parents here. Maybe you need to consider that we have experiences that we are trying to have others avoid. We will not be discussing our children here. We repeatedly tell people to not have public personal blogs that discuss children’s personal details.
I am sure you believe that random commenters can come on my privately owned site and attack me and I should just smile and take it. Nope, not going to happen.
Then instead of attacking the Mother, attack the foster care system that poo poo’s potential problems in adoptive children. Be angry with the adoption agencies that make light of the trauma these children have often faced. I know a woman who was told that her child may have PTSD, but all she had to do was wait, give the child space to heal and love them. The child would be fine. 5 years later the child is homicidal/suicidal.
Now if adopting out of foster care, a parent really may not need a whole lot of cash. It can be done for little to no money. Depending on the experience of the foster parent though, they may be more aware of future problems. So let’s say Mom and Dad set aside $25,000. Obviously low for international adoption, high for foster care. Then the husband is laid off. The housing market takes a dump and what they owe is suddenly more than they could get on their house. They have some savings so that is tapped first. However a year later, all he’s found are low wage fast food/grocery store jobs. Not enough to cover the bills, so they are still tapping that savings. They hold a garage sale, they sell the wife’s car, they cash in an annuity and borrow against their retirement. At what point do they look at that $25,000 and say we will replace it as soon as Dad gets a job? I mean, he’s able to make a decent living if he could just find a company that is hiring. There is one in the next state but it would mean relocating… which costs money.
In the meantime Jr. has been acting out. He’s in therapy which used to be covered by Dad’s insurance. Now however it comes out of that $25,000. Which they soon discover would only cover 1 month in a licensed RTC. However because Jr. has been killing animals and setting the house on fire his counsellor is thinking that he needs to spend some time in an RTC to stabilize him. This is his first time, so it’s only for 2 weeks while they adjust his meds. The bill for that is only $12,000. Even if you had set aside $100,000 in this scenario that doesn’t go far at all. Unforeseen things can happen. Even if you are able to foresee the behaviours, it doesn’t mean that the safety net you set aside will work.
There was a time when this scenerio would have seemed far fetched to a lot of people. I mean… what are the chances that someone with a good earning potential could be unable to find work for a year? What are the chances that your largest asset, your house, would decline in value at the same time? I don’t know this family…. other than some of her blogs. I don’t know if any of these challenges factored into where they are now… but I know people for whom they do. I would never attack a family based on the little bit of info in that blog.
I think you read more judgment in my post than was meant to be there. True, I don’t know what you do or don’t do in regards to helping people in this type of situation. But I know that you are the type of person who would belittle and berate someone trying to do everything they could for their child, just because you disagree with the measures taken. I have not seen anywhere here or on her blogs where you have offered any support, helpful advice, or a listening ear. There is no evidence that you have a heart for what she is going through or the place she has found herself in, whether that is because of her own lack of foresight or not.
I never got to the section of this site where it lists resources. I was so appalled by how people could rip others apart without knowing their whole story. If she came to this site, would she be able to get past the hateful hurtful comments to find the help she needs? I wouldn’t have.
It seems hypocritical to tell people not to post about their personal stories while you tear apart the personal stories of others. Not saying that people should post personal info but attacking those that do doesn’t solve anything.
The children in foster care… should they stay in foster care till they age out unless someone with a large enough nest egg has the interest adopt them. The families I know who adopt out of foster care do it because they know this will likely be this child’s only chance at a forever home. Do you take that only chance or do you throw it away because it may not work out? It takes a special person to open themselves and their homes up to some of these children. I would hate to turn those special people away because I didn’t think they’d set aside enough money. That shouldn’t be a reason to send a child back into foster care where they will be bounced around and further damaged. If you want to talk about Foster reform.. I’m all for it. This is the system that people currently have to deal with though. For a lot of those kids, having enough household income to provide essentials, AND a loving parent is a huge step up.
