FacePalm Friday
Welcome to this week’s edition of FacePalm Friday.
This is where your hosts will list their top picks for this week’s FacePalm moment—something they learned or read about this week that caused the FacePalm to happen (you know, the expression of embarrassment, frustration, disbelief, shock, disgust or mixed humor as depicted in our Rally FacePalm smiley).
We invite you to add your FacePalm of the week to our comments. Go ahead and add a link, tell a personal story, or share something that triggered the FacePalm on the subject of child welfare or adoption.
Your Host’s Selections:
(1)Downplaying truthful corruption issues in international adoption to promote Christian Alliance for Orphan Summit
These lame critiques keep trying to dance around the real issues. Each time I click on these kinds of articles, I don’t know if I am going to get 
or 
or 
. They are all 
Love the link that a commenter gives that expresses the opinion of Ethiopians on how the adoption process is corrupt. See http://ethiopianchurchdotorg.blogspot.com/2011/04/save-children.html
(2) Adopting From Uganda from Unregistered Orphanage and they have a postadoption fundraiser
“A lawyer in Uganda had been working on their case. But when Geoff arrived, he found out that many things had not been done.
“Over there, there’s no guarantee of anything,” he said. “They did do their best to make our lives hard.”
Because the adoption program was fairly new, Geoff had to help the orphanage where Benji was staying, located in Kampala, to gain Ugandan government approval. Otherwise, the government refused to grant a visa to the child.”
““No matter what it was, it was ‘Come back tomorrow.’” Shannon Dunton said. Everywhere they went, government officials wanted “a tip” to move the process along. But the couple refused to give into the corruption and were shined on many times.“If you don’t give them money, you’re going to be there for a while,” Geoff Dunton said.They learned that it was a widespread epidemic, compared to the government in the United States.
“It’s cultural,” Shannon Dunton said. “Their priorities are different. A lot of people are just trying to survive.”
Finally, the couple had a court date and everything was processed smoothly. They were able to board a plane with Benji.
“We didn’t really feel safe until we got home and we were in the U.S.,” Shannon Dunton said. “We cried and let out a sigh of release as soon as the wheels were off the runway.”
Overall, the couple estimates the process cost about $35,000, including renting a place to live in Uganda and traveling costs and fees.
“The bottom line is what a blessing this child is,” Shannon Dunton said. “God blessed us with a child.”
Geoff echoed her.
“There is no price tag on this boy.” [Except for that $35,000 that you want others to pay for]
“A benefit concert will be held … to help defray the costs of the adoption.”
…and give us some …
“Engaging in Regional Best-Practices and ImplementationIn Dallas, the Guatemalan delegation first met with Texas State child welfare leaders Audrey Deckinga, Assistant Commissioner for Child Protective Services at the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services; Tina Amberboy, Executive Director at the Texas Supreme Court Permanent Judicial Commission for Children, Youth and Families; and Pamela K. Parker, Special Projects Attorney at the Texas Department of Family & Protective Services. They shared with the group about Texas’ past five years of reform efforts and how they as a state have made significant progress through collaborations, partnerships and policy changes.”
(4) NCFA Counsel on Veronica Brown case
http://jurist.org/sidebar/2013/05/megan-lindsey-adoptive-couple.php
Yikes! All I could read was 
Lie, Lie, Lie 
Leave out important details 
Your smileys say it all about these corruption-deniers: Lie Lie Lie Bla Bla Bla.
Regarding financing adoptions by “fundraising”, there’s evidence that donor fatigue is setting in. For example, these child collectors haven’t been able to raise more than a tenth of what they estimate they need to complete their latest adoption.
http://letsfillthevan.blogspot.com/2012/12/adoption-affirmation-through-abundance.html
Their solution? Toss another kid in the cart! Specifically, one who already has $2,000+ donated toward her adoption. I guess even people with “a heart for orphans” prefer to make tax-deductible donations toward funding these adoptions, instead of “covered in love” gifts.
Never mind that this roughly doubles the amount they’ll need, putting them even shorter of their goal. Plus, they’re going to need to install another seat in their eponymous van.
http://letsfillthevan.blogspot.com/2013/04/meet-felicity.html
I shake my head at how these homestudy agencies continue to approve these kind of people to adopt. Thanks for finding another one!
Check out this PAPs fundraising blog too – she talks about leaving her RR family support page open so that total strangers can give her $$ to cover expenses she cannot afford like an umbrella stroller ($20 at Walmart!) and fancy $250 car seats for the new kids:
http://everlastingmomentum.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-lost-boys-and-ben-keeping-it-open.html?m=1
Anybody who cannot afford a basic stroller or caraway has no business adopting kids — they clearly are on no position to care for them!
Self-serving opinion pieces encouraging pregnant women who carry their fetus to term to consider giving the kid up for adoption — instead of raising the kid themselves. There’s a baby shortage, ya know?? What with Russian cutting off the “supply” and all. She feels society should encourage pregnant single women to give up the kid.
Over entitled barf!!
http://m.washingtonpost.com/opinions/a-mothers-day-plea-to-stop-equating-adoption-with-abandonment/2013/05/10/088c6362-b692-11e2-b94c-b684dda07add_story.html
Nina Easton (the author) is also an adoptive parent…big surprise. She also did a talking bit on Fox (think it was Fox) – on this topic. I searched her name and adoption and found her status in this post.
http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/feb/04/in-faith-newsman-scully-adopts-baby/?page=all
Love the fact that they got an adoption agency to comment – named solely for the ranking – not grammar – A Act of Love from Utah…
18 year old, Evangelical Christian Girls who move to Uganda to be a missionary n blithely announce they’ve adopted an Ugandan baby (despite not meeting any of the Ugandan requirements to adopt);
http://emonamission.blogspot.com/2013/05/a-divine-gift-part-2.html?m=1
I guess she’s taking a lesson from Kisses from Katie, another Us evangelical missionary who moved to Uganda as a teen n has since adopted 14-15 Ugandan kids.
Katie has made it clear that she is legally the girls foster mom and that she can not adopt them until she is older.
