FacePalm Friday
Welcome to this week’s edition of FacePalm Friday.
This is where your hosts will list their top picks for this week’s FacePalm moment—something they learned or read about this week that caused the FacePalm to happen (you know, the expression of embarrassment, frustration, disbelief, shock, disgust or mixed humor as depicted in our Rally FacePalm smiley).
We invite you to add your FacePalm of the week to our comments. Go ahead and add a link, tell a personal story, or share something that triggered the FacePalm on the subject of child welfare or adoption.
Your Host’s Selections:
(1) Worthless rant on Ethiopia
“Children need permanent families more than they need to remain in their culture in an orphanage or foster/kinship care. ”
“But until Ethiopia can demonstrate that it can actually provide domestic permanent families for its children, it should be sanctioned for violating children’s human rights and aid organizations like UNICEF and Save The Children should have their funding cut for promoting these backwards policies.” Sanctioned? 
Ah yes …the permanent family.
She mentions Ethiostork. We did a blogpost about them: https://reformtalk.net/2012/12/13/ethiostork/. I would suggest perusing it before you give a 
shout-out to the people of Ethiostork.
And then, she mentions “You can also become part of the movement and join with other adoptive parents” which connects you to Both Ends Burning 
and “to positively reform international adoption so that more children can be placed in permanent families” to Chiff (http://childreninfamiliesfirst.org/ ) 
(2) Child Listed on Yard Sale site
This one received numerous reactions to it.
http://www.kfvs12.com/story/24440244/child-listed-on-yard-sale-site
“A woman posted that she decided to put her son up for adoption. We found the post on a number of different yard sale pages throughout the Heartland.
Law enforcement said it is legal as long as the parent doesn’t make any money from giving up their child. They would need to go to a courthouse and make sure everything was done properly, but there’s nothing prohibiting it.”
“”If you don’t want your kid, there’s proper ways to get rid of your child,” Rudisill said. “You can give them to the right people. You don’t put it on a yard sale site and you shouldn’t even do it as a scam on a yard sale site because there are people that want kids that would love to go on there and get a child like that the wrong way but that’s maybe the only way they can get them. So it’s sad.”” 
(3) Fraud Revealed
http://theadoptioncafe.com/2014/01/13/fraud-revealed/
Lifeline. A truly eye-opening piece. 
PAPs who adopt a kid knowing they’re going to disrupt her almost immediately (because they “nobly” didn’t want to leave her in a grim Chinese orphanage — they figured they could re-home so she’d have a shot at US life) and is SHOCKED just SHOCKED that China will never ever let them adopt again because of the vile and irresponsible way in which they dumped Linzi!
“It has been super tough. I knew immediately that Linzi had more going on than what we were told. I knew that we were not going to be able to do as much as she would need to become the person she deserves to be. But I knew leaving her in China would not be any help to her. We couldn’t help but love her…she is so cute and cuddly at times. She usually always has a smile on her face. Our agency told us that they would be behind us 110% in what ever we chose to do. They kept telling us to give it time. And yes, we could see some progress, but in the mean time our family was slowly breaking apart. You can’t give 110% to one child when you have 5 other children. It just doesn’t work. ”
Maybe adopting yet another kid when you’ve got your hands full with FIVE is a REALLY BAD IDEA?!??
