FacePalm Friday
Welcome to this week’s edition of FacePalm Friday.
This is where your hosts will list their top picks for this week’s FacePalm moment—something they learned or read about this week that caused the FacePalm to happen (you know, the expression of embarrassment, frustration, disbelief, shock, disgust or mixed humor as depicted in our Rally FacePalm smiley).
We invite you to add your FacePalm of the week to our comments. Go ahead and add a link, tell a personal story, or share something that triggered the FacePalm on the subject of child welfare or adoption.
Your Host’s Selections:
(1)Owner of RedThread China personal shopping and care package delivery FREAKS OUT on popular public China forum
See http://chinaadopttalk.com/forum/index.php?topic=91057.0
Don’t Take Away My Business! 
(2) Bad Dad
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2344782/Naomi-Martinez-reunite-family-nearly-40-years-father-brought-U-S.html [Daily Mail 6/19/13 by Anna Sanders]
Dad takes one daughter to the US and continues to tell her that her mother abandoned her. At least she now knows the truth and will reunite with her mother and siblings.
I don’t think he got one of these this year: 
(3)Another reporter misses the Reece’s Rainbow boat 
It is very sad that disabled children do not get better care in orphanages. We covered this girls story in our Dima’s law post. 
if the truth hurts but this family was not even approved to adopt yet.
(4) Media covers Independent Adoption Center PAP website
Why is this considered newsworthy? http://www.klfy.com/story/22637873/couple-uses-social-media-in-their-adoption-search
(5) This Week’s Media Love Fest for Adoption Fundraisers
This time it is for a couple who first had a voluntourism trip to Haiti and claims that two girls in the unlicensed orphanage “chose” them to be their parents.
Voluntourism + UNlicensed orphanage + Pre-selection in a Hague Country. 
This does not add up to a legal or ethical adoption.
They say it will take 5 years and $60,000 and of course their church is going to fundraise for them. I don’t know which is more facepalm-worthy-PAPs who have no clue how the legal process works or agencies who take on these clients. The agency should be stripped of their license.
Don’t do it, little PAP! Think about the process before paying the big bucks! 
Rally,
Re: Independent Adoption Center PAP website
It’s newsworthy because most people whose lives HAVEN’T been involved in adoption in some way have no idea what’s going on in the Wild West of domestic infant adoption. There are still people under the misapprehension that there are a surplus of HEALTHY NEWBORNS in the USA whose parents have surrendered them and who are facing a life in foster care if not “rescued”. (Somebody on this site provided the PAP’s blog URL, or I wouldn’t have believed any 21st century American could be that ignorant).
Heck, I hadn’t realized that parents adopting from China needed to send care packages to the orphanages and/or foster families, much less a “personal shopper” for when they hit the Pearl Market while in China! You learn something new everyday.
So many facepalms, so little time:
1) PAPs that desperately need $7K from strangers on the internet in a matter of days because a supernatural being told you to “rescue” (barf!) a particular Ethiopian child, less than 6 mos after you adopted 2 unrelated Ethiopian kids:
“In order to complete the final steps in bringing our daughter home, we need to raise $7,000 in a matter of days. I know this seems impossible, but God is teaching me that impossible things are possible with Him. God has asked us to LOVE One More, He will not abandon us as we follow his lead…
…Give. We are asking each of you to give $10 and then to pass this on to 25 of your friends, asking the same thing. Giving is easy, just click the PayPal button on the top right hand side of the blog. You can pay with your PayPal account or debit/credit card. ”
run2africa.blogspot.com/2013/06/we-need-help.html
Deets on the 2 Ethiopians adopted in January 2013:
run2africa.blogspot.com/2013/04/difficult-decisions.html
2) Why not beg strangers for $55K so that you can hire a surrogate to have the second baby of your dreams??
“Every time I start doing the research and getting all the information for gestational surrogacy, I get overwhelmed by the cost/time/emotional stuff of it all. My husband and I have been wanting to start our journey to surrogacy for a while, but we recently learned our insurance will not cover this. We will have to cover 100% of the costs. It’s just another bump in the ‘ol road.
I know for a fact we will have another child. Whether it’s by surrogacy, or adoption, we will have a brother or sister for our kiddo. Both are a ton of money. Goodness. Sooooooo, that brings me to my Go Fund Me. It’s a site dedicated to raising money for people/situations/whatever. I set up a page to begin raising money for surrogacy”
http://thepapermama.com/2013/05/surrogacy-adventure.html
3) Why not beg strangers for $31K to adopt a girl with DS because your hubby fell in love with her photo on Facebook?? She even brags about getting “pre-approval” to adopt said girlie in all of FOUR DAYS. Who approves a family WITHOUT a homestudy??
