FacePalm Friday
Welcome to this week’s edition of FacePalm Friday.
This is where your hosts will list their top picks for this week’s FacePalm moment—something they learned or read about this week that caused the FacePalm to happen (you know, the expression of embarrassment, frustration, disbelief, shock, disgust or mixed humor as depicted in our Rally FacePalm smiley).
We invite you to add your FacePalm of the week to our comments. Go ahead and add a link, tell a personal story, or share something that triggered the FacePalm on the subject of child welfare or adoption.
Your Host’s Selections:
(1) Not Adopting is “GENOCIDE” says Stuck lover 
See http://www.charlestonmercury.com/articles/2013/04/03/news/doc515c41e01e4c1189374581.txt
Where is the hope of these Christians who think there is one solution to poverty and that is adoption? Not adopting is like this now 
I don’t think so.
(2)Nia Vardelos steps in it in her glossing over of adopting from foster care
Here is the first article on the interview http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2302915/My-Big-Fat-Greek-Wedding-star-Nia-Vardolas-recalls-bringing-adopted-daughter-home-time.html
Adoptive parent bloggers took her to task at http://www.examiner.com/article/mothers-urge-nia-vardalos-to-shut-big-fat-greek-mouth-on-foster-care-adoption telling her to shut her big fat Greek mouth! 
Oh My!
(3)The FacePalm that keeps giving
Yes, Dr. Aronson again. This time she uses her minor adopted child to sell her hearts book 
(Drink up that Kool Aid now) and miraculously Tom Difilipo is now a DOCTOR 
(well not really, the journalist just assumed so).
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/04/international-adoption-orphans-parents-kids_n_3017992.html
(4) Tim Tebow teams up with Show Hope.
(5)Bethany suck up of the week…online retailer Officeville, Inc.
Well we haven’t boycotted something in awhile. This sounds like a good one. Bye Bye office people! 
http://www.digitaljournal.com/pr/1169307
Reece’s Rainbow PAP/AP Mandy Rhodes (who took her family on an expensive Disney vacation while begging for cash from strangers to cover her adoption costs) blogs about her incredibly irresponsible spending/saving habits:
“Then, we got to the “growing wealth” section of the plan and couldn’t move. We froze. We struggled. We prayed. This is what the “church” was teaching. Get debt free and amass large amounts of wealth, so you never have to depend on anyone else. We couldn’t find that in the Bible anywhere.
We could understand the need to be debt free (we no longer are, by the way, 4 kids and medical bills will do that to you). We could understand having a small emergency fund (don’t have that, now, either). We just couldn’t wrap our minds around saving and then, sitting on 6-9 months worth of income.”
Having 6-9 months of income saved for an emergency is the responsible thing to do.
“Someone help me understand, why? Why would/should we have thousands of dollars sitting in the bank, while children starve? So, we can have Financial Peace? Well, isn’t that a crock?”
NO!! It’s less amassing wealth than ensuring your family’s security if you lose your job or get sick.
Or, say, wish to adopt your third unrelated Bulgarian SN kid in under a year and pay for it yourself!!
“I want my peace to come from knowing that not only does my Redeemer live, but He supplies all my need according to his riches and glory. I want to depend on Him!
Not irresponsibly, not because of poor choices, but because we’re following so hard after the heart of God.”
It’s totally irresponsible to put your family in a really risky position because of your faith in a supernatural being. And to be PROUD of having done so. To really TRULY believe Jesus wants you to do so.
This is yet another well intentioned person who cannot be saved from herself. Why why why can’t homestudies and USCIS be designed in a way to screen out people who do stuff like this??
http://www.findingourlittleone.com/2013/04/financial-peace.html?m=1
Don’t know if anyone saw this completely gross post.
http://www.allarepreciousinhissight.com/2013/04/marshallese-adoption-opportunity.html
I expect terrible things from this blog, but man…
“URGENT NEED FOR ADOPTING FAMILIES FOR NEWBORNS: Our attorney has several birth mom’s lined up RIGHT NOW (and he means RIGHT NOW), some due as early as May that he can place IMMEDIATELY with families ready to adopt (financially able and paperwork ready or close to ready).”