I realize I’m rambling, it’s just that I talk to Mom’s all the time who feel all they ever receive from anyone is judgement. Everyone has an opinion of how they could have done something better. Often those opinions clash. These Mom’s are often isolated, abandoned by friends and family. Grandma thinks all the child needs are more spankings. Grandpa thinks that will make him worse. Uncle thinks you need to take him off all the meds. Aunt has a list of new meds she thinks should be guinea pigged on him. Brother thinks you should send him back and be done with it. Sister wants you to send him to boot camp. Therapist says RTC, Dad says we aren’t giving up on him. All you can do is the best you know how to at the moment given the information and resources at hand. If your heart was in the right place, and you acted out of love then what more can anyone truly ask of another human being. I am not perfect. This blogger is not perfect. Whether you think she made the best decisions or not, they were hers to make. Did I miss where she asked for money? Did she post a P O Box? From the one I read it looked like she asked for prayer. If she didn’t post an address for that prayer box than I would assume that she wasn’t asking you to send money. That was myself being facetious. I really hope that she never reads all of these comments. The poor thing has enough on her plate.
Dragon, in this case, the concern is squarely on the child going to the unlicensed facility. We discussed getting the juvenile justice system involved from which he came because we don’t feel it is in the best interest of this child or any to be in unlicensed facilty that was of this parent’s choosing.
We often attack foster care system as well as the adoption agencies-in fact we do that weekly.
Out of foster care, the system SHOULD pay for what is needed, but I agree that it does not. We have showcased a number of cases in which the foster parents are fighting back-The Hoy case out of Illinois is one of them. In these cases of foster care, the government agencies need to have push back to pay for the needed therapies and we have found that at this point,sadly, suing them seems to be a main way of bringing attention to it.
We don’t think that we can change the minds of people who have made the decisions that they have, but due to their public blogging, they have left very powerful examples of what NOT to do for those that haven’t chosen that same path yet. I think showing the cause and effect of real people’s decisions has a greater impact than just giving advice, which we also do.
If you adopt from foster care, most still get subsidies from the government, even if you move to another state(yet the state doesn’t check on those families-another dangerous issue-The Bryant brothers are still missing years later after this very scenario). With other forms of adoption, the whole money onus is on the adoptive parent. So again negotiating with government would be necessary if it is a question of how a certain therapy would be covered in the case of foster care. In other forms of adoption, the parent needs to fully plan. It would help if the industry was honest about children’s needs. This link http://aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/09/nsap/brief2/rb.shtml states that 78% of children adopted from foster care have subsidies. The big gap is that 2/3s of the adoptive parents feel it is not enough and this is where the reform is needed. Any child that has a disorder should be getting a subsidy. Not all do and this is where social workers and dishonesty of conditions comes in. We have a whole puzzle piece in our 9-piece puzzle that deals with honest representation and this is one facet of that. To add to the complexity, each state does its own thing with payments. That same link says “About six out of ten children (61 percent) adopted from foster care receive $500 a month or less as a subsidy payment. Another quarter receive at least $500 but not more than $750 per month, and the remaining 15 percent receive more than $750 per month. ”
As for adopting vs aging out, I don’t think money has anything to do with that. The 100,000 or so children eligible for adoption that aren’t getting adopted are mostly teenaged, black boys. There is not enough supply of people who want to adopt a child of that category. Adoption is not necessarily the most important thing for a child-being loved and mentored can happen without the act of adoption. Adoption is not a cure-all. Aging out is a whole other issue that has issuesof not enough mentoring nor helping the child plan for the future-that should be happening in a foster home and it is sad that it isn’t. We have showcased different reform efforts about aging-out-many coming from former wards who themselves aged out.
It’s unspeakable what this family is doing to their son and I 100% agree they need to be investigated ASAP. Who could one report them to? Why on earth would the juvenile justice system (in whose custody the boy had been for the past few weeks, with assault charges pending) let the aparents spirit the boy away to an unlicensed facility??
I just do not (and CANNOT) understand how aparents think sending a sick child to a “God’s Word” based unlicensed facility is an appropriate way to “care” for said kid. A SERIOUSLY ill kid. How is this not medical neglect?