“Joe was on Facebook and Ava popped up on his newsfeed and stole his heart. He messaged me right away to go and look at her. As soon as I saw her I knew. I cried. I knew. He came home from work and talked about what this could mean for our family. I emailed the agency that represents Ava right away and asked about her. We learned that she had been abandoned at a hospital sometime around 6 months old. She’s been in an orphanage ever since. She will be 4 this summer. Joe and I spoke to our children about this and they all said “WE HAVE TO GET HER!!! She NEEDS a family!!!…
… we sent in an application to her government for pre-approval. We heard back on the 4th day that it was a YES!!! (Usually takes 10-14 days!!!) So, while we have NO clue how God will raise up the funds needed to make Ava an UNorphan and turn her into a Rigelsky, we trust that He will. ”
http://avaontheway.blogspot.com/2013/04/ava-on-way.html
A double adoption of unrelated kids ended in disruption. The kids were matched through RR not long ago.. 🙁
http://www.lairdgarner.com/adopt
These people are mentally ill and should never have been approved to adopt. I hope that they do not try to adopt again, We will add to our disruption tracking.
Both of you know nothing about this situation. The children are in a far better situation than they were before, and two new families were excited to receive them.
Far easier to slander than to get your facts straight.
I have no idea what your response is about. This comment was about US parents being mad that the children were placed with other families. That is a FacePalm as anytime a child who needs a new family get placed with one should be celebrated not complained about. It is not about the children or the families that did adopt the children.
@Rally
“These people are mentally ill and should never have been approved…”
Who are you referring to? No US parents were mad about the children being placed elsewhere.
From direct experience with this situation, they did the best they could to get special needs kids into a quality healthcare situation. A couple months in, they recognized they would not be able to integrate them into their family.
Disruption can be a safe, reasonable, “best” option.
Ah, I thought you were responding to the Russian situation which is what my response to you was about. Regarding this case that a commenter posted, My comment is based on the blog post . Things like the following which sounds delusional to me, hence my comment: “Not to sound grandiose, but a war truly is raging against children and families around the world. The enemy of our souls does not play fair, and he will continue to exploit and crush the weakest among us—and he doesn’t like it when any of his targets get pulled out of the fire.” and the entire Savior mentality that they have is NOT in the best interests of the children.These placements make money for the agency and are about a sick self-satisfaction for the AP thinking they will get to heaven because they are “saving” children . They want to adopt again yet they were very unprepared to adopt these children in the first place. Disruptions that occur so quickly after placement are due to being unprepared or being lied to about the conditions. These people selected these children. I do not have an iota of confidence that they would be prepared in another adoption. There have been so MANY RR early disruptions that it is becoming suspiciously close to visa fraud.These cases are very concerning to anyone interested in adoption reform.
…and that proves my point. You don’t really know anything about the situation, nor about this family. You manufactured a religious belief system they do not hold, and are trying to tear it apart to make a point.
It seems your preference would be to have left these two children to die in the next few years. Or in the case of the young girl, enter the lovely world of rape and 60%+ chance of finding herself trafficked for sex in just a few short years.
They made it out…no, it wasn’t the ideal picture everyone had hoped for, but it is hardly an example to ridicule. Your ad hominem attacks do not help to advance your cause.
I quoted her blog. It is very obvious what they are all about by THEIR OWN WORDS. You can’t change that. Your ridiculous notion that the ONLY other options were to die or be raped is typical of the defenders of these bloggers. Sad that you live in such a depressed fashion and have no hope and don’t want to work to change the situation IN the foreign countries.
PAPs outraged by the US government’s requirement that a newly adopted Ukrainian kid with HIV must have a TB test before being permitted to travel to the US (multiple drug resistant TB is treatable; our govt sensibly prefers folks with this disease to be treated *before* entering the US, so as NOT to infect our fellow citizens.
The Brinks, an underprepared Reece’s Rainbow family, who is depending on a supernatural being to fund their adoption AND has no emergency fund/savings to cope with this sensible safety requirement, new for Ukraine, but on the State Dept the books since 2010, from what I can tell http://adoption.state.gov/country_information/country_specific_alerts_notices.php?alert_notice_type=notices&alert_notice_file=india_1 ,
http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/2013/06/sometimes-my-blood-boils.html
I am glad this requirement is now in place as two Ethiopian children DID enter the US with MDR TB a few years back.
Me too. Years ago, a dear (and immuno suppressed) friend had the misfortune of being on the same plane as a reckless young man on his honeymoon who KNEW he had multidrug resistant TB … and decided to go on his European honeymoon anyways, potentially infecting HUNDREDS of people.
This Reece’s Rainbow PAP is appalled, just appalled that our government is taking steps to protect its citizens from MDR TB.