It’s about contacting an attorney about adopting children from women who have immigrated from the Marshall Islands and if you read the whole post it could not possibly sound more shady.
The content of the post has since been deleted, but the comments are still there, including a woman getting slammed for questioning if this could, possibly, not be 100% above board.
A single mom with 14 adopted kids and an “unusual income stream” has once again been given an exemption and permitted to adopt a 15th high needs SN child:
http://gathermychildren.blogspot.com/2013/04/update-on-kolina-finally-movement-on.html?m=0
http://secureinhope.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-good-bad-and-ugly.html
They’ve had this little toddler girl, adopted from a wonderful foster care situation, for about a week!
“The attachment issues are tough. I know this has been hard on Ashley. Calli is warming up but it is slow – and it resets everyday. It’s hard when she lets me tickle her, kiss her, and cuddle but she turns away from Ash. Ashley feeds her and holds her; it’s not as if there is no interaction. But is is certainly different. And it is different than what we prepared our hearts for. I expected to be in Ashley’s shoes.”
Seriously? Why did he expect that? All of my adopted children preferred my husband in country; they switched allegiance when we returned home. Then they settle somewhere in the middle. It’s normal!
I think they prepared their cutesy blog header, her cutesy room, and read blogs from similarly unprepared parents…keeping the focus on them and what they are doing rather than focusing on the trauma they are inflicting on an unprepared child. The next blog post shows this poor girl wearing a shirt that says “Smile” while the parents bemoan the fact that she won’t!
Why am I not shocked that they have an entry entitled “China Doll”? I find that disturbingly telling as to what they were looking for.
I do not understand how Tim Tebow and friends made this article…
We facepalmed when reading that another uninformed celeb is handing over money to a corrupt process. This column is about what makes us wince and this definitely did.
Renee Garcia (RR adoptive mom to Kellsey, who she exiled to crisis respite indefinitely last year due to her alleged RAD) has a guest post from another rad mommy:
http://www.myspecialks.com/2013/04/guest-post-living-with-rad.html?m=1
Kellsey is NOT exiled, she is with her GRANDMOTHER and is doing much better without the chaos of four active and busy siblings in the home. Kellsey’s only issue is not RAD, but you wouldn’t know that, would you?
@Tami Fully aware of that, seeing as Renee has blogged about it BANISHING Kellsey – who, yes, also has issues with regulating her body temperature. Even before sending Kellsey away, Amommy Renee merrily blogged about excluding her (and ONLY her) from fun family vacations. Jesus is totally down with that, I’m sure.
But you’re right — why should Renee be expected to alter her family’s daily activities, even the teeny-tiniest little bit in order to help a scared, institutionalized, recently adopted toddler adjust to life in a “forever family”?? Little Kellsey should have just gotten with the program faster.
****
Renee also blogged about being caught totally off guard by Kellsey’s behavioral challenges — whodathunk an institutionalized child would have INSTITUTIONAL behaviors?
It’s not like there’s TONS of information about the challenges newly adopted kids face out there. No other adoptive parents, no google, no “The Connected Child”, no Empowered to Connect or evening news story about the horrific and often lifelong impact of neglect/trauma/abuse can have on a child.
Renee argued with people who said she should have expected institutional behaviors, or at least should realize they were common in internationally adopted kids. Kellsey was in a baby house not OMG an institution, so her behavioral issues had to be RAD and not commonly seen issues for kids post-institutionalization. She also claims she had “never heard” of RAD or any attachment issues at all when they adopted Kellsey in what, 2009? Is she incapable of using Google or reading a single adoption-related book?