Because its totally not irresponsible to allow a teen (or a married, middle aged couple for that matter) raise 15-16 kids alone?! That’s not a family environment — it’s an orphanage / pretty poor group home! Particularly in Uganda, where the government has made admirable strides in encouraging domestic adoption (there are several hundred pre-approved Ugandan families on a waiting list to adopt a domestic infant), reuniting kids with their parents and domestic foster care.
Denise Davis totally isn’t acting suspicious when she refuses to let CPS in. Because one recently adopted kid died 3 wks after she adopted her in April 2014 (Gennie) and a second is malnourished (according to Shriners) and has what sure looks like a black eye (Jake)!!
Denise blogged that “CPS came knocking on our door. We told the worker we would answer her questions but she was not to come in…
… (CPS lady) stormed off saying she was going get a court order monday and said she would say we did not comply and Jake may had a black eye because he would not stay still. Please again Pray for us and Thank you”
Nachalaadopt.blogspot.com
Nachalaadopt2.blogspot.com
Nachalaadopt3.blogspot.com
What’s even more shocking is that Denise has been approved to adopt TWO MORE special needs kids!!!
Apparently Denise Davis is unfamiliar with the term mandated reporter:
“HE ASSUMED ABUSE/NEGLECT WITHOUT CONSULTING OUR FAMILY DOCTOR… After he (doctor at Shriners horrified by the condition of little Jake Davis) knew he was in the wrong he filed a false report of abuse and neglect…
Maybe the nightmares were caused by Denise neglecting now-dead adoptee Gennie? Or the weimareiner dogs she backyard breeds that were once removed from her care for biting a kid? Or perhaps allowing her other adopted son Patrick to suffer for weeks on end with painfully infected and abscessed teeth??
“I pray that Dr. (Name at Shriners Louisiana) is sleeping well for he has given our children nightmares. “.
Carlee,
Got a link for this? I can’t find anything on this on her old blogs. Not that it’s so surprising… Denise Davis is in continual flight from her own reputation, eternally making new blogs to solicit donations from people who don’t know her track record.
A good adoption reform would be to have the state department check the PAPs history with CPS before granting immigration approval. A child died in her care– maybe Louisiana judged that they couldn’t make any criminal charges stick in regards to Gennie’s death, but Denise Davis and hubby surely shouldn’t be allowed to adopt any more kids.
Yet another dead international adoptee — Shannon Shpak’s daughter Haven had been home all of seven months!!
(Kid lives 4+ yrs as an orphan but just a few months with a godly Christian “forever family” yet again proves lethal!)
http://www.youcaring.com/memorial-fundraiser/memorial-fund-/108563
http://littlewondersofourlife.blogspot.com
ADA,
I’ve been paging through the ‘Little Wonders’ blog trying to find out if Haven might have a medical condition that explains why she might have died, but I’m having a difficult time because the blog appears to be at least 90% about one child– Ethan. I haven’t even managed to figure out what any of the other kids names are, other than Haven!
Look at the last photo in this post and tell me she doesn’t WORSHIP Ethan. Yes, the “caption” on this photo probably wasn’t intentional, but the fact that she didn’t catch the ambiguity– paired with the fact that 90% of the blog focuses on him– makes me think this expresses a psychological truth: It’s all for Ethan.
http://littlewondersofourlife.blogspot.com/2013/06/this-season.html
Haven appears to be of Asian ancestry, and seems to have some form of skeletal dysplasia. She joined the Shpak’s family in June, and has been stated to have “attachment issues”. So– if she has been in-country for seven months, she was with another family for two months. Sounds like an adoption from disruption, especially since the blog doesn’t mention any of the laborious procedures required for an international adoption.
Now, some forms of skeletal dysplasia DO involve medical fragility, but given the adoption-from-disruption with proclaimed “attachment disorder” by a mother who considers submission to be the highest of all possible virtues… it gives me a queasy feeling about what caused Haven’s sudden death.
Edit: Haven apparently DOES have medical issues which might cause an unexpected death– she’s been hospitalized once for gastrointestinal bleeding that required a transfusion, and has multiple physical complications.
http://littlewondersofourlife.blogspot.com/2013_08_01_archive.html
Oh, and one of the other girl’s name is Ruby Faith. That’s three of seven…
Ethan is the main focus of that particular blog, due to his extreme medical needs. She does share about her other children on facebook, fairly equitably.
Oh, and Haven did not “live 4+ years as an orphan” — she was not even 3 when she died. Shannon is very private about Haven’s history, even on facebook. But if in fact this was adoption from disruption, then they took in a medically fragile, traumatized 2-year-old and did everything they could to normalize her life. Please spare them your snark in their grief.
@Galit: Because it is a truly responsible thing to do, adopting yet another child while the family is 1) spending a ton of time in hospital with Ethan and 2) working to integrate Anya, who was adopted well under a year earlier, into their family.
Perhaps if Shannon Shpak and her hubby were not spread so thin with so many medically complex and newly adopted kids they would have had more time to devote to now-dead Haven.
The fact of the matter is the girl lived THREE years in an orphanage/failed adoptive placement and mere MONTHS with the Shpak’s.
Galit,
I did put it up immediately when I found info on the blog that Haven had legitimate health problems. All I have to go by is what’s on the blog, because that’s the URL given by Another Dead Adoptee. He(she?) is also the source of the 4+ years figure; I wasn’t able to find Haven’s age.
All I was able to find out is that she was a smart, spirited child who was traumatized by a system which treats children like commodities to be marketed and sold to adoptive parents– and unloaded on someone else if they prove unsatisfactory to their purchaser.
The death of a child is a serious, tragic event. Hard questions SHOULD be asked whenever it occurs– especially when the death seems to fall into a pattern that has become all too common: The adoptee labeled “attachment disordered” after only having been with their APs a few months, and then being “rehomed” without proper safeguards and/or dying mysteriously.
Maybe Haven’s death DOESN’T fall into this pattern, and the Shpaks did everything right, but she just died. Even so, the approval of the original PAPs shows the need to reform the home study process, because too many unsuitable parents are getting through.