She asks folks to write to their elected officials in order to protest this (in her opinion) horrible new rule… and comparing those who do NOT speak up to Germans who did not speak up when the Nazis (!!) began exterminating Jews, people with disabiltites, minorities etc:
http://lollygaganddawdle.blogspot.com/2013/06/in-germany.html
“t has come to my attention that there is a population that I feel is being discriminated against. The population: HIV+ children adopted by American couples overseas. According to the CDC, a child that is HIV+ and over 10 must wait an additional 8 weeks in country, after their adoption decree is final, so that a TB sputum test can be done and the results confirmed. This is required of no other special need. And this is unacceptable. Older children already face an uphill battle when it comes to families choosing them. Add being HIV+ to this equation and the odds are slim that they will find a loving family to call their own. Now, let’s add to that equation the fact that the two people, who have chosen to cross an ocean to show this child they are loved, are now required to wait an ADDITIONAL EIGHT weeks to bring this child home. In most families, the mom and/or dad are employed and have other little ones at home. So now this couple must jeopardize their livelihood because the CDC wants a test done that takes 8 weeks to complete. And what of their children at home? Have you ever left your child for 2 months and traveled overseas? I highly doubt it. But this is what the CDC is asking these people to do. I am not asking that you put the public at risk by exposing them to undiagnosed TB from a newly adopted American citizen, I am asking you to be a part of a solution. A solution, an answered prayer, for these families that have stepped forward. I am asking you to treat their newly adopted child like the American citizen they are once the adoption decree is filed in their country of origin. I am asking you to be a hero to thousands of HIV+ children in other countries who hope and pray everyday that someone will choose them. Please step up. Please help us help these families and these children. There is a better solution. Will you be the one to think of it? “
I’m not familiar with the specifics of the requirement, and I can certainly see being upset if, say, the requirement changed in the middle of the PAP’s travel, but does the test have to be done only after the paperwork, or could you start it a few weeks before filing the paperwork, therefore shortening the timespan? Does anyone know?
I don’t know for sure, but my guess would be that until the Ukrainian post-court waiting period is over, said kid is not yet officially an adopted kid. So the brand new APs cannot get medical tests performed on their child until the kid is OFFICIALLY their kid.
My understanding is also that the 8 week TB test requirement has been in place for a few months — so it is the PAPs /APs responsibility to do their due diligence. Yes, the adoption agency should have given them a heads-up but ultimately it is the APs / PAPs responsibility. If the 8-week post-test wait isn’t something a PAP is willing to accept, they should have adopted from someplace else!
Oh, I agree. My only sympathy would pretty much only be with a PAP who arrived in country, got through the process and were told “So, yesterday, the requirements changed. You’re going to have to stay for several extra weeks.” It’s only human nature to be upset. But I’m not impressed by their refusal to understand why the requirement exists.
Folks who fundraise ALL adoption costs for a SN kid, get the kid home and immediately launch new fundraisers to cover basic medical costs associated with the SN of the kid you just adopted:
http://www.bringlaurelhome.com/2013/01/lets-help-alexandra-walk/
The lovely Denise and Gary Davis’ newly adopted Bulgarian son Jake (biobrother to little Gennie, who was adopted simultaneously and died mere weeks later) is back in hospital and said to be terminal too, as per the family’s public Facebook page (login and search for nachalaadopt)… and the family is allegedly being investigated Louisiana’s DCFS, according to Bernadine Barber LMSW.
“Please add a prayer for our family..
I wished I could tell everyone what we have went through after our adoption but at this moment I can not. It has been one thing after another and it was just because we had adopted Genny and Jake. BOTH children have CF and are very ill and our little girl Gennie passed from complications of her CF. Honestly we were unaware their present health was this bad and terminal. As a family we have done everything and we are doing everything in our power as their parents. I know our Lord has plans for both of them and our family. But going through what our family is now facing is heart breaking and could have been avoided. Not is not a moment of each day I do not miss little Gennie nor would we would have backed out of their adoption. Just this is so heart breaking for both children and our children.. Again I am asking for your prayers for comfort for our family”
Very sad for the child. I am stunned with her line about being unaware of their health. Did she receive ANY preadoption training whatsoever?
According to the Davis’ blog, they claim to have educated themselves, met with specialists, etc about CF well before they completed their adoption:
http://nachalaadopt.blogspot.com/2012/10/i800-studying-and-more.html
“After some nasty comments on CF I posted early a post on CF to better educate others about CF. Our family has joined a support group for children with CF and this will help educate us and prepare our family to assist the children once they arrive home. I spoke today to several physicians here in Shreveport who will assist in our children’s care and we have been preparing for their upcoming arrival home. The main issues with children with CF is their lungs and their digestive tracks. We have learned that it is very difficult for children to gain weight due to their digestive tracks so we have inquired also on a feeding specialist once the children arrive home to monitor both their diets. As you can tell through the photos of Zack weight gain has been a big problem. His tiny arms are just skin and bones as well as his little legs and feet. Again I ask and pray for everyone to pray for these two small children.. Winters are hard in Eastern Europe and having lung issues makes it even harder for these two.”
http://nachalaadopt.blogspot.com/2012/10/what-is-cystic-fibrosis-please-read.html
“Several thousands of miles away sit two small children. Day after day
their small lives are filled with an illness called Cystic Fibrosis. Each day is filled with illness after illness and day by day each of their
health conditions get worser and worser.
Receiving medical reports saying they both need immediate medical care and there is nothing we can do till we can bring them both home”.
http://nachalaadopt.blogspot.com/2012/02/typing-my-heart-away.html
“Like with Braska and Zach both children also have health issues.