And yeah, it bugged me too that they wouldn’t adjust the tiniest bit for that kid. Parade in 90+ degree temps? Kellsey just needs to deal, they want to go. A child who needs structure and calm? Well, they have lots of activities, she just has to deal.
If you want to know how she feels, just read some of the medical updates for Kennedy vs. the medical updates for Kellsey. One girl is her daughter, one is someone she had to put up with for awhile.
And Grandma had to beg them to let Kellsey come live with her instead of having the adoption disrupted.
@Name – I hope you caught that I was being sarcastic.
Renee’s hairsplitting on “institution” vs “baby house” is mindboggling — a a baby house is an institution. An orphanage is an institution. Too few caregivers to provide the 1 on 1 stimulation that (especially) babies and toddlers to grow properly is an institutional setting. Regardless of what the sign outside the building says!!
lol Yes I did get your sarcasm, just angry about the situation so went off on stuff.
Came back to add: I’m sorry, but even if it’s been traumatic for the kids to have a sibling with significant behavioral issues, there is something wrong in how you are running your home if you send their sister away forever and they don’t even ask about her. It’s one thing for a kid/tween/etc. to be torn between being relieved and guilty that they’re relieved, or to miss the sibling but feel glad to have their old life back. But for all 3 kids to be unanimously happy and not the least bit conflicted? Even in homes where the child was physically aggressive to others, or had to go to inpatient treatment – really severe stuff – you generally see something about siblings missing them, or processing complicated emotions that involve knowing they should miss them. Not THE KIDS ARE HAPPIER NOW THEY DON’T MIND AT ALL, NONE OF THEM ARE UPSET OR WONDER HOW SHE IS.
Carlee, I’m going to disagree with you here. Based on Renee Garcia’s account she DID attempt to accommodate Kellsey’s needs. The problem was that Kellsey’s problems were so large that altering her family’s activities “…the teeny-tiniest little bit…” wasn’t even a drop in the bucket. It would have taken a MAJOR overhaul, to the degree that would have been punitive to her existing children, to have MAYBE reduced the stimulation level enough for Kellsey to relax and function. It strikes me that Renee would have been subjected to stringent criticism from adoption reform advocates if she’d caused her older children to suffer because of her and her husband’s decision to adopt.
The bottom line is, Kellsey was just a bad placement for this particular family. This illustrates the dangers of deciding on the basis of a cute photograph that God is telling you to adopt THIS child, without regards to whether your particular family is a good match for this child’s needs and inborn temperament.
On another adoption reform website, I read of a mother who did a Russian adoption years ago outside of Reese’s Rainbow’s adoption ministry. According to her, she and her husband talked with Russian social workers about their lifestyle, and she was matched with a little girl whose needs and personality were compatible with their family.
She stated that this process was how Russian adoptions were INTENDED to work, not by illegal photolisting and pre-identified adoptions. It strikes me as being close to the “child-centered adoption” I read of. (I think it was own THIS site; but I can’t find it right now. Sorry!)
At least Renee Garcia has broken ranks with the “flock” to admit the problems with the Reese’s Rainbow adoption paradigm. My main gripe with her now is that she’s pushing the Attachment Therapy definition of RAD, rather than acknowledging the role “bad fit” played in Kellsey’s failure to attach to the Garcias– and the need for child-centered placement over photolisting.
I see where you’re coming from — but still disagree.
The impression I get from Renee’s blog is that they family really didn’t make much of an effort, or try for very long, to accommodate Kellsey’s needs — for example, of all the family vacation options out there, why go to Disneyland in the SUMMER if you have a child who cannot regulate her body temperature?? Surely she could have found an option that accommodated Kellsey’s needs too.
(For example, my father is legally blind and our family managed to take many fun family vacations – which did not involve hiking up mountains, snorkling or biking. My dad is/was a treasured member of my family, so my mum and I are were happy to take his needs into consideration when planning a trip. It wasn’t a hardship).