“Long story…I am sorry. We told our agency about my cancer and our daughter in respite and China told them a resounding NO they can not adopt from China again. There is a good chance if I had decided to leave her in China that we could have come home and applied for another child. I could not have lived with myself thinking about her not getting the help she needs. We are hopeful that she may eventually catch up. Our friends are going to adopt her. ”
http://porknbeansinchina.blogspot.com/search?q=Respite&max-results=20&by-date=true&m=0
Even worse, amommy truly believes she SAVED Linzi from a horrible fate
“Well, it wasn’t what we wanted to hear. I almost knew it was coming. China says that because we have Linzi in respite care that we will never be allowed to adopt from China again. It makes me so angry. At the same time they are allowing families to bring home three and four children at a time! So why can’t we bring home one more? Just because we didn’t leave Linzi in China? No instead we brought her to the USA to find the help she so desperately needed! I can only imagine what would have happened to her if I
had left her there. The orphanages usually put the kids out of the orphanage when they turn 18, 21 or sometimes even 16. If they are lucky they will teach them a trade while they are in the orphanage so they
may be able to find a job on the outside. Most are given the clothes on their back, a little money and a “Good Luck.” as they head out the door. Their names are associated with being an orphan so many times they can’t or will not get a job because of the stigma of being an orphan. How sad! “
Carlee,
But the amommy of ‘Raising Sunflowers’ isn’t giving up hope! “…We adopted Kendalan from a disruption/dissolution of her adoption. So who knows? Maybe someone will bring home a child from China that is not fitting into their family. (It happens all the time!) And if we are lucky that child will join our family!…”
Yes, let’s hope for another family to reject a kid for “not fitting in” so we can get yet another of the Chinese girls we’re collecting for our “set”! (Why only China? Maybe there’s some positive reason, like the APs learned one or more of the languages and cultures of China, but it seems a little creepy, especially since their blogroll includes other families with all Chinese female adoptees.)
A facepalm isn’t enough. That one’s a headdesk.
The KFVS yard sale ad facepalm, why interview some random mother who has absolutely no qualifications to opine on the subject?
The reporter did get a reply from the person behind the yard sale ad and it was the usual Camaroon scam asking him to contact a reverend running an orphanage. He posted it on this FB page.
The story angle was to measure viewer moral outrage, the interview an outraged viewer and get people to tune in. Which is pretty typical for this news station.
Guess who’s adopting again? The Pattersons from All Are Precious are planning to adopt 2 children within the next year – an infant and a teenager, both with DS.
http://www.allarepreciousinhissight.com/2013/12/4-feet-in-2014.html
Also, they’d appreciate it if you could please fund their adoption of the teenager from China by March of this year.
You know, I wish these parents who can’t afford to adopt would stop trying to guilt-trip people with no more money than themselves into covering their child collecting costs, and just beg the Koch brothers to give them enough money to do this. Heaven knows the Koch brothers have plenty of money to splash around, so why not ask them for aid, rather than bugging people who are struggling to make ends meet?
Hah! Good idea.
I’m just shocked that the Pattersons’ plan of charging people to come stay in their barn and pay them to help take care of their kids didn’t make them enough money to finance two simultaneous adoptions.
In regards to the first face palm, I kind of know that blogger – she’s in the Congo adoptive parent facebook group – she’s very pro-CHIFF. There was a lot of talk earlier this week about the woman in your linked article about Ethiostork. I guess she now works in Congo adoptions. PAPs and APs were fighting over whether or not she was ethical – most believing that she was, and when one person related their story of being ripped off by Zenaye and suing her, you can imagine that no one believed it.
Also in regards to that first blogger, this is her view on adoption and trafficking:
“But I must take issue with calling irregular adoptions “trafficking.” Even in rare instances of fraud, adoption is never “trafficking.” The legal definition of trafficking is to exploit humans. Children are adopted in order to be loved, not to be child laborers or prostitutes. In fact, the best way to prevent the trafficking of unparented children is adoption, and international adoption is often the only type of adoption available”
c,
Re: “…The legal definition of trafficking is to exploit humans…”
Adoption agencies make megabucks off the grief of bereaved birthfamilies and the traumatization of kidnapped children: Don’t apologists for ICA realize that’s exploitation by definition? How much PAPs want to “love on” children they’ve purchased is immaterial.
BTW, is it just me, or is there something creepy about adults who talk about how rewarding it is to “love on” kids? Even if it’s not sexual, this seems to be using children to gratify adult emotional needs.
The strength of the angst APs feel when the receive a child who refuses to be “loved on” indicates that this isn’t an incidental desire. Diagnosing these kids as having RAD and disrupting the adoption– or sending them off for abusive “therapy”– makes it clear that PAPs view receiving compliant cuddlers as the sine qua non of adoption.