They both have CF Cystic Fibrosis and it is hard for them both to breath and endure alot of pain…
… I also pray we can bring Braska and Zack home before their health gets any worse. “
Well it must not have sunk in. I don’t get her line about “But going through what our family is now facing is heart breaking and could have been avoided” How could it have been avoided?Did she think they would be miraculously healed upon joining their family?How could a person think that severely ill children who never have been treated well would not be at high risk for death and that all of their energy was going to have to be put on helping them?
Rally,
Maybe she’s talking about the DCFS Investigation, which “could have been avoided” if no one had ratted them out?
BTW, are they being investigated for medical neglect? That might explain why they’re going the “I didn’t know nuthin’ about cystic fibrosis” route now.
That would make sense. I have no idea what they are being investigated for.
Ding ding ding! The Davis’ were indeed being investigated for neglect. According to their public Facebook (log into FB, search for nachalaadopt):
“I pray no other family has to go through what our family has been through these last two months and the hours following Gennie’s death. Not all children’s deaths at home are from neglect or abuse. And there needs to be changes in CPS during the death of children. Maybe in the future our local Law Enforcement and CPS makes it a point to think of parents when their children die.
A State Caseworker-Supervisor for Louisiana stated to our family “WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO ADOPT CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS?” As I looked her in the eyes I could not believe she would say this right after our daughter’s death. And this one woman is a supervisor for the State of Louisiana for Child Protective Services. There was no sorrow or compassion from either CPS or our Local Police. We were treated like criminals for 7 hours after Gennie’s death. Before we could explain that these children were adopted each of our children were strip searched by CPS and our home was being searched. At home there are 4 children with special needs and 3 with Chronic Medical Conditions. One child with brain tumors-delayed, another with Autisum-delayed, one with SB and Jake with CF. Needless to say after everything was over with at our Local Police Station we were told to go home, rest and get some dinner. We had been carried to the police station as well as our children and then walked out with no way to get home.
Just how how you feel if you just adopted two children and both children very ill and one dies the other dying and this happens to your family. This is why I have been asking for prayers for 2 months waiting for all the necessary medical to clear our family..”
“Our family would like to thank everyone who has stood beside our family during our daughter Gennie’s death. These last two months and a half have been a nightmare and that our family has went through Hell. I want everyone to know that both our children medical was more involved than what we were told. Within weeks of arrival both Gennie and Jake became ill. Both children had pneumonia and their lungs were badly scarred. At 5:15 AM on April 26th Gennie woke for breakfast and collapsed in front of me and our other children. We called 911 and began CPR till help arrived. Gennie was taken to our local hospital and died. At the hospital I explain we had another child-JAKE in the same condition as Gennie at 6:25 AM. As we arrived at the hospital we were told Gennie had passed from complications of her CF. When we started to walk back to see and hold Gennie we were stopped by CPS and our Local Police for questioning. Neither my husband Gary or I got to hold Gennie or say goodbye. We were detained for 7 hours at our local Police Station with CPS. As Jake laid in another room and we were told he was also dying and that the type of pneumonia they had remained in their systems. Both our children had been cleared by the medical clinic twice in BG prior to departing and no lung issues. As Jake condition worsen in the hospital and was now in critical care we were told Jake was dying. Jake was then moved to another hospital for children and fought for his life.
And to let everyone know the story of their arrival only got worse. For two months our family had to provide all necessary documents showing their arrival and entrance to the US. With their adoption granted in December 2012 and their arrival to the US March 30th CPS looked at the December date thinking the worse and our family has been hounded by CPS for two and a half months. We were also informed by CPS on the day of our daughter’s death we were to inform their condition to the local authorities. I guess they CPS thought our family was at fault for not reporting this. We were told today we were the first family that has ever adopted children in these conditions in the US. And we were told by doctors that this was the worse cases of CF they have ever seen. If these children would have been our birth children we would have been charged with Medical Neglect. But with their medical conditions being in this shape and also these conditions occurred prior to our pickup trip our family was cleared of all wrong doings. There is a lot more I need to highlight after our pickup trip but this I will share on our Adoption Blog in detail. Please I ask everyone adopting to ask for additional medical while in any country. Ask for all medical records and that a full medical exam be performed. During our adoption and during our pick up trip we were told both children were in great health and no lung issues. Again I will post more.. Our family has not done a service for Gennie yet but on July 19th I ask everyone to remember our little girl with a prayer. I want to thank everyone who has prayed for Gennie and Jake and our family during this time. We will miss our little girl Gennie and may her precious little smile be remember by everyone who knew our little Gennie…”
So, am I summarizing the following correctly?They did NOT get a thorough exam of the children in Bulgaria, but they relied on the orphanage paperwork and whatever their agency told them? And then they did NOT get these children immediately checked out upon arrival to the US in March? I am stunned.
How painfully naive can people be?
The entire International Special Needs Adoption movement is based on the argument that these kids do not and even can not receive proper care in their home countries. CF is a major medical condition that needs constant care. How could they possibly believe that the kids didn’t have any lung issues?
I feel the same way. Who was the social worker that approved them and where was this social worker in the weeks after arriving to the US? How could you not recognize that BOTH children were “dying” as she says the hospital told her. The job of the police in a child death situation is not to “think of the parents.” My hope is that they are not approved to adopt again.