Also, the parishioners at this a family’s church are complicit in this horror – they gave (and are presumably going to continue to give) $$ that allows the boy to stay at the school. Barf!!!!!
I’ve many, many times given money to fellow churchgoers who have fallen ill and needed adsistanve – but these folks were ALWAYS using the $$ to obtain appropriate medical care (from licensed providers like regulated doctors or hospitals), to pay off debt from having obtained such services OR to make their lives a bit easier ($$ to renovate their home to make it wheelchair accessible, for additional OT/PT) but never to folks doing what these aparents are diing…
The poor boy. The poor, scared, serious ill boy who is likely being hurt and denied appropriate medical care for his SEVERE illness….
BLog traces to Grand Rapids Michigan. Michigan Juvenile Justice contact info can be found at http://www.michigan.gov/dhs/0,4562,7-124-5453_34044_39057—,00.html
I honestly doubt the juvenile justice system cares…
Yes you are probably correct on the caring part of what happens to the child. I guess I look at it from a punishing the ones in charge standpoint because juvenile justice probably cares about themselves and their jobs. Perhaps reporting it will not help this child but the next as it would start a paper trail questioning practices.
I agree that Juvenile Justice likely doesn’t care but one would hope that CPS might (CPS has been involved with the family for 6+ months, according to the APs blog)…
… if only because the APs are CLEARLY not attending to their son’s no doubt SIGNIFICANT mental health challenges by sending him to an unlicensed facility that uses the Bible as its ONLY treatment.
CPS should care about medical neglect. (If APs sent their kid with a broken leg to a priest/imam/rabbi to be prayed over only as treatment, CPS would legitimately have cause to intervene. This should be true in the case of a mental illness, non?)
I can’t stop thinking about this case. That poor kid. All these poor kids. This has got to end.
Perhaps you should get to know the whole story before you judge. The family actually sent him to this school so that he can avoid a life in the court system and in and out of jail. If you would quit being so ignorant and realize that a large majority of prisoners are from dysfunctional families, you would then understand the issues at hand. The family did NOT know that he would turn voilent towards thier other, smaller kids let alone his own biological sister. So in your expert opinion should they of kept him at home and had more children vicitimized or given him his permenant number in the court system. Thank God for families like thiers that take in the troubled children and don’t hide behind thier soapbox spewing venom while doing nothing. What have you done to save a child lately?????
Natalie, the commenter stated that this is an unlicensed facility. I realize the bloggers call this the Hands of God but that does not make itso .That has no guarantee that the child will not be in and out of jail-in fact these facilities usually make things worse. We are not ignorant of these types of facilities, but perhaps you are. Spend some time on the HEAL site at http://www.heal-online.org/ and read accounts of abuse that occur in these kinds of places and look at our abuse in group home posts. You have no idea what type of children we have taken into our homes.So stop trying to attack the messenger.
Natalie – Really, truly awful things have happened to kids at this type of “theraputic reform school”. The US General Accountability Office even put out a report detailing the awful things a few years back:
http://www.gao.gov/products/GAO-08-146T
Carlee,
Re: http://lisa-overcomingmyself.blogspot.ca/p/what-is-attachment-disorder_28.html?m=0
I notice that the Biblical Parenting™ definition of RAD has some significant differences from the Mayo Clinic’s definition. For one thing, failure to offer affection or eye contact “…on parents’ terms…” is mysteriously missing from the Mayo Clinic’s site. Also, the Mayo Clinic’s site includes the importance of ruling out conditions with similar symptoms– such as autistic spectrum disorders or PTSD– before diagnosing RAD. They also warn against aversive “treatments” which have no peer-reviewed evidence for their effectiveness, and which HAVE resulted in deaths.
The APs source for her info is Attachment Therapy proponent Nancy Thomas. Thomas’s website also makes a connection between RAD and sociopathy that the Mayo Clinic– and the DSM-IV, for that matter– DOESN’T.