All of you that are talking about Haven Shpak have absolutely NO IDEA what you are talking about. These comments make me sick to my stomach as I was the original prospective adoptive Mom. Her original adoptive mother K.W. did not want this child from the time she brought her home from China. I know all about her medical condition and everything you are saying is completely WRONG. I know exactly what her condition is/was plus a lot of other complicated issues that no one could ever understand unless you were her physician or parent. The original adoptive parents wanted to disrupt the adoption. Social Services was called in and I was told that they were searching for another family due to their inability to think clearly. Which is a whole other story. We were cleared for adoption, passed all the requirement and the W family came unglued when Social Services was called in by the nursing facility and not by us which I think is what they thought. The Shpak family was lied to from the very beginning about the condition of Haven. The parents who originally adopted her are the ones you need to target….but you don’t know them and I will not tell you who they are. They turned away a perfectly qualified family because of pride or insanity whichever. I will never know. No one will ever know what the W family thinking. Haven’s medical condition was completely clear to them and I have the documents to prove it. What kind of website is this. Are you kidding me!!!!!!!!! Haven’s death was accidentally and yes she was under a lot of emotional post traumatic stress from probably being adopted ( if you will read about adopting older children and children from orphanages then you would have this knowledge) However this poor child was having screaming nightmares and calling out the original adoptive mother by name her first name…screaming No! No! NO! She was ignored at the hospital that she was at and the adoptive mother left her there and the adoptive dad had no concern towards her as I have been told by another family that was there at the same time they were. I was no way informed by any medical staff. You have to be careful what you do because you never know who might know who you are and it is natural to be curious. This other family had great concern for Haven and called me (the first Mom they chose to adopt their daughter). This family told me that she stayed at the nurses station and all she saw was the nurses holding her and never saw a mother only a father on his computer. She could have very well died in my care as well. She had many issues. And you people have no idea what her original diagnosis was nor do you know what she had surgery for in the first place!!! You do not know the family and you do not know me and you do not know the medical staff to include doctors and nurses that cared for this little girl. You have no idea how many lives that she touched in her short time on this Earth. If you want to complain at the hand of how Haven was treated….let me give you the information about the people who adopted her from China and tell you about their history. You don’t know them, do you. You don’t know how they treated her, do you? You don’t know their history, do you? Let others that witness this original adoptive family give you their opinion about the W family!!!! Maybe you would turn your thoughts around. There are wonderful adoptive parents in this world. Haven’s death was a horrible tragedy and very unexpected. She was in no way mistreated by the Shpak family. I so wish I could blast this website with the real people you should be bashing. But guess what they would sue me. So let go of this and give this poor family that opened their home at a time that they were not sure but were contacted by the W family and then lied too!!!!!! Let’s know the facts before we start pointing fingers!!!! They are grieving terribly and so am I. The nurses are grieving. The many people who new her thru the adoption website are grieving. This child was born with a rare condition that affect 1:200,ooo – 400,000. Do not talk about anything until you have the facts. That is what is wrong this world today. Social Media!!!
I would like to clear up a few things after rereading my post and rereading again.
1. Haven’s death was not accidentally, it was unexpected at the time. The rare condition that she had mixed with other medical issues is one that some children never live through sometime before the surgery or even after…..but she did. She was a fighter!
2. I do agree that there are people out there that should never, never, ever adopt. It is a huge commitment especially with an older child and one with special needs. The “W” family definitely had a background that warranted that they should never adopt much less a child with such a severe condition. A lot of people have lost money and have suffered mental anguish due to this family’s adoption of this child.
3. As an internationally adoptive parent, I can tell you that the paperwork is time consuming, redundant, background, fingerprints, I don’t know how anyone can fall through the system. My daughter had more needs that we first were told. But you are given that disclaimer before you sign up for special needs. You also have plenty of time in China (not familiar with other countries) to not follow through with the adoption and leave the country without your child. I have actually seen that happen too.
But please, please know that the Shpak family did not have anything to do or were spread too thin. They have family and a church family that helps them. My church family and physical family helps me too. But my daughter is worth every amount of surgeries, and doctor appointmenst, physical therapy appointments. If she had been left in China she would not be alive and that is very true. She is now a very active, healthy 2nd grader that loves gymnastics, soccer and makes straight A’s on her report card. She ask many questions and wants to know how thinks work. She and my other biological children or the light of my life. Her siblings love her beyond words and we can’t imagine life without her.
God brought Shannon and I together. We laugh at the fact we shouldn’t even know each other. There is no reason for us to know each other. But God knew that we needed each other. It is hard to take tidbits from a blog and a FB page and create a full story. Please think twice before you attack a total stranger. And yes I agree there are horrible people out there. Too bad the first family could not handle the situation and maybe Haven would be a happy, thriving preschooler.
Another correction her rare condition has only been known to strike 1:200,000 to 400,000 children to include children in the USA.
You will never know how your words have torn Shannon’s heart apart.
Just one more thing and then I am done. It is common for older children to have attachment issues….. but Haven had no problem attaching to the nurses or my other friend who’s child was in the hospital for the same 2-month-long stay that Haven was in the hospital due to having the same condition. If you have a mother that does not want you and a dad that stays on the computer and leaves a 2 year old overnight by herself in the hospital. I have to wonder who had the attachment issues. Haven had no attachment issues with her present family. Her PTSD is what it is POST TRAUMATIC STRESS due to lack of emotional and or possible physical abuse…that is clearly my opinion. I do not have concrete proof just call it a feeling after 200+ emails and many, many phone calls and text with the original adoptive parent.
I am done now. Left to grieve with another family while the original family goes back to their normal life. Again, just my opinion. Thank you for letting me be the voice of truth on the other side of this matter.
@Concerned Adoptive Parent —
Fine, Haven’s first adoption failed almost immediate and she had PTSD at the time when Shannon adopted her. The first adoptive family wasn’t all that forthcoming about the little girl’s history at the time.
So why didn’t Shannon bother to get Haven checked out the instant the adoption was finalized?