The mind reels. I don’t get how the Davis’ claim to have researched CF, interviewed specialists BEFORE the new kids got home and then failed to obtain medical care for the kids that DENISE HERSELF describes as painfully thin, ill-looking and not receiving anything approaching adequate care in their Bulgarian orphanage. How is this NOT medical neglect?? How do you MISS seeing a kid has pneumonia in a kid with CF???
What makes this even worse is that they are not FIRST TIME adoptive parents of special needs kids! According to their blog, they adopted Michaela (brain tumors) and Patrick (autism) from Ukraine 10+ years ago and little Chrissie (Spina Bifida) from Bulgaria 2 year ago.
I know other APs who took their medically-fragile kids straight to the hospital from the airport. So why didn’t the Davises? It’s not like they hadn’t been guilt-tripping prospective donors for months about how important it was to “ransom” Gennie and Jake ASAP because they could die while waiting to get to U.S.
If ANY doctor had examined the two children between their 3/30/13 arrival and Gennie’s death on 4/26/13, Denise doesn’t mention it in her account of events. Though if they had proof the kids were actively under an (incompetent) doctor’s care, that MIGHT account for CPS clearing them of all “wrong doings”.
Of course, the possibility of another IA cover-up like Max Shatto’s can’t be completely ruled out. If so, I hope the adoption apologists responsible are bright enough to never let the Davises adopt again, to prevent the risk of needing a second cover-up.
Little Gennie and Jake (his case is reportedly terminal, but he hasn’t yet died) Davis deserve their own blog post.
Ideally a post listing ALL the very straightforward things that SHOULD have prevented this tragedy from happening at all.
Denise has (recently) blogged about her desire to adopt MORE special needs kids, in “honor” of deceased little Gennie!!
This family has been mentioned on here before, for the way they treated their recently adopted son – punishing him by hitting him, if I remember correctly. This is yet another blog post where the Mom denigrates her new son, and compares him unfavourably to her other, deceased adopted son:
http://followingclosely.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/nothing-at-all.html#comment-form
As you can see from this post and others, the deceased son is effectively martyred in their eyes and their latest adopted son doesn’t have a cat in hell’s chance of living up to his memory.
It’s bad enough when children are subject to favouritism, but it’s really bad when one child actually has more problems than the other, and even worse when the favoured child happens to be deceased, as the grief (understandably) sends the family into a tailspin.
But what seriously boils my blood is THAT THIS FAMILY WERE ALLOWED TO GO AND ADOPT ANOTHER CHILD MERE MONTHS AFTER THE DEATH OF THEIR FIRST ADOPTED SON.
Whoever gave the adoption the go-ahead in those circumstances seriously needs their head examined. Unethical in the extreme and most likely a disaster waiting to happen.
I did not gather by this blog that the author was comparing one child unfavourably with another at all. The author was just listing various topics that did not go well that day for her. Don’t read into what someone doesn’t say.
Also, why shouldn’t that family be able to adopt another child? Would it be better for the child to rot in a Ukraine orphanage or live in America in a middle class family who is doing everything they can to provide what this child needs?
Never ever on that blog does it say that anyone slapped anyone. I have followed the blog for 2 years now and this family never slaps their adoptive children.
Why so judgmental and critical, “Wombat”?
Because immediately turning around and getting a replacement Ukrainian orphan, without allowing you or your kids time to grieve is a bad idea?
That comparing the new kid to the dead kid is disrespectful and just plain cruel, particularly when the comparison is unfavorable?
That claiming your newly adopted, not-yet-fluent-in-English kid has RAD because he doesn’t follow instructions you KNOW he doesn’t understand is a bad idea?? That saying you’ve read 15 books on RAD and posting a lit of “symptoms” that curiously doesn’t match the ones listed in the DSM or by the Mayo clinic is irresponsible?
http://followingclosely.blogspot.com/2013/02/rad.html
from this Amommy’s list (my comments are in brackets):
“- Frequently asking for help doing tasks they clearly have the ability to perform themselves (Gee, I wonder if a kid from an impoverished orphanage doesn’t know how to use the dishwasher because he’s never seen one? Or encountered rollerblades, a kiteboard,an Xbox or any of a thousand quotidian objects a middle class American kid is familiar with? Maybe he genuinely doesn’t know what to do with dishwasher because he’s never seen one before??)
– Inappropriately childish in mannerisms, behavior or voice inflection, “baby talk” (Gee, I wonder if a kid WHO IS JUST LEARNING ENGLISH AT AGE 10 may have grammatically incorrect “babytalk” as he LEARNS a new LANGUAGE?? Perhaps this is a normal developmental stage for a kid learning a new language vs. a symptom of RAD?)
– Seemingly disinterested with the rest of the family
– Prefers to play alone or watch television (because he can’t be an introvert? being in an introverted adopted kid = RAD, always?? Really??)”