Maybe Kellsey was a bad fit for the Garcias and her banishment to respite indefinitely chez granny was inevitable — but Renee made zero effort to prepare herself for the sorts of issues a kid adopted from a bad baby house would face, despite a social worker, adoption agency, internet access, other adoptive parents and a million books/articles/newspapers. Her underpreparedness absolutely contributed to the “bad fit”-ness of little Kellsey!
Carlee,
I have no problem agreeing that Renee Garcia didn’t prepare herself sufficiently for the challenges and changes to her family lifestyle that come with adopting internationally. She had one biological child with Down syndrome with few developmental comorbidities, and assumed that she was therefore equipped to parent ANY kid with Down syndrome. Why should international adoption make any difference? God was telling her to adopt this child, and God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, so why listen to secularist nay-sayers?
Pride truly DOES go before a fall.
No way that kid is still with grandmother. Get your facts straight. She is not with any of their family.
A PAPs utterly distasteful “intent to adopt announcement”:
http://nothinglefttopaint.com/2011/08/19/we-took-on-more-paperwork/
Including fun stats on the “orphan crisis” in the Congo:
http://nothinglefttopaint.com/crisis-in-the-congo/
Most of the blogs from PAPs and APs who’ve adopted from Congo include these facts. It’s like they read wikepdia, and now they’re Congo scholars.
Renee Garcia moved her kid AGAIN. Kelsey is not with granny anymore. Not with any family member. Where has this kid been banished to now? Seems to go against any RAD recommendations to move this kid AGAIN.
Adoptive Trauma Mamas who publish a list of “attachment issues” that do not quite match up with those in the DSM and exhort their fellow Adoptive Trauma Mommies that “If you are an adoptive parent and you can check off more than a few of the characteristics on this list, you may have a child with attachment and/or complex trauma issues”.
http://traumamamat.blogspot.ccom/2013/04/so-what-do-you-look-for-list-for.html
The list of behaviors includes runs the gamut from “starts fires” (genuinely scary and likely cause for great concern) to “prefers to watch violent cartoons and/or TV shows or horror movie” (OMG! An adopted 8 yr old watching PG-13 rated “Transformers” movie — call CPS!!) to “My child demands things, instead of asking for them” (OMG! An adopted 2 year old DEMANDS cookies — call CPS!!”).
The Mayo Clinic list of RAD symptoms includes neither watching violent cartoons nor toddler tantrums:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/reactive-attachment-disorder/DS00988/DSECTION=symptoms
Trauma Mama T now homeschools her adopted 13 yr old daughter, because she chatted with her girlfriends about boys and clothes (horrors!!) and forbade her from youth group due to a catty comment from a peer (wouldn’t want the girl developing coping skills or anything!!).
http://traumamamat.blogspot.ca/2012/02/random-stuff.html
http://traumamamat.blogspot.ca/2012/02/when-world-gets-smaller.html
http://traumamamat.blogspot.com/2012/03/sometimes-it-hurts-too-much.html
Neither her adopted 13 yr old daughter nor 16 year old son are permitted to participate in any activities UNLESS there is direct adult supervision.
How on earth is an adopted child, even a traumatized adopted child, going to learn to interact with peers, handle a snotty comment from a mean girl or develop any level of independence if amommy withdraws the kid from public school, forbids her from going to youth group and requires adult supervison 100% of the time (no matinee movie with your friends at the mall, even if you are 13 or 16, unless somebody’s mommy is right there in the theatre with you!!).
Name,
Those bogus RAD checklists come from charlatans who practice “Attachment Therapy”. It’s in their financial best interest to define it as broadly as possible– AND to invoke fears of what may happen if a child with RAD isn’t “treated” with attachment therapy. Never mind that there’s zero scientific evidence that attachment therapy does any good.
That didn’t prevent one AT provider’s site from claiming her methods were also effective against PTSD and a laundry list of other psychological diagnoses. That’s a sure sign that someone’s selling snake oil.