Isn’t that the RESPONSIBLE thing to do, something Shannon, as amommy to multiple kids (with uncertain medical histories) would KNOW to do? An an experienced adoptive parent??
Little Ethan Shpak was touch and go, almost dying multiple times taht Shannon blogged abotu and begged for prayers? Doesn’t this suggest she spent a WHOLE lot of time with Ethan, and very little time with brand new, medically complex Haven??
It sure looks to me like Shannon was busy/overwhelmed with her other kids/family responsibilities to bother to 1) get proper medical care for Haven and 2) spend time with Haven when she was hospitalized.
Sure, maybe Shannon’s actions had nothing to do with Haven’s dealth. But maybe if Shannon hadn’t been spread so thin, hadn’t worshipped little Ethan so much, hadn’t adopted so damn many ids with medically complex needs and attachment issues within just a year or so, Haven may well be alive today… and be a happy girl, like YOUR happy little girl.
Shannon Shpak DESERVES to feel awful about how she treated Haven. She deserves to be HAUNTED by Haven’s death. For ETERNITY.
I certainly hope that adoption agencies will take note of Haven’s death and NEVER ever let Shannon adopt EVER again.
NAAME,
I wonder if you are the original adoptive mother? Haven was Dx with PTSD after going with the Shpaks. And yes she had Haven medically checked immediately. So the disrupted, non forthcoming adoptive parents have nothing to do with this?
Are you and adoptive parent or are you the original adoptive parent of Haven. If you are the original adoptive parent of this child….YOU have no idea what are you are talking about. Haven was being taken care of medically, physically, and emotionally. The medical records can prove. And yes she is haunted over the death of her daughter. And yes Ethan is fragile as well. The blog was created as an open adoption situation with Ethan’s family – if you must know. What was Shannon suppose to do give Haven away again????
@concerned parent:
1. Shannon, the experienced adoptive parent, should have gotten Haven checked out, regardless of what her first (seriously irresponsible and bordering on evil) adoptive family told her. It was Shannon’s RESPONSIBILITY as Haven’s new momma. No excuses.
2. Given that Shannon had her hands full with little Ethan, perhaps she should have said NO to little Haven. There’s an excellent chance Haven would still be here if Shannon wasn’t so damn preoccupied.
(Regardless of what Haven’s first family did/didn’t do, taking care of Haven was 100% Shannon and her hubby’s responsibility the second they adopted her. The Shpaks were NOT responsible for rescuing Haven. Had they declined to adopt her, surely another family or CPS or domestic foster care would have found her a family. It’s a total cop out to say Shannon did everything she could… well, she probably did. The fact is, she likely knew that given her other kids needs, her very, very best wasn’t ANYWHERE near enough for poor Haven).;
Naame, You sound like you know the shpak family personally. Or maybe you know the first adoptive family.
I am not going to continue to go back and forth. You didn’t answer my question if you were an adoptive parent yourself.
I have a funny feeling that you might just know the original family and if that is the case you clearly understand that I know the whole story from start to finish!!!! The people that should not have adopted Haven are the original parents and they know that from the very beginning. I have the proof, I have the information, I know the truth. You have no compassion or right to judge anyone unless you know the entire story from start to finish.
I can’t even believe your cruel words. If you only knew and if you are who I think you are~you already know!
Concerned Adoptive Parent,
As I said on November 26, 2013, “…Maybe Haven’s death DOESN’T fall into this pattern, and the Shpaks did everything right, but she just died. Even so, the approval of the original PAPs shows the need to reform the home study process, because too many unsuitable parents are getting through…”.
You seem to be saying that this site should stop discussing cases of death, disruption, and abuse in adoption, lest the wrong person be blamed– especially since confidentiality rules often prevent us from knowing the full story.
Sorry, but the first step in righting wrongs is to talk about them. If we have to do it in the absence of complete info, at least we’re doing it.
PAPs who should never be approved in the first place are slipping through the home study system– and children are paying the price. The profits to be made off international adoption lead to lax home studies because no one wants to rule out potential customers. Adoption agencies advocate for laws and policies that discourage family preservation– and sometimes even promote child abandonment– because that’s what makes money for the agencies.
Had Haven’s birth country offered affordable health care to all and support services to children with special needs, Haven might not have been surrendered by her first parents. Or an in-country adoptive family might have been found for her. THESE are the reforms which are truly needed– international adoption is a weak and inefficient “solution” which primarily benefits adoption agencies.
I agree that the process needs reform. Many PAP’s have inadequate preparation and/or postplacement support, as well as unrealistic expectations for the new child.
However, calling foul play every time a medically fragile adoptee dies would tend to feed into the reluctance to put oneself out there on behalf of such children. If a child is medically fragile, and has a, say, 20% chance of survival if left where they are, but a 50% chance of survival if given requisite medical intervention and TLC, that’s still a high probability of the child not making it in the adoptive placement. How many of these disruptions are caused by people realizing how dire the child’s prognosis is, and not wanting to be left with the hot potato of criminal suspicions, on top of losing him/her?
Many of these interventions are also risky in and of themselves. For example, a child with a heart defect may survive for years in the laying-down room of an orphanage, where there are no cardiovascular demands. The child’s only chance for a normal life is to undergo surgery. If the surgery fails, the child may in fact die sooner than if left at the orphanage, but the risk is worth the opportunity to actually become healthy.
Galit,
Re: “… feed into the reluctance to put oneself out there on behalf of such children…”
The problem right now is that TOO MANY unqualified parents are internationally adopting special needs kids out of peer pressure, blithely expecting that since “God” is “convicting them to adopt” that everything will work out. Then when they’re faced with the reality of a troubled child who isn’t “appreciative” (i.e., grateful) for their rescue and chance to live in a conservative Christian family in the United States, things fall apart.
It may seem laudable to “rescue” kids from orphanages– until you realize that the reason 95% of the kids are IN the orphanages in the first place is because that’s the means by which charity has been traditionally dispensed to poor families– to children ONLY, and only if the parents place their kids in “orphanages” run by the charity. Breaking up families and institutionalizing children are the conditions parents must comply with in order for their children to receive food, education, and medical care. Victorian workhouses, Communist bloc orphanages, and Christian “Children’s Homes” are all alike in their contempt for poor families, and their desire to pluck children out of them and raise them “correctly”.