Doesn’t line up with the Mayo Clinic’s diagnostic criteria
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/reactive-attachment-disorder/DS00988/DSECTION=symptoms
“Name”,
What’s this “you this and you that” crap? I never said he did or didn’t have rad. I just didn’t think it was fair to read behind the lines of what the author didn’t say in the blog or jump to any conclusion that they should never adopt again because they have a deceased child.
But speaking of disrespect in your second paragraph, how about you not call their late child a “dead kid?” Have a little respect for the deceased for crying out loud and his family.
Truly, I cannot find the entries I thought I had read on corporal punishment regarding this family, so I duly retract that statement.
Regarding unfavourable treatment, there is still plenty on the blog that raises an eyebrow or two; an entry from a couple of months ago going into excruciating detail about the newest child’s bedwetting came across as particularly harsh, and careless with the child’s privacy and feelings, for example.
With regards to the family adopting again, I never wrote that they should *never* adopt again, but so soon after the death of a child is seriously unwise. Grief is something that needs time to work through, as it stirs up plenty of strong, unpleasant emotions, and it is seriously unwise to take on another child so soon after losing one for the following reasons:
It’s not uncommon for a ‘new’ child (whether through birth or adoption, etc.) in such a situation to come to be perceived unconsciously or otherwise as a replacement of sorts for the deceased child. When the new child fails to live up to the legacy of the deceased child, this will bring up feelings of disappointment and frustration for other family members, and have a pretty horrible impact on the new child.
There’s also the question of how well a grieving family can take on and respond to the needs of another child, and bond with them successfully. Especially one that will have institutional behaviours, trauma, and other issues to cope with. There are entries on the blog about RAD and other unrelated behavioural programs, suggesting that this hasn’t been a smooth ride, but it is difficult to tell where or with whom these issues lie. Obviously I don’t know the family, but I do know that grieving takes up a lot of time and energy and emotion, and seriously messes with your head for a while. This is grief counselor 101 stuff here.
All in all, the woman writing the blog comes across as somewhat ‘off’ and at times really struggling with her new son, and understandably still reeling from the death of her other son.
Sorry for writing a whole essay about it, but my point is that this family really should have been screened out for at least a year or so from adopting, and simply given time to heal before taking on such a huge, emotional task as another needy child with added issues. I do hope they’ll work through their problems and come together. My main point (which I capitalized) is that someone somewhere had the authority and responsibility to make such a thing happen, but chose not to. It’s a risky situation.
Wombat,
I’m not sure I see a problem with saying things about bedwetting. People wanting to adopt need to see the real thing and not just the beautiful child in the happy pictures.
But what you said about it being a trauma, abused child struggling to servive is exactly why I think that there should be better screening of the children listed as adoptable in foreign countries. Adoption of any foreign child is a risky situation.
It’s a fine balance between being ‘real’ and maintaining the dignity and privacy of the children you write about. The child in question is 11, so he and his peers are nearly old enough to use the internet and could well come across that entry, which would be mortifying.
On a side note, I’d be interested to know how many mom bloggers actually ask for their kid’s consent for what they post about them. I enjoy reading blogs, but I am regularly shocked at how indiscreet and lax many bloggers are with their own and their family members’ privacy.
A compromise would be to make posts like that (if they have to be written at all) private, so that only those who request can gain access to them, rather than leaving them open for the world to see.
And yes, better screening/information about adoptable children is needed, but so is screening of families too. What I meant by ‘risky situation’ in that context was that allowing a recently bereaved family to adopt so soon after losing their son was poor practice on the part of the agency/facilitator.
You weren’t wrong about the corporal punishment. She deleted the entries relating to it, but I read them too.
So the APs deleted the references which were embarrassing to THEM, but see no problem with leaving posts which are embarrassing to their son up for all to see.
As a side note to wombat– I’m guessing that there are lots of 11 year olds who are already surfing the net. Upon Googling the question “At what age should kids be allowed internet access?”, I discovered a few sites recommending that parents supervise their children’s until age 10. I feel confident that many kids are flying solo so at even earlier ages. Some parents may be using web-filtering software, but I don’t know that this software would restrict access to Christian adoption blogs.
Their corporal punishment post has been removed, but parts of it are quoted in a comment I’d left on a Blog Gag me a few months back:
“My husband and I definitely believe in spanking. We both grew up being spanked and our parents grew up being spanked and we all lived to tell of it. None of us are traumatized or feel we are victims of abuse. We are hard-working, God-fearing adults who can discern absolute right from absolute wrong…
… For our children, (spanking) began around 6-9 months of age. That is when we knew our girls understood our voice and were smart enough to defy us… Around 6 months of age she was on the move and she got into EVERYTHING! Her favorite activity was knocking all the CDs and videos off of my shelf… Her behavior was not something I wanted her to do in our home or anyone else’s home”.
http://followingclosely.blogspot.com/2013/02/q-1.html
She adopted 11 yr old Brandon from Ukraine, who died following an accident all of 8 months later in 2012. In September 2012 (just a few months after Brandon’s death), her family returned to Ukraine to adopt 11 yr old Andrew.
http://followingclosely.blogspot.com/2012/12/christmas-letter-2012.html
All of FIVE months later, amommy is convinced Andrew has RAD – despite the fact that “(Andrew’s) language barrier makes many of these things (following directions someone gives you in English) more difficult”. A family that BEATS TINY BABIES – is proud of beating tiny biobabies!! – is punishing a kid they KNOW isn’t yet fluent in English for NOT FOLLOWING instructions he’s unable to understand (!!!!):
http://followingclosely.blogspot.com/2013/02/rad.html
This is a tragedy waiting to happen. Who let this family adopt so soon after the first kid died? Who did the homestudy? Given their attitude on corporal punishment, who the HELL let them pass TWO homestudies??
