Adoptive Families in Crisis
The following is an interview with Claire* and Colleen* who have been actively involved for many years in assisting adoptive families in crisis.
*Given the volatile nature of this subject, we have assigned pseudonyms for our guests.
We want to thank you both so much for agreeing to speak with us today about a very important issue in adoption. Though this issue has been around for years, it has not been addressed in the open as much as it should. Unfortunately, this is becoming a more frequent and desperate issue that is screaming out for reform. We are talking about adoptive families who find themselves parenting a child they feel they can no longer keep in their homes and/or families. (Note: When we discuss the topic of “disrupting” we are actually talking about dissolving an adoption.)
Q. How big of a problem do you believe this issue is today?
Claire: The problem of failing adoptions is paramount. I cannot fathom why agencies and public service organizations are not addressing this in an effective and validating way.
Colleen: The problem of families struggling with issues, including those ending in dissolutions is HUGE. It is under-reported, understated, and agencies and adoptive families alike are in denial that these issues exist and that they can impact families significantly.
Q. How many families do you have coming to you in an average month looking for help?
Claire: A rough estimate would be 5-6 families in more dire situations and 10 families total if you include more mundane issues like educational advocacy, obtaining legal paperwork, etc.
Colleen:I recently retired as a psycho-educational consultant, specializing in childhood trauma issues. The majority of my clients were adoptive families. I would estimate that I averaged anywhere from 10-15 per week prior to retirement. Since retiring, I still average about 2-5 families per week. All of these families were struggling with a child or children who had serious issues.
Q. What kinds of issues are these families dealing with in their homes?
Claire: I would have to say that the number one issue is around attachment. Families feel like they have been hit by this sudden hidden bomb and don’t know whether to run for cover or stay and try to disarm the bomb.
Secondly, families do not feel validated or supported about their realization that parenting this kids can not only NOT be fun, but it can bring out a very ugly side to them that they would much rather not know.
Colleen: Considering that attachment is a response to trauma, and one can’t have attachment issues w/o also having PTSD…although one can have PTSD w/o attachment issues, I would say the #1 issue is PTSD. This would, however, include attachment issues, as well as secondary PTSD as suffered by the family members, especially mom.
Q. What resources are out there for struggling families?
Claire: Resources are scarce and many of the ones that are developed and in place are not accessible to internationally or privately adopted children (in other words, they are resources created by state social service entities for state social service placements).
Families are afraid of retribution from their agencies, are afraid of punitive acts from social services and can’t even turn to their own families without recriminations in most cases. This narrows the resource corridors and limits their coping strategies.
Colleen: The resources available via the state, for domestic adoptions, are a joke. (I’ve also worked as an FDS [Family Development Specialist] for the state). Even these so called resources are not typically available to families who have adopted internationally. So, I would say that finding resources is like finding the proverbial needle in a haystack. I agree that families are often afraid of retribution from their agencies and/or social services, so even when these inadequate resources exist, the likelihood of them being sought out by hurting families is slim to none.
Q. When a family first adopts a child and they sense something isn’t right or the child is exhibiting serious behaviors what are the first steps they should take?
Claire: I know most people will say get a therapist. I don’t disagree with that, but I think the first step a family needs is support. If that comes in the way of a “therapist” then that is sound advice. But I have seen families ruined by therapists who have no clue about institutionalization, grieving, attachment, the biology of deprivation and the family dynamics surrounding adoption.
I remember all too vividly when autism was blamed on “refrigerator mothers” and this theme is not so distant when it comes to the current trend of adoption.
So, in essence, my first call would be for support, even if it is simply another a-parent who has been there and done that. Sometimes, the greatest comfort comes from strangers.
Colleen: I agree that support is vital. However, having facilitated a support group for many years, and needing to correct well-meaning, been there done that, parents at nearly every meeting, I would have to say that I would still recommend seeking an experienced professional first. I shudder when I think of the number of support groups out there that are not being facilitated by a trained, experienced professional. As the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and I have seen far too many parents led astray by other suffering parents. Having said that, finding the right professional is very, very hard. The demand far exceeds the supply in this case.