Scary scary scary x 10000
Hi, as someone who works in RTC can I just say that it is VERY common for child abuse and neglect survivors to offer little to no eye contact – possibly due to being very fearful of engaging with any other person. Why would they want to connect with an adult after being victims at the hands of adults in the past. Maybe sexually abused, battered to quieten them, left in horrendous situations, left to starve, abused by moms dealer boyfriend while mom lies flat out her face!!
Eye contact is massively important and ANY body language expert will tell you that engaging with the eyes is a way to connect with someone. These kids dont want to engage with ANY adult – why would they after their horrendous experiences!!
Elaine, thanks for sharing. But, wouldn’t you then say that lack of eye contact is a standard, “normal” response to neglect and something that may need a therapy conducted by people who understand trauma and not by people that think that this is misbehavior or due to lack of gratitude or lack of Jesus?
@ Elaine– Since I have diagnosed PTSD (and believe I’m slightly within the autistic spectrum) that line about not offering eye contact or affection “on the parents terms” really hit me where I live. It’s so easy to see myself in that situation, for no other reason that I didn’t sufficiently fulfill the expectations of someone who’s trying to “save” orphans through adoption.
@Natalie– No matter how well-intentioned the AP might be, she’s turning to a “treatment” that has NO scientific validation for its effectiveness, administered by people who are LYING about what RAD is. Check out the DSM-IV-TR definition: There’s nothing in it about kids with RAD becoming sociopaths if they aren’t “treated” by being subjected to more of the same kind of “pathogenic care” which gave them RAD in the first place!
Carlee,
Re: “…“And we feel that we’ve found the best option: a highly structured, highly disciplined, military-style therapeutic boarding school that is built on the truth of God’s Word…”
Here’s another perspective on what “God’s Word” says in regards to traumatized adoptees. Oddly, harsh paramilitary discipline isn’t part of it.
http://minichfamilyblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/attachment-is-not-just-up-to-our-kids.html
Hogeland family adopted 2 unrelated Ukrainian girls inside the past six months, despite not meeting USCIS minimum income requirement of $48k and criminal records.
“3 boys in a TINY room. 3 girls in a room” – 2 newly adopted girls sharing a room with their biokid
“plumbing needs to be redone in the bathroom
1 bathroom, that doewsn’t work well, for 8 people
rotten wood inside the back wall of the house
one of the side walls of the house is leaning out
kitchen floor is SHOT
dishwasher is leaking so no longer in use
all of our appliances are on their last leg
none of the doors fit properly so they don’t shut well
air conditioning makes a crazy sound
no storage space in bathroom or anywhere else
ktichen/dining nook people tell us are small
floor in front of girls room is buckling
back and front fences falling down
no insulation at all in back of house so it is freezing
we also have holes in our floor. we had a GIANT snake get in the boys room from a hole in the closet floor!
water heater in boys’ closet has busted several times
https://www.facebook.com/HogelandHomeMakeover/photos_streamOur Information-We are the Hogelands! Dale and Kate are aging punk rockers who have 6 children. This year we added two little ones from Ukraine. They both have special needs. This has tapped our resources. All 8 of us live in a 3 bedroom, 1 bath house that is 92 years old and 1250 sq. ft. It seems that all the things that can go wrong with a house are suddenly all going wrong at once. We are hoping that Extreme Home Makeover might be able to help us give our children the home they deserve. We are hoping that everyone who joins this page will help us by sending an application to
our info is- kate-33 (sometimes hair stylist), dale-46 (plumber), connor-8/2nd Grade, Eva-6/Pre-K , Rowan-6/1st Grade, Darcy-5 PreK, Aine-4/PreK, Seamus-2
Household income is- $44,000
criminal stuf- misdemeanor drinking charges that are 13 years old for mom and over 20 years old for dad. We are not even trying to hide that.”
http://www.facebook.com/notes/hogeland-home-makeover/house-issues-and-our-information/405067502895573
The DOS conversation was hard to read without throwing my coffee mug at the screen. So many different points but this one takes the cake.