Here’s where I’d left the original comments:
https://reformtalk.net/2013/03/08/blog-gag-me-5/
Hi there,
This is CK the author of Following Closely. A friend recently let me know about your website here.
I really find it disappointing that you guys are all talking about me behind my back. If you are indeed child welfare advocates you would clearly see it was in Andrew’s best interest to come to America when he did.
He was severely malnourished, being abused in many different areas at the orphanage he was in and very dehydrated. Not even to mention that he had an abscessed tooth that was very infected and spread throughout his body and had to stay on antibiotics for a month. It was quite serious. Had our family “been screened” for a whole year after our dear Brandon’s death, Andrew may very well have died over in Ukraine.
We do not ever claim to do anything perfect in our family, but we have given Andrew top notch care. We have placed him in the best school in the country to get the help he needs. We have spent thousands of dollars taking him to specialists to get his health and behavior turned around.
I apologize if some of my posts seem “off” to you, but it has been one rollercoaster ride and you need to read the blog as a whole and not just the posts that are a bit “off.”
God does not call us to have a simple life, or a happy life all of the time. But He does call us to be obedient. God called us to adopt Andrew so soon after Brandon’s death. If I had to do it all over again, I would not change a thing. We know God is going to do an amazing work in Andrew’s life and I hope you follow the blog and see that unfold!
Take care.
CK – Two words: PASSWORD PROTECT.
My heart goes out to Andrew, as it’s got to be very embarrassing to have your forever mommy tell everyone in the universe about your bedwetting problem. He’s old enough to google himself and read about (as are his friends, teachers, world at large).
Name,
Thank you for your concern. Trust me. He is not embarrassed in the least about his bed wetting. He tells everyone at school he pees and many other things that would embarrass normal children. His other behavior that I do not write about on the blog is very evident if you know him in person. Again, he does not get embarrassed, nor should he be embarrassed for how God made him. His peers love him for who he is and so do we.
CK,
Re: “… If you are indeed child welfare advocates you would clearly see it was in Andrew’s best interest to come to America when he did…”
And it’s entirely possible that SOMEONE ELSE would have adopted him– someone who wasn’t already reeling from a massive family trauma. Indeed, if it weren’t for high-fee international adoptions skewing things, he might have been adopted DOMESTICALLY, and wouldn’t have to cope with trying to learn a new language on top of all his other problems.
If he’s the victim of multiple forms of abuse, he has all the more need for a family who can provide for his nurturing and healing WITHOUT simultaneously struggling to deal with their own grief for a dead child. He needs more attention and patience than the average child, why is he being called upon to make do with less?
You have the drive and organizational ability to put through an international adoption. Why not use that ability to set up a charity to bring dental care, counseling and other necessities to kids in their home countries? Why not fund trusts to cover special needs incidentals for kids adopted domestically?
BTW, no matter how well corporal punishment works with your biokids, research indicates that it’s VERY bad for children adopted from an institutional environment, even without the confounding effect of being abused. Please stop using it with Andrew.
http://news.yale.edu/2011/12/05/orphan-experiences-lead-changes-children-s-genome-functioning
Also, you should IMMEDIATELY delete from your blog anything that YOU wouldn’t have wanted your classmates to know about you when you were 11 years old.
A selection of comments from American PAPs who are selfish enough to NOT want their ex-Russian referrals to be adopted by anybody else (e.g. return to Russian biofamily, be adopted domestically in Russia, be adopted by a citizen of some other country, etc), taken from the public “300 Broken Promises” Facebook page:
“Mercedes Arrieche Yesterday, we received the bad news that our daughter was given in adoption to a Canadian families. Russian officials don’t have any moral they play with our feelings. The worst things they took every thing from us.”
Mercedes clearly prefers said child rot in an orphanage, rather than find a loving home that isn’t hers!!
“Joy Oliver It seems that the Russians are retaliating against an action that the US government did and are callously punishing innocent families who have invested financially and emotionally in the lives of the children they were to adopt. To find out that the Russians had placed my child with a Canadian family is a slap in the face.”
Joy never adopted the kid – so he is not and was NEVER her child. It’s appalling she would prefer her kid be in an orphanage than in a loving family that isn’t HER loving family.
“Jennifer Caister My stomach turns reading this. I will continue to pray for these children and the US families who wait and wonder. I am committed to staying active wherever possible to work on behalf of the “stuck”.