Q. What are the placement agencies doing to help families succeed?
Claire: There is a bigger push to educate families about the issues listed above. I have two concerns with that. First and foremost, the education seems to be just another hoop to jump through and really is just fulfilling a mandate. Many of the courses are online and just another perfunctory task to complete and another dollar to spend. It is hard to say who is really benefiting from the “mandated educational training.”
Secondly and more importantly, I am not sure some of the lessons can be taught. I think they need to be learned. Sure, I can tell you that some of these kids have no clue what it is like to live in a family with love and sanity. But can you imagine in your mind that it means they will go to the ends of the earth, out of a life and death fear NOT to let anyone close to them? Can you really imagine what extremes a small child has mustered to shut you out? We can’t comprehend many things that are not tangible or in our frame of personal reference, especially when they are at such extreme ends of our reality. Does that make sense? I am not sure all the training in the world will ever be able to teach you to be prepared for what it is like trying to live with a child damaged beyond comprehension.
Colleen: Mandating education is fruitless. First of all, there is no quality control. Families can take a very basic and/or incorrect on-line class for free or minimal expense or they could take a course such as mine which had a fee of $100. Guess which one most families chose? There were a few agencies that required their parents to take my course as opposed to just any course, but just a few. Secondly, many parents believe (and often as a result of their social worker and/or agency) that the risks mentioned in the courses will not apply to them. After all, they will love their children enough so that none of these issues will occur! (as if the rest of us haven’t loved our kids enough, right?!) Denial is rampant.
However, even though some things can only be experienced, at least to their full extent, I know that I was able to plant a lot of seeds. A lot of parents returned to thank me for making them aware of the potential issues, what to look for, and how to get help (or at least to keep my # handy!).
Q. What do you feel that placement agencies should be offering?
Claire: This is going to be very controversial…but they should start with better and more honest scrutiny of the types of kids that have a capacity to live in a family setting with support and resources. They need to stop making the financial profit the driving force behind creating families and start implementing good judgment and morality to adoption.
As big a part as that plays, it is only a PART of the adoption dilemma. Families really need to have a good grasp on the spectrum of differences kids from another culture, deprivation, drug insults in utero, abuse, neglect (the list goes on) might come with. Stop brush stroking how every kid needs love and how you can make a difference. You know what…for some kids…no one can.
Screen families for:
(1) Their ability to muster resources when things are tough.
(2) Their support system.
(3) Their values.
And then MATCH parenting styles (and match not based on ability to pay but on ability to parent) such kids. Many disruptions are due to mismatched parenting styles.
Colleen: Yes, I absolutely agree….I keep hearing that all kids deserve a home of their own. But you know what? Not all kids can handle a home of their own. The system to determine whether or not a child should be eligible for adoption needs to be totally revamped. This decision needs to be based on far more than whether or not the child has been TPR’d! [terminated parental rights] I think that parents should be made fully aware of the need for attachment and/or therapeutic parenting for many, if not most, adopted children. They should be made aware of what this may consist of, and then approved ONLY if they are able/willing to parent a child therapeutically. The reasons for dissolutions basically fall into two categories: those that are due to the inability of a child to heal/live w/the intimacy of a family and those that are due to the inability and/or unwillingness of a parent to deal correctly with the issues of the impacted child.
Q. If a family goes to their agency and the agency turns them away, what options do they have to get some help?
Claire: Unfortunately, these clandestine networking groups are formed out of a dire need for resource building and acquiring. They didn’t just crop up for nothing. Agencies ARE turning families in need away.
