Abusive Parenting in Adoptive Homes
Reducing Adoptive Parenting Difficulties That Lead to Abuse
In theory, adoption is supposed to bring children into families so their lives can improved–not so they can be abused and mistreated. Adoptive parents have a responsibility, not a right to their child, and that includes not harming them.
In the coming months, REFORM talk hopes to shed more light on this little-discussed if not taboo subject.
On November 17, 2010, Dr Phil featured a segment entitled “Mommy Confessions” on his show: http://drphil.com/slideshows/slideshow/6062/?id=6062&showID=1545 . (The transcript and excerpts are available online). This show featured Jessica, a mother of six children including an adopted 7-year-old boy, Kristoff, and his twin. Her discipline techniques of cold showers and hot sauce on the tongue, derived from a friend and her husband’s military training, and overall parenting skills were on full display. Since the Dr. Phil show is a top-rated daytime show, whether you like it or not, Dr. Phil was able to frame this segment for the adoption community and all other viewers.
The entire show was absolutely repulsive and enraging. We were and still are alarmed and horrified at the abuse of this little boy. We are also concerned by the lack of unified outcry in the adoption community about this kind of (or indeed any) abuse. Why is there seemingly more concern about abuse in biological families or in orphanages, but not in adoptive homes?
Given the lack of preparation most adoptive parents are given; lack of honest, detailed medical and social history provided for children being placed; lack of adequate screening of the suitability of prospective adoptive parents (also known as homestudy rubberstamping); and lack of resources available post-adoption, we believe adoptive children are too often at risk of abuse once placed in adoptive families. We understand that this is counter to current thinking in child welfare, but Dr. Phil’s show is just one glaring example of how all of these areas need to be improved for the safety and welfare of all children.
Paramount is that the child’s needs be the focus. We cannot say whether the child featured on this segment has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) as implied towards the end of the transcript. We are not saying that this child doesn’t have any issues, but we are concerned about parents getting solid, effective help and resources and not find themselves spiraling downward into a discipline routine that escalates into outright torture.
Two possible child issues mentioned in this segment:
Attachment
If Kristoff has RAD or (more likely) other attachment issues, there is no way this kind of torture-infused parenting will ever help him bond to his adoptive mother. Who would want to attach to someone who behaves like a monster?! Read this Pediatrics article about psychological maltreatment in children http://tinyurl.com/5tsfxor [The Psychological Maltreatment of Children Technical Report Pediatrics Vol. 109 No.4 April 2002 pp.e68]
Not only that, but being a witness to continual torture will certainly create mental anguish if not other problems in Kristoff’s twin and other children in the household.
Parents must take the time and energy to understand at least the very basic risks of what a traumatic past and institutionalization can do to a child. Read this article for some background http://tinyurl.com/66hmoe7 [Post Adoption Learning Center Inc. 11/7/05 by Boris Gindis] Accepting the reality of a traumatized child’s fears is imperative. This is not something that you are going to fully prepare for by reading a book or talking to your friends–but only by being patient, open-minded, and getting proper training and working with a competent, trauma counselor and perhaps other professionals to assist the child.
No matter what behaviors that your child is exhibiting–Be the parent that the child would want to attach to and form a bond with–even when the child may be incapable of forming a strong bond with you. Abuse techniques impact not only the child, but other family members as well.
School
The videotaped discipline shown on this segment centered around Kristoff’s school. It was stated that he “pulled three cards” per the school’s discipline system. Examining everything going on in a child’s classroom will help to answer the question of how best to understand and manage behavior. Is the child succeeding in class? Does he have a learning disability? Is he trying to be a class clown to cover up for his fears? Is he being bullied? Is he lagging behind in English language learning? Are there peer issues? Are there teacher issues? How about talking with the teacher about modifying the discipline due to a trauma background? Does the child need an Individualized Education Plan (IEP)?
When repeated school issues emerge, ask yourself: Does your child need educational or mental or physical health evaluations?
While resources are hard to come by and many are not covered under insurance, seeking out help for both your child and yourself is the first step to improving adoptive parenting difficulties.
We have just touched the surface of these important issues, so please stay tuned for more to come on this very important topic. And if you’re ever tempted to treat your child in the unconscionable, unfathomably ugly and demeaning way this mother treated Kristoff, seek help immediately. For immediate danger to a child or adults in the home, call 911. For a list of 24-hour state crisis lines: http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/hotlines/state.asp
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