A kid returned to their biofamily (yay!) or adopted domestically (also yay!) is NOT a kid who is stuck.
Those children were never “theirs”. I just updated our Dima law post with the latest news that there will be no more US adoptions from Russia as the Russian Child Ombudsman has told the US in his visit this week and almost HALF of the supposed 250 referred children have been either placed domestically or returned to bio parents. I don’t know if these Canadian referrals are part of that half placed or in addition to it.
Here’s a few more:
“Melissa Tonkinson This is a horrendous move. I have been in three orphanages in Russia, they do with what they have I won’t bad mouth the people who do their best to provide but what now the provisions they have are from American adopting. On my last adoption and adoptive parents child was so ill in the orphanage she passed in the hotel in Moscow. We saw the conditions and talked to parents who were not allowed to visit the orphanages because conditions were so bad. Children are not political pawns and the Russian people are not happy about this. Less money for Arbatt street and the 14 day stay in Moscow on the third trip. I see a drop in tourism so to speak. Could it be Putin wanting to limit exposure to the Americans to hold his people down and keep control?”
Kids getting families is happy ending… even if the families are not American!!
“Katie Madison Rebecca Johnson, I would assume you’re not implying that “a lot of kids” with DS & other special needs are being adopted within Russia… because that’s false to the point of being comical. Making an unsubstantiated statement like that lends underserved credit to Astakov’s assinine claims (the only type he’s made thus far amidst this ban tragedy), and it calls into question your motive for doing so. A claim that half the children previously pursured by Americans have been placed or adopted is political BS just like the rest of this ban nonsense. This is a death sentence for MANY of the Russian orphans with special needs (as was sadly the case for “Dayna” previously listed on RR). Period. Case in point: In Moscow (a city of 10 million+), we were the FIRST to adopt a child with DS; this was only 7 months ago. Our judge thought we were insane; how could she not? She’s a product of her environment– it’s almost completely unheard of for Russians to care for their own children with special needs let alone adopt one. Trying to say otherwise is outlandish.”
It was NOT a death sentense for RR’s Dayna. The Burrows family that wanted to adopt her had not even REGISTERED their dossier in Russia. They had not been matched.
“Melissa Tonkinson This is a horrendous move. I have been in three orphanages in Russia, they do with what they have I won’t bad mouth the people who do their best to provide but what now the provisions they have are from American adopting. On my last adoption and adoptive parents child was so ill in the orphanage she passed in the hotel in Moscow. We saw the conditions and talked to parents who were not allowed to visit the orphanages because conditions were so bad. Children are not political pawns and the Russian people are not happy about this. Less money for Arbatt street and the 14 day stay in Moscow on the third trip. I see a drop in tourism so to speak. Could it be Putin wanting to limit exposure to the Americans to hold his people down and keep control?”
Astrid,
Though it is possible he could have been adopted by his native country, it’s highly unlikely since he had been in the orphanage at least 8 years and no one ever visited him or even expressed interest in him. His American doctor stressed that it was a very good thing that we adopted him when he did because his dehydration and malnutrician were critical. He also had an abcess on his tooth that he needed heavy antibiotics for that he would not have received in Ukraine. He had never seen a dentist in all of his life. The dentist said the infection was so bad, he could have died if he did not get proper care when he did.
Thank you for the recommendation to remove anything that I would not like placed on the website when I was 11 years old. I will take your advice and go through the blog and remove anything that might embarrass him.
In the meantime, I’d appreciate it if you would remove anything you wrote regarding Brandon in frevious postings. My 11yo daughter googled his first and last name an your name came up as accusing our family as killing him. She was very upset by your comments. You do not know our family. Our family was investigated quite thoroughly and watched very closely for a long time regarding his death. We were never charged with anything and we have 2 eyewitnesses who saw Brandon’s accident. The autopsy examiner also ruled it was accidental. It is extrememely painful to endure such a death, but to have people such as yourself posting strong suggestions that we would do harm to our son, is devastating. How would you like someone to do that to you or your family?
And for the record, we NEVER, EVER spanked our adopted son Brandon. We know that it is not recommended for abused children and children from traumatic backgrounds. Just because we discipline our bio-daughters (which is legal in our state) in one way does NOT mean we do the same with our adoptive sons. I never ever wrote anything about spanking our sons on the blog. Go back and read the copy and pasted version of the person in the comment above.
As far as organizing and funding the orphan care Internationally, I’m glad you mentioned that because we are involved in the building of an orphanage in Togo, West Africa. We hope to visit there one day along with our children. We need to get Andrew to a healthy place before we can take him abroad. We are also planning to head to Ukraine for some summer camps in perhaps 2014. It is important to us that Andrew be able to go back to his homeland. We contribute to the needs of orphanages over there with bedding, athletic equipment and slippers for the children. We have also been involved with orphanages in Domican Republic where we took groceries and cleaning supplies to them. A lot of the diseased children cannot get well without cleaning supplies such as bleach or even new sheets.
Take Care.
As part of “getting him healthy” have you had Andrew evaluated for Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders? A lot of what you describe with him fit symptoms of FASDs.