At the risk of being redundant, I see the first line of stability coming form acknowledgment and support. So, families need to go where they can get their needs met. Some states have FST (Family Stabilization and Treatment) type programs that might be a front line option for immediate help and long term resource planning. Other states have short term respite programs. Unfortunately, most states have nothing. So, families go where they can find help.
Colleen: Yeah, agencies are turning a blind eye to the numbers of families in need, some even going so far as to pretend that they have never heard of children being impacted in these ways. Where I live, there is a private support services agency that is trying very hard to match families in need w/the few (very few) resources available, but they are struggling financially, in getting the word out that they can help and/or in finding appropriate help. I am not a fan of respite programs in general. I’ve found that a great many respite providers are not trained in attachment and/or PTSD issues, so they unwittingly undo progress or undermine the parents. Additionally, it is often just the first step towards dissolution. The clandestine networkings are meeting a very deep need, but unfortunately, they also can cause additional problems since they are ‘underground’ and can’t openly seek appropriate assistance (legally, medically, psychologically, etc.).
Q. Let’s talk about respite care for parents with behaviorally or emotionally challenged children. How easy or difficult is this to find?
Claire: Just another complexity among an already over wrought problem. I personally think respite works. Even if the end result is still disruption, respite can buffer the crisis state enough to make that decision with a bit more sanity. But getting supportive, trusting respite is the key. And therein lies the extended complexity of the situation.
The whole idea of respite is a magnet for the best and worst of people. It brings child collectors out of the darkened woodwork. Some people see it as a means to adopt and miss the two important ingredients of respite: temporary and supportive. Even placing families can use respite as an evasion of responsibility, a deterrent to “doing the right thing”, a dumping ground with sympathy.
Respite can be a crap shoot on both sides.
Some people offer “professional respite” and charge. I am not sure that fees make it any more “professional” than free respite but I am sure it can be a great sales pitch. I also think that it is just another way to divide crisis situations…if you pay you get and if you can’t pay…?
Respite providers also need to have a deepened sense of the situation that I think often is missing.
Respite can work, but I am not sure how to put in safe guards, I am not sure how to screen out kooks and I am not sure if it salvages troubled adoptions.
Colleen: I would have to disagree here; I have never, in the more than 2 decades that I have worked in adoption—both domestic and international—seen respite work. It doesn’t work for the kids, it doesn’t work for the adoptive parents. It undermines what the adoptive parents have put in place, if anything and it validates abandonment issues in the kids….when they reunite, we so often have a powder keg that is even closer to exploding than if they had sought professional help and worked w/in the family on the issues.
Q. What advice can you give to struggling families looking for respite care?
Claire: Broken record here..GET SUPPORT,..find someone, something, somehow to talk to, bounce emotions off of, ask to help. From personal experience, I can tell you that when I was going through hell, I NEEDED THE SUPPORT..the therapist was for ME!
Once you find out that you are not alone and are willing to consider respite as an option, there are some real important things you need to do.
1. CHECK OUT the family in every way you can. Talk to neighbors, clergy, call references, call their agency, read their home study, ask for clearances.
2. Meet the family and go to their home. If you can’t, ask the agency for an updated home visit.
3. Come up with an agreement in writing…about how respite will work, how long, what costs will you cover, what do you expect of the respite family, what kind of contact do you desire..etc.
4. Don’t arm chair parent. There is no quicker way to lose support or create wedges than to demand that another family do things exactly the way you did them, after all, there is little reason to believe it is the answer.
5. Expect that you might feel bad about the child’s success in their respite home. It is hard to watch someone else do a job that you feel you failed at. Keep in mind that it is NOT the case…you didn’t fail…the child is just acting differently in a different environment and that might be temporary but it is what it is.
6. Concentrate on your plans and goals. What do you need to do during this time? What do you need to get put in place to reach your decision? Where is your support for now and the future?
7. Be responsible and respectful Expect that if you decide you are “done” you still have obligations and responsibilities to the child and to both families.