“The problem right now is that TOO MANY unqualified parents are internationally adopting special needs kids”
Is the solution to cut their numbers down or to improve their qualification?
I also think you have to differentiate between parents who adopt “social orphans” who are otherwise superficially healthy — and then are disappointed or worse when the kids turn out to be traumatized or have hidden SN’s; and parents who intentionally adopt children with SN, researching their conditions, and doing their best to give the kids the treatment they need. They might still be underequipped because of inadequate standards of pre- and post-adoption support, but I get the sense that there are not “too many” of this latter kind.
Also, the considerations I described in my previous comment are more likely to deter “qualified” parents — who soberly consider all aspects of the adoption project — than the starry-eyed idealists who rush in where angels fear to tread.
The flipside is that every abuse of an adoptee case I have seen that involves starvation has the parents claiming the child’s small size and weight are caused by medical issues. Every. Single. One.
The death of a child should always be investigated. There should be an autopsy and a release of their medical records, even if it’s just a formality.
Granted.
The question still remains: If a child has ALREADY survived abuse, neglect, starvation etc. — under what circumstances should PAP’s take a chance on him? Is it a catch-22 where anything that happens to him that was caused by prior conditions will be blamed on those who are trying to heal him?
How do you differentiate between the two cases: AP’s who are trying to heal a severely hurt child, and abusive AP’s who exacerbate the damage?
The question does not remain. As I said, medical records should be routinely released to investigators as a routine matter in the death of any child, adopted or not. If the parents were addressing the child’s medical needs, the records will show it. If the child dies of serious medical issues and there are no medical records, then that should raise big red flags for medical neglect.
As I said, GRANTED. Local laws vary, but most states have rules governing the investigation of unusual deaths. We know that Haven was under the care of specialists at the time of her death. They are required by law to report any suspicion of abuse (as are teachers, etc. — that’s why homeschoolers are viewed suspiciously on this site). If you believe these protections are inadequately enforced in your state, you can certainly lobby for change.
There is a difference between an official investigation and a public story, however — especially if there does not turn out to be any foul play. At which point do you respect the privacy of a grieving family? Or do you expect every grieving family to publicize “The mortuary confirmed that we did not cause the death of our child”??? Should that clarification be included in every obituary?
BTW, has anyone else hat ReformTalk reject their posts?
Astrin,
Have you sent comments that haven’t been approved? There haven’t been any that we rejected, but sometimes comments go to the spam file and we may have missed something. If you posted something and it doesn’t show up send again because it may have gone to spam. Thanks! We had one comment (not from you) that is still pending due to concerns over liability and Rally is the blog owner so we need the green light to publish. Rally is still recovering and hopefully will be back in action soon.
Reformtina,
What’s happening is that my reply to to Galit just “bounces” without going into moderation.
Now, I have it copy/pasted, because I typed it, then decided to put in queue rather than ‘In Reply to’ to avoid the effect of the Incredible Shrinking Margins. But I’m pretty sure I’ve copy/pasted before, having been burned by a few browser crashes right after hitting ‘Submit’ on other sites.
Just when you thought Adeye Salem couldn’t get any more bizarre: http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2013/12/an-unusual-request-could-it-be-your.html
Name,
Aderye Salem really thinks that 3-5 cell frozen embyros are “…are no different to any child that I have ever advocated for…”? She’s no longer drinking the Kool-Aid– she’s mainlining it.
1. This is what I object so vehemently to — amommy feeling that she’s doing the right thing by getting her kid’s permission to blog about details of said child’s adoption trauma (asking is the right thing to do)… but failing to recognize that a kindergartner CANNOT meaningfully consent.
“If she (adopted 5 year old Z) weren’t okay with me (Mary) writing about how we help her, if it made her feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, then I wouldn’t write about it, and thus her willingness to allow me to share parts of her story is really the only reason I can help anyone at all. She grinned with pride, then turned to me with a serious face, “But why would I feel embarrassed?” she asked, “I just needed some help. Like hugs and talking.”
How will Zinashi feel about having the minutiae of her trauma all over the web when she’s 11?
Findingmagnolia.com
2. Amommy to a several “hard places” kids blogs that:
“I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that have struggled on a much more deep and profound level than our family – friends who have paid a very high price to parent their precious, hurting children. Family, friends and faith communities have often grown weary or judgmental and turned their backs on them. Some have made the painful decision to let their children more fully heal in residential treatment centers. Some have lost their career or marriage over the stress of parenting deeply injured children.”
This amommy fails to consider WHY family/friends “turn their backs” on them — because they are following unproven at best and flat-out abusive at worst “therapeutic parenting” techniques; because they sent their kid to a unlicensed dangerous place like Montana’s Ranch for Kids for “treatment”; because they got sick and tired of amommy take taking and giving nothing in return; because amommy’s parenting techniques have resulted in horrifically badly behaved kids who trash other people’s houses, and; because they are sick and tired of hearing how amommy feels her life is SO much harder than everybody else’s!
inpursuitofatoolbox.wordpress.com
3. Amommy who takes a Skinnerian approach to getting her kid to “bond” and fixing said kid to acquiesce to all her demands with. “Yes mommy” (denying the poor kid free wil. Maybe she does not want a kiss, you should NOT force it!) and giving candy to try to get the kid to look her in the eye. Operant conditioning is not an appropriate way to get a kiddo to love/like you:
“Practice “Yes, Mama” or “Yes, Daddy” with a smile. Every time we ask them to do something, we elicit a, “Yes, Mama” said with a smile and then smile back. That gives about 100 smiles a day and begins reciprocity.”