Nooooo! It’s another teen boy for Nicole! (Or is it? Bets on whether he’ll call it off too?)
http://andthisonematters.blogspot.de/2014/01/blessings-in-brokeness.html
Reece’s Rainbow family the Greesons are adopting again — they purchased a little Russian girl with DS in 2012 (and ran into some issues because they didn’t have enough income and somehow failed to mention they live on a farm with LIVESTOCK) called Mila.
Tina’s decided to adopt a severely neglected boy with DS as a playmate for her son. Because that’s a good reason to adopt another kid – NOT:
“My son has begged and begged for a brother. I have always been so stand offish towards this, Ds- wise, for no other reason than I am just comfortable with girls with Ds . That’s all I know. Well, this one came out of nowhere and stole all our hearts. He has so much potential. He is so smart. He is so tender and loving.
Here is a quick clip of him..This clip did me in!!!”
And also hoping to simultaneously bring adopt an older girl with DS too:
http://gatheringoursunshine.blogspot.com/2013/10/2008-i-had-3-children.html
They fundraised 100% of their first adoption too:
http://greesonadoption.blogspot.com
Seriously. Social workers NEED to stop approving idiots like this!!
Mary McBride, who adopted 2 Ethiopians and now decries the nasty adoption corruption that didn’t stop her from going back for little E, is a homeschooler (heaven for bit little Z get up every weekday morning, be exposed to peers, etc) and has some reeeeeeally interesting justifications for why her whip smart almost-7 year old, home 3+ years, doesn’t know the letters of the alphabet:
“At least twice a week I have to explain that Zinashi knows all the letter sounds, but can’t remember the names of the letters every time*. Sometimes people are gracious and say, “Well of course, that is a lot to remember!” Other times they look at me as if I am incompetent, especially if Z* has mentioned she is homeschooled. Sometimes I say, “She has only been speaking English for three years; it’s a lot to catch up on, and she is doing an amazing job! Isn’t she amazing?” Sometimes I tell them about our reading instruction book, how it emphasizes sounds, not letters, and that the sounds are more important to us right now since she really wants to get better at reading. And sometimes I say nothing at all, just let them sit in judgment”
A 6 year old, any six year old, should know the letters of the alphabet. Period. The reason folks are judging is because it is WRONG. It’s a huge disservice to a clearly SMART and capable kid.
(I’m also personally acquainted with at least 2 kids with pretty significant cognitive disabilities due to being micropreemies who are 6 & 8 years old and know the names of all English letters at all times. Neither kid is reading quite yet, but they 100% know the alphabet).
“It’s this balancing act I engage in daily, on so many subjects I couldn’t even list them all. I want Z* to feel confident about what she knows, to understand that her hard work has resulted in amazing strides forward in everything. I will not let others make her feel like she does not know enough. At the same time, if words are spoken out of her earshot, sometimes I just let it go. Some people don’t want to understand; they’d rather judge. I have to let go of trying to educate those people; they do not want to be in my class.”
Mary, honey? Your kid clear does NOT know enough. Kids generally gain self-esteem by mastering stuff. They become confident as they learn. Z is, well, not mastering stuff so encouraging her to be confident in NOT KNOWING stuff is just plain wrong.
“There is so much that Z* did not know when she came here. Three years is not long to teach it all, especially with a language barrier. But even more so, the cultural differences coupled with her sensitive heart have made some things more challenging to introduce. Like slavery, Jim Crow, and pervasive racism in America. I mean, where do I even start? I started with a book about Abraham Lincoln, that she chose herself. We have working backwards (“But how did they get slaves here, Mami?”) and forward from there. I have been slowly explaining it to her, answering all her questions, trying to help her make sense of something that really doesn’t make sense. There is a lot she doesn’t know yet.”
Three years is a LONG time. Attempting to hide the fact that pervasive racism does, in fact, exist, and giving age-appropriate background info on MLK Jr. and slavery and BASIC FACTS about our country that the kid is likely already encountering seems wrong. And I’d imagine ends up being WAY more traumatic in the long run, since, well “mommy lied” would be my reaction. Such a disservice to SUCH smart kid.
Mary has promised to write a post about adoption ethics in the wake of last night’s 48 Hours episode… I can’t wait! Her hypocrisy never ceases to amaze me.
http://www.findingmagnolia.com/2014/01/explanations.html
She needs to get Z some dyslexia screening. It sounds like she is dyslexic.