“MR. KLARBERG: I can tell you that Susan and the Department of State have taken an incredible leadership role in working with countries to help them get up to speed so that they have the internal processes to protect the rights of the children from that country and the rights of the families from that country. It can be a daunting task at times.
What we have learned from State is that children are not a commodity. Children are special, little people. And what State is doing – and I think that it flies under the radar – is actually providing a dramatic service to so many of these countries in helping them create an infrastructure to protect the rights of their children.”
The Speaker from the COA had to learn from STATE that children are not a commodity and are actually human beings? The COA who accredits adoption agencies?
WTF did he think they were?
The whole thing is a farce-like a bad daytime talk show where they all pat themselves on the back. State Dept has not done anything to protect the rights of kids. They have in fact (with proof in Guatemala cables) rubberstamped visas including for children that they KNEW had false identities and were not even citizens of the sending country. State frequently travels WITH adoption industry reps to expand business, not protect children.I agree with you that this blurb is perhaps the most outrageous.
Ill-prepared APs who end up posting “free to a good home” online to disrupt the 11 year old they adopted from Ethiopia a year ago.
Whodathunk adopting a then-10 year old, out of birth order into a family with 8 kids with SN would be a really bad idea?
The soon to be ex APs say K isn’t violent and doesn’t act out sexually or in any dangerous way. The APs are simply “tired of walking on eggshells”, feel the girl has created an “unhealthy environment” in their home and wish to be rid of this particular child.
http://smilesandtrials.blogspot.ca/2012/12/might-you-be-her-family.html?m=0
“In October of 2011, a girl with a beautiful smile was adopted from Ethiopia. Her name is Kidest and she is 11 years old. She is currently living with a family of 8 on the West Coast. Back in Ethiopia she experienced some early childhood trauma and as a result struggles with ongoing feelings of abandonment. Naturally that makes her angry as she is not quite sure how else to express her feelings. Kidest would thrive in a family that can give her the attention she needs to work through these feelings as she learns to accept the love of a family.
Kidest is very smart and is doing well in school. Amazingly she has reached grade level in Math and according to her teacher is on track to be in advanced placement in the future. She is almost fluent in English and is reading at a 2nd-3rd grade level and moving quickly towards grade level. She is good with her peers, makes friends easily and acts appropriate for her age. She is capable of all her own self-care and takes pride in her appearance. She has never shown any violence towards her siblings or any inappropriate sexual behavior. She is still very much a little girl and needs a home where she can mature at her own pace. She is on a competitive soccer team and is very athletic. She really enjoys basketball and running. She would like to be a doctor when she grows up.
Despite all of Kidest’s strengths, she has had difficulty adjusting to life in an American family. She had a traditional Ethiopian family before she was placed in the orphanage at age 8 or 9 and it is safe to say that she is still mourning all that she left behind. The transition of learning a new culture, a new language, new foods, new smells, and to love a new family has been overwhelming for Kidest as it would be for anyone.
She resists most forms of discipline and she struggles to take responsibility for her actions. An example would be that if she were given an extra chore to do she might dump out a perfume bottle or steal a candy bar. Kidest has a deep desire for attention and often finds behaviors to elicit attention. She claims to do this to make her parents mad and feels the need to hurt them when she feels hurt by them in her perception of not receiving enough attention or if she has been disciplined. Because of her life thus far, Kidest struggles to understand love, acceptance and commitment. Like many typical adolescents, she spends a lot of time feeling sorry for herself, and has a learned behavior of trying to make others feel sorry for her. Kidest is such a lovely girl with so much potential, but she is also a child with deep grief who is currently lacking the tools necessary to succeed in life and in a family. She has expressed interest in finding another family.
Kidest’s family admits to not being equipped to work through Kidest’s trauma and raise their daughter to be a loving and responsible young woman. Though they wish that they could, they know that they are living each day as if they are walking on eggshells. The disruption that the relationship has caused in the family is not a healthy environment for any member of the family including Kidest. Her current family has other special needs children and they find that they cannot give her the attention or support that she needs to succeed.”