No, it just forces the kid to do what you tell them to — regardless of if its appropriate or not!
http://holycrazy.blogspot.com/2013/11/attachment-tricks.html
Name,
Re: “… Some have made the painful decision to let their children more fully heal in residential treatment centers…”
But… I thought all children NEEDED to be in families! Group care is so evil that we need to allow unqualified parents to adopt, and pressure reluctant teenagers to agree to be adopted to a foreign country where they don’t speak the language, just so kids can experience their “birthright” of living in a family. Well, assuming the family in question is headed by a straight married couple who are raising their kids to be True Christians™, of course. /sarc/
*sigh* Part of practicing the Adoption Gospel is ignoring any evidence that maybe you’re doing more harm than good… like causing healthy, functional kids in another country to wind up confined to a mental health facility because they weren’t as affectionate and appreciative as their “rescuers” felt they should be.
This one is even worse:
My heart absolutely breaks for “Dimples” adopted daughter of professional advice-giver and “hard places” parenting expert Lisa Qualls who was exiled to a ghastly “ranch for kids” more than a year ago:
“Russ and I talked for hours as we drove home, worrying aloud about the future and what life will be like. We can’t go back to the way we lived before, we know that. In the end, this is not about our plans and ideas, it’s about following the path God sets before us. We belong to Jesus and we’ll do whatever He asks of us.”
How does a kid attach to mommy and daddy if mommy and daddy send her away? How does a kid attach to mommy and daddy when mommy homeschooled all the kids EXCEPT Dimples, took a the kids on fun family vacations EXCEPT Dimples, spent time with the kids EXCEPT Dimples on weekends (who got sent to a paid respite provider)?
“Thank you to each one of you who prays for Dimples and our family. For those of you who may be inclined to be critical of this post, please recognize that this is a process and I’m vulnerably walking it publicly with you. We’ll see Dimples again in just a couple of weeks and maybe we’ll feel more hopeful.”
Sending your adopted kid away is SHAMEFUL! you should not be giving advice on “hard places” kids when your parenting approach was to spend NO time with the kid before you send her to EXILE at a shady ranch indefinitely? My bible seems to be missing the page where Jesus advocates for getting rid of your sick child for your personal convenience!
http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trauma/are-we-interchangeable
Name,
I can understand there might be situations when residential treatment might be the best choice when the other kids in the family are suffering. Though if they hadn’t adopted out of birth order and waited until Dimples was stable before adopting more kids, that wouldn’t have been an issue. Best practices guidelines exist for a REASON; they’re not just arbitrary restrictions invented by heartless secular social workers.
But it defeats me how they expect Dimples to grow MORE attached to them in absentia. Attachment isn’t based on bottlefeeding, holding, or rebirthing– it’s based on trust that the parents will be there and meet the child’s needs appropriately, no matter what those needs are. Putting a child in residential therapy is never going to build that kind of trust in the APs, no matter what kind of “treatment” is received.
Name,
I found this guest post on Lisa Qualls’ site which lays out the proposition that PAP expectations of older child adoption are sometimes unreasonable. The fact that Lisa Qualls posted it shows (I hope!) that she’s beginning to get some insight into the problem.
http://www.onethankfulmom.com/adoption/joining-a-new-family-at-16-and-realistic-expectations/#.Urn8v7QzUZk
Lisa Qualls adopted Dimples when she was around 6-7 years old and has been home 4 yrs. I’m all for keeping expectations realistic — but Lisa adopted this child as a little girl. (“Benevolent auntie” is a realistic expectation if your adopt an older teen; way too low a bar for attachment for a kid adopted as young as Dimples).
Lisa spent almost no time with Dimples, found that the girl did better with 1:1 attention from her parents (whodathunkit?!??) but was unable or unwilling to give her the individual attention she craved because she has NINE other kids.
Why adopt a kid you don’t spend any time with? Why give advice on raising “hard places” kids when you’ve outsourced your girl’s care??
Lisa writes that:
“In addition to the benefits of therapy, last week gave us something very special. With so much undivided attention, Dimples blossomed; she relaxed, smiled more, and was affectionate. Best of all, she was fun to be with – we enjoyed her, and she enjoyed us. Do you know how wonderful this was? We don’t love our kids based on feelings, but I’ve got to tell you, it is awfully nice when the sweet, loving feelings show up, especially when the relationship is generally so challenging….
This is what made the difference”
I’m willing to bet Lisa will soon disrupt Dimples, claim she did everything possible (NO! NO!! She flat-out neglected Dimples and pretty much outsourced her care from the get go!! The kid hasn’t even been permitted to live at home for 12+ months!!) and Jesus is down with disruption.
Her loyal readers – likely adoptive mommies equally selfish!! – will praise her “bravery”. Barf!
http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trauma/wanting-those-loving-feelings
http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trauma/a-different-kind-of-vacation
Name,
I was referring more to the general principal cited, which was that many PAPs seem to expect adopting a kid to be like buying an app– after a few weeks to “adjust” the child will be just as affectionate and compliant as their biokids, and they’ll have given up all their habits and beliefs that don’t “fit” in their new family.
I agree that Dimples might have attached just fine if she hadn’t been adopted by a “megafamily” that expected her to just fall into step with her new siblings without needing much individual attention.
The State Department has spent several years issuing warnings regarding corruption/trafficking associated with adopting from the DRC:
http://adoption.state.gov/country_information/alerts_notices.php?country-select=democratic%20republic%20of%20the%20congo
The DRC recently announced it was suspending all exit permits for international adoptions for a year, effectively suspending international adoptions for a full twelve months.
Many, many people (adopters even!) in DRC have been pleading with PAPs not to adopt from DRC because of the MASSIVE and ENDEMIC corruption fuelled by supposedly divinely inspired US couples who feel “called” to adopt from DRC. Paperwork has been falsified. Congolese kids who have families that love them (very poor families, but FAMILIES nonetheless) have been trafficked into adoption – and the DRC’s governance is so weak that it literally does not have the capacity to verify if kids are TRULY orphans in need of new families:
http://kitumaini.blogspot.com/2013/04/drc-adoption-posts.html
Keep in mind the DRC is presently unable to provide reliable electricity and clean water to its own citizens. The security situation is a mess. There are unofficial wards being fought within and around its borders. Checking up on paperwork for supposed orphans? Not something they have the capacity to do at the moment. And DRC’s entitled to NOT do so, being a sovereign nation and all.