8. Communicate….communicate…communicate.
9. Stay in contact with support systems. Help be part of the solution.
Colleen: As I said, I have never seen respite work, so my only advice is….don’t do it! Certainly seek support and professional assistance…make sure both are knowledgeable, experienced and appropriate…and work w/in the family unit.
Q. Let’s talk about families who feel they must disrupt their adoptions. How frequently are you seeing this in your work?
Claire: Too often. Unfortunately, by the time families find what they need, it might be a case of too little, too late. Usually, respite is synonymous with disruption. I hate that fact, but it seems to be a trend I see.
Colleen: I saw a lot of dissolutions and disruptions. Many could have been avoided if the family had sought and/or found appropriate help earlier, if the agencies had been ethical in their informing of pre-adoption families, etc. Many families that I’ve worked with *should* have dissolved, as they were unwilling to even attempt to meet their child’s needs….in other words, these were not situations where the child had the attachment issues—rather the adoptive parent/s had the attachment issues, especially with regards to that particular child. But the vast majority of dissolutions and disruptions that I’ve worked with have been unavoidable because the children involved were so significantly impacted by their past traumas that they were beyond the point of healing and others in the home were in danger as a result. These families felt…and I agreed…that they had no choice but to dissolve or disrupt in order to protect their other children.
Q. What kinds of situations lead parents to choose to disrupt?
Claire: This may sound absurd, but usually it is the inability of the parent to understand the controlling behaviors, taking the behaviors as a measure of disrespect, and the reputation of being bad parents that comes with it all. In other words, it seems to be a downward spiral in a pretty consistent fashion.
Child comes home and parents are ready to lavish and love child. Child rejects all that and puts into play a series of very calculating and controlling behaviors (after all, what do they even know about families, love and safety). Parents take it personally (how can you not) and start to resent their efforts being met with such disdain. They hang on tighter (remember, love cures all, doesn’t it?) and the circle dance starts. By the time the parents realize what they are doing is not working, there is so much anger and frustration that things are at a crisis stage.
Colleen: I have definitely worked with families/children who fit the situation described above. But again, in my experience, the situations that lead the majority of parents to dissolve are situations where the child is a danger to himself or to others in the family (usually the latter). I have worked with many families where the issued child has been violent. Most of these parents have not dissolved lightly, but have arrived at that horrible decision when all else has failed.
Q. How are parents disrupting? Are they relinquishing to the State? Are they going through adoption agencies or finding families on their own?
Claire: The correct answer would be all three. The percentage of each way is very imbalanced. There are new agencies emerging to help families specifically with disruptions, but the cost is great. Recently, I visited a website of a new agency doing disruptions. They TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY in any fashion for the child’s new placement. They simply charge a $3000.00 fee to choose a family and then even more money to escort the child to the new family from the Ranch for Kids. What a gimmick!
This might be a bit biased, but most disruptions seem to be occurring privately, behind the scenes and rather quietly because there is a huge stigma attached that an already distraught and grieving family just cannot contend with.
Colleen: I would agree that most dissolutions happen privately and quietly. Not only because of the stigma—and that is huge—but also because in many states, the parents find themselves between a rock and a hard place legally. If they attempt to remand relinquish custody to the State, they may be charged with abandonment. If they choose not to dissolve an adoption of a violent child, and another child in the family is harmed, they may be charged with child endangerment. There are few, if any, safety nets for families who find themselves in the situation of trying to dissolve an adoption. It is almost always a no-win situation.
Q. Can you talk about the pro’s and con’s of each of the above scenarios?
Claire: Ideally, there will come a time when no one has to seek out, on their own accord a new family for their child. But that is pretty idealistic.
I think all disruptions need to be handled by a qualified agency, with minimal cost to families. However, if our present foster care system is to be a model for that, it could be rather counter productive. I would like to see a highly specialized task force developed for each state that implement supports and counseling for families in crisis and uses disruption as a last resort option. The agency would also have a list of certified and legally ready families on hand that they can match, place and support for a finite time, the new placements.