The snark is unaffected and I am happy.
Even scarier, Mary’s Facebook friends are PRAISING her for her SUCCESS in homeschooling a kid who doesn’t know her letters at almost 7. Not recommending testing for learning disorders, which is what any sane / halfway competent parent would suggest. See for yourself at facebook.com/findingmagnolia post called “finding magnolia: explanations:
Jessica James: “I’m inspired by your (mary’s) integrity and love. And I’m sorry that you and your beautiful, super smart and sensitive girl (Z) encounter this ignorance. You handle these situations with such grace. Love.”
Tanya Bullock: “I love it. And your last comment was the best. Why do some people seem to think all children should be at the same level. You have 2 amazing children (Z and E) who will excel in life at their own pace.”
*head hits desk* repeatedly*
Name,
In complete fairness to Mary McBride, there ARE reading programs that focus on teaching kids to say the letter sound before they teach the letter names.
The real question is: “Can Zinashi use this letter sound knowledge she purportedly has to actually READ?” If she can, the blog entry doesn’t mention it. And if she can’t… consulting a reading specialist about possible dyslexia is the way to go.
New research in dyslexia has shown that kids who get the appropriate educational therapy early enough can learn to read fluently anyway, but waiting too late to start can prevent this happy outcome.
It should be noted, though, that I’ve read SN adoption bloggers bragging on how “smart” their severely-delayed child with Down syndrome is, so it may be a bad idea to make assumptions about Zinashi’s developmental status just because her amommy and friends describe her as “smart”.
Z should absolutely, positively be able to identify all the letters of the English alphabet, regardless of what educational method Mary is using to teach her. She’s nearly 7!!
The kid NEEDS screening for learning disabilities. There is very likely a reason WHY she’s unable to identify all letters.
(An almost-7 year old with a mild/moderate cognitive disability, like DS, should also know the alphabet by almost-7).
Name,
Re: “…The kid NEEDS screening for learning disabilities. There is very likely a reason WHY she’s unable to identify all letters…”
Agree 100%. Also an eye exam by a pediatric ophthalmologist, and a hearing assessment by a pediatric audiologist.
Lifeline was party to the last situation? I’m shocked. They purport to be very ethical.
I’m not shocked!
The New York Times posted a heartbreaking short documentary about generational poverty featuring a pregnant girl in rural MO.
I’m totally disgusted at a TON of comments, which are along the lines of “Mary’s”:
“DOPTION ADOPTION ADOPTION ADOPTION!
PLEASE SOMEONE FROM NYT contact me! I am helping families in Missouri who desire to adopt!
ADOPTION ADOPTION ADOPTION ADOPTION”
It takes an especially HORRIBLE person to write those sort of comments about a young woman who clearly WANTS to keep her baby.
Noted child collector Denise Davis has a strange notion of what protecting child privacy means. She’s posted several YouTube videos of children from Chinese orphanages being prodded by their carers to sing, dance, and spin around for potential customers, and says once she gets official approval she’ll reveal which little girl she’s interested in.
http://babybumblebeeadoption.blogspot.com/2013/12/my-christmas-post.html
Oh, and do you remember that Gennie Davis had a brother named Jake who also had CF, and was adopted by the Davises at the same time? Well, as Denise explains:
“…Due to Jake’s medical needs we had many delays in our adoption of our little girl. With Jake’s present needs we have had a lot of doctors appointments and major decisions to make. So hard to go in detail without crying so we decided at this moment to leave Jake’s health in our Lord’s hands. After the death of his little sister Gennie our hearts are still healing. Yet our hearts are praying for another little girl to love and cherish…”
http://babybumblebeeadoption.blogspot.com/2014/01/update-and-jakes-medical.html
It’s probably mean to translate this as “Caring for this medically-fragile child which we’ve already adopted is interfering with pursuing our latest adoption, so we’ve decided to move to hospice care for him in order to focus on adopting the replacement for his sister.” Mean, but I suspect there’s a grain of truth in it.