Many, many PAPs don’t let little things like MASSIVE CORRUPTION and IMPENDNIG SHUTDOWN of ADOPTIONS by foreigners phase them… and five families are now stuck in DRC, as the Congolese government will no issue exit permits for the kids they’ve adopted.
https://www.facebook.com/stuckincongo5
These children have been adopted by the US couples… but are still Congolese citizens (they won’t become US citizens until they step onto US soil).
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/americans-stuck-congo-fighting-bring-adopted-children-home-article-1.1564496
So now these adopters (who refused to heed MULTIPLE warnings) are demanding the US government make DRC issue exist visas for their newly adopted kids. Keep in mind that:
DRC is a sovereign nation.
The kids are Congolese citizens (NOT yet US citizens).
The US government CANNOT compel a sovereign nation to issue exit permits to IS OWN CITIZENS.
Said adopters are now bemoaning the fact that they PROCEEDED with adoptions when a suspension of adoptions was looming. And they KNEW it was looming, as the State Department had been warning them for YEARS. They’re now outraged that they cannot get exit permits for their adopted Congolese kids and the US government isn’t able to help them… since well, DRC is a sovereign nation, and entitled to not issue exit permits.
These folks? Just. Don’t get it.
Erin ABANDONNED HER BIOKIDS in hopes of picking up her adopted daughter in DRC and has been in-country nearly 3 months. She blogs that “thas been almost three months since I arrived in my youngest daughter’s birth country. Right before we flew out in early October we heard rumblings of a suspension, but there are often those types of rumors and we knew we had all of the required paperwork, so we came anyways… and many other things that gave us hope we would still receive an exit letter.”
She IGNORED WARNINGS from the State Department. IGNORED.
“Before I arrived, the longest I’ve ever been away from Camille and Noah has been for two days. After Chris returned from his deployment at the end of February we were determined to all be together. This led us to decide to homeschool until we arrived at our next duty station, so we could travel with him to different military training that was required. Now we are all separated, my parents are watching the children in Maryland, Chris is in school in Virginia, and I am here in Congo. “
Erin left her 2 biokids PARENTLESS. Abandonned them to camp out in DRC. Is this responsible parenting? Would you abandon YOUR kids when their daddy was deployed? What kind of mommy would abandon her kids when she pretty much KNEW she wasn’t gonna get an exit permit for the DRC kid until late 2014? i.e. after ban on issuing exit permits for international adoptions was lifted by the DRC.
“The Embassy stated that once we were able to submit to the DGM, they would fight for citizens after 10 days if our case had not progressed. Processing of exit letters is stated on the DGM website as taking one week. At one month of “processing” I would say that we’ve exceeded “patient”. This does not include the nearly 6 weeks that we waited just for the DGM to accept something that they said they would from the beginning”.
The DRC doesn’t wanna issue exit letters. The US government cannot MAKE them do so. Maybe it’s not such a good idea to ignore warnings from the State Department?? That simply turning up in DRC won’t magically make a foreign government issue an exit permit for its own citizen??
“L (Congolese child), has changed so much since we first met. She’s attached. By ALL legal rights she is our daughter. She has a US Visa and we meet all the criteria that the Congo has stipulated during their suspension, yet we are still unable to receive an exit permit”
Kid is a Congolese citizen. DRC government isn’t issuing exist permits. What doesn’t Erin (and the 4 other “stuck” in DRC families) get???
http://www.tinydreamercreative.com/2013/12/stuck/
If erin left for Congo in October – she knew about the suspension, everyone in the Congolese adoption community knew about it around 25th of September.
And you’re right, you can’t force the government to give you the kids. You should read what they’re writing in the Facebook group, the private one.
Erin’s argument that she DESERVES the exit permits for her Congolese kids because their Boudreau letters were issued before the Sept 25/13 cutoff date flies in the face of the latest State Dept DRC alert, that was published on Dec. 19/13:
“The (DRC) Ministers announced that even those adoptive families whose cases meet the DGM’s (Congolese government agency responsible for issuing exit permits) criteria for receiving exit permits during the suspension will experience significant processing delays. Applications for exit permits for adopted children are facing increased scrutiny following reports of an apparently falsely backdated bordereau letter submitted by a U.S. family. The DGM reported that a number of additional applications appear to include fraudulently-obtained documentation as well. The Ministers stressed that adoptive parents “must be patient” as the DGM is reviewing applications thoroughly and cannot predict when exit permits may be issued.”
FRAUD. Fraudulent paperwork!!
http://adoption.state.gov/country_information/country_specific_alerts_notices.php
Cassandra Taylor is one of the PAPs whose kid is “stuck” in DRC due to the exit permit issue.
http://voyageoffaithandlove.blogspot.com/2013/12/our-voyage-so-far.html
Cassandra failed to heed multiple State Dept warnings AND fails to see the irony that kids are given up for adoption bc their biofamilies are too poor to raise them AND the fact that she’s fundraising her adoption. She can’t afford to adopt either:
http://www.gofundme.com/taylorcongoadoption?utm_medium=wdgt
Cassandra, amazingly, really, truly believes there’s no corruption in adoptions in DRC:
“Actually the Congo government is not responsible for determining if a child is an orphan. It is the U.S. Embassy that conducts the orphan investigation and they have appropriate resources to do so. The child we are adopting is, in fact, an orphan. I am not supporting human trafficking; I am trying to provide a home and family and future to a child who desperately needs them. If this child does not get adopted, there is a good chance he will die before reaching adulthood. If he does survive, he will face a life of poverty, he may be homeless, he may lead a life of crime or join one of the violent rebel armies. Are any of those scenarios better than him joining a loving family in America? An orphan in the DRC does not have a promising future. Also, I am not “buying a child”. I am paying the required adoption fees that cover the necessary steps of the adoption.”
Because the options for a Congolese child are death or “rescue” by her family? Barf.