I do think “re-placements” need to be centralized and handled with special care.
Colleen: We certainly don’t have a ‘model’ of how this could happen in a way that would address the losses (of the family and of the child), prepare any potentially suitable new placement family and keep the cost minimal to all. I think the ideal is to have qualified professionals, safeguards and safety nets in place to prevent as many dissolutions as possible. I doubt that there will ever come a time when it is totally preventable, but it is certainly possible to reduce the number drastically by screening adoptive parents more carefully, educating them more appropriately and adequately, not placing children who truly are irreparably traumatized (there are those that would argue that we cannot make that judgment with any sort of accuracy. I would agree that it would not be possible 100% of the time, but any professional can tell you there are certain kids we wouldn’t bring into our own homes and knowing that, we can absolutely be more careful about placing children who are more likely to face dissolution) and by holding agencies accountable for total disclosure.
Q. What kinds of supports should be in place both for the child and the parents going through a disrupted placement?
Claire: When you say parents, I am assuming you mean both families? The family giving up a child, a dream, needs compassion and support, even if they don’t seem too upset over it and maybe don’t even seem like they deserve it. With few exceptions, families go into adoption with hope, love and a dream. I can’t recall ever speaking with a family that said, “I wanted to adopt to go through this painful hell of realizing that it wouldn’t work out.”
Disrupting families need support, maybe counseling, time, and hope. They need restoration. They need to be empowered. They need courage to stand up to those who will surely judge them. They need understanding.
New families need support. They need shelter from the storm so it doesn’t follow them. They need the truth. They need to know how to be gracious. They need to be strong. I have been on both sides, so I can write all day long about this.
The kids need support. They need to have the sending families blessing and permission to move on. They need ideas. They need comfort. They need self esteem, got any?
The kids need a truth that will meet their experiences in life. They need someone with guts…and not an insane family who thinks they have guts just because they can fool the community. I’ve seen that one time too many, families get this glory for taking “these kids”. Don’t tell them I love you, even if you do. It isn’t in their realm of knowledge and especially after they just lost a family. They need to know they will be safe and cared for, but skip the I LOVE YOU part for now.
Colleen: Parents go into adoption with a variety of motivations and these should be screened before-hand. I agree that none, in my experience, thought they were signing up for the painful hell of issues that can’t be healed and the dissolutions of adoption, but not all go into it with hope, love and a dream. Many go into it w/a savior mentality. I’ve often had folks tell me that they thought they could ‘save’ this child. Christians often approach adoption w/the mentality that they are ‘ministering to the orphan’ instead of ‘I’m bringing a child into my family to love as my own’. (I am a Christian, so I understand the desire to fulfill the call of James 1:27, but adoption is about building families. We can minister to the orphans and widows in other ways.) So, the support offered to the dissolving family may vary to some degree upon the original motivation, but would include counseling, support, time, encouragement in grieving. The support to the child is paramount, of course. The ‘hand off’ should be monitored by a professional, in my opinion as I have seen too many of these go awry. I agree that the child needs the dissolving family’s permission and blessing. I disagree about skipping the “I love you” from the new family…I think they need to hear it in context of action and permanency. Attachment work comes first, and “I love you” needs to be in the context of facilitated attachment. The kids need the truth w/in the context of trauma work…trauma work follows attachment work. They need to be allowed and encouraged to grieve…grief work follows trauma work. New families need the truth and they need to be realistic about their ability to facilitate attachment and parent therapeutically. Absolutely, there is a multitude of families seeking to adopt from a dissolution that are 1) wanting to do it this way because it is less expensive and/or 2) have a savior complex and believe that the initial adoptive family (families) are evil and they can, of course, bring healing to this child.
Q. What are some things families need to be aware of or concerned about as they consider disrupting?
Claire: Who are you giving your child too? HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGEEEE. And