Clearly I don’t belong to the right Facebook groups because I’m so not privy to the supposedly outrageous behaviors of thee vile PAPs/APs who are still in-country awaiting exit permits
The private Congolese adoption facebook group is something else – and a lot of them echo the behavior that you’re mentioning. It’s sad.
It’d never happen, but I fantasize about some State Department staffer telling ‘Stuck’ parents, “Look, YOU decided of your own free will to adopt internationally rather than adopting one of America’s waiting kids from foster care. You also decided to adopt from a country despite reports of numerous cases of child trafficking and corruption. You proceeded despite numerous warnings of the program shutting down.
The U.S. Government has no power over foreign child welfare programs, no right to intervene in the adoption processes of other countries, and no obligation to rescue you from the consequences of your idiocy.”
Hey, I can dream, can’t I?
To Reform Talk Readers: We received a couple of interesting comments alleging egregious behavior about APs, but there were no links with concrete information to back them up so we cannot publish the comments. Please remember to make sure you are either posting your opinion about a topic or if stating facts provide a source for the information. Thanks!
It’s a bumper crop of disruptions today at Facebook.com/secondchancedoptions. THREE kids (2 Ethiopia, 1 Chinese) are being offered as “free to a good home”.
BARF!
Kid #1 Josiah from China: “We need your help, this child needs a new home; please post his to your own Facebook page. “Josiah” is a14 yr old child whose current adoption is not working out, and he needs a new home asap. Josiah is age 14 and was adopted from China approximately 10 months ago. He came to the U.S. without much education. His adoption was an attempt to help an orphan child be adopted before he aged out at age 14.
He came into the orphanage in China at age 7. He had previously been in an extremely poor home and was eventually abandoned on the street. When he came to his U.S. family, he didn’t understand what it meant to be adopted and he had not been prepared.
He was considered developmentally delayed while in China, but the physicians here in the U.S. believe he has normal development and his experiences at school seem to show this too.”
OMG! You adopt a FOURTEEN year old orphan who… doesn’t know what it’s like to have a family. Whodathunkit?? A kid who has been an orphan his WHOLE DAMN LIFE.
Kid #2) Breanne from Ethiopia: “Breanne is an 11 year old girl adopted from a popular country in Africa in February 2009. She was adopted along with her younger brother (also pictured on this webpage) and a younger cousin.
Breanne lives in a Catholic home, and her religion is very important to her. For this reason, we are seeking a new home for her that is Catholic, if possible.
Breanne came from one of the poorest regions in Ethiopia. Her father died when she was very young, and her mother died when she was around 4.
Breanne is a beautiful girl, she loves to receive affection from parents and grandparents. She loves, reading and sharing stories, singing, swimming, riding her bike and drawing. She is always willing to help at home, enjoys cooking and learning new things. She likes her cat. Her nature is gentle, she is well mannered, and responsible. Breanne says a lot with her eyes and her smile. When asked Breanne, “What do you think you might want to be when you grows up,” she said, “I don’t know…but I do want to be a saint.”
She has been diagnosed with RAD and this causes her to reject affection at times and act on her negative feelings. She see herself as loveable and is willing to give love. She needs help in processing her feelings, living in reality, and building a healthy self-image. “
The APs are kicking an otherwise healthy young girl with no major bad behaviors to the curb?? Really?? My bible seems to be missing the page where Jesus advises folks to get rid of a child due to slightly problematic behaviour!!
Kid#3) Tanner from Ethiopia: “Tanner was born on January 26, 2004, making him almost 10. He was one of three related children adopted from a popular country in Africa almost 5 years ago. He is being placed separately from the other 2.
He was adopted by a California family along with his biological sibling and one older cousin. Tanner is in a Catholic home, and his religion is very important to him. For this reason, we are seeking a new home for him that is Catholic.
Tanner came from one of the poorest regions in a popular adoptive African country.
He is extremely intelligent, does wonderfully in school, is very well behaved except for one habit (write us at secondchance@wiaa.org for details).
He has been diagnosed with RAD but is not on any medication. He has an IEP in school. He is homeschooled because it is more challenging for him, and he feels he learned more at home. School and teachers who oversee the homeschool said Tanner was exceptional student. Tanner excels academically although math is a little hard for him. He scores exceptionally well on his report cards. In spite of his struggles in math, he scores in the advanced level on his report cards. Tanner is a wonderful young man with capabilities of high achievement, he responsibly and works very hard. He loves to read historical books, and has developed a very high level of comprehension of many world situations and issues.
He also loves riding his bike and enjoys swimming, woodworking and has built a birdhouse on his own; he clean and well mannered. He is complimented when in public on how well behaved he is. He is athletic and loves sports. At this time the parents don’t have their children in sports because it’s too hard on mom, father works out of town all week. Tanner has no peace living with his sisters, his mind is somehow over stimulates in their presence.
His adoptive parents love him, and he loves them. However he has a problem (please write for details) that is making it impossible for him to live in his home with his biological sister and cousin who were adopted at the same time.
Due to some adverse attitudes towards women, Tanner cannot be adopted by a single woman, but a single man would be ok, or a 2 parent home. It is preferred that one parent stay home.”
So eleven-year-old Breanne “rejects affection at times”? PAPs who don’t recognize that kids have a RIGHT to reject unwanted physical contact shouldn’t be able to pass home study.
Yet another RR family has disrupted — Sylvia and Jason Middleton gave up 1 of the 3 unrelated Ukrainian girls they adopted.
Little Gabby and Ava (both have DS, adopted 2010 and 2013, respectively) are still safe, sound, loved and still Middletons. Big sissy Madalie (adopted in 2013, simultaneously with Ava) is no longer a Middleton.
gaininggabby.blogspot.com
journeytoreunitetwoangels.blogspot.com
Some may recall that Sylvia headed to Ukraine without enough $$ to complete her adoptions and eventually sold access to her Facebook adoption group for $10/per person.
Poor lil Madalie had a “forever family” for less than 12 mos.
Um… what’s your source for this info? Both of the blogs you cite don’t mention this, and they’ve both been “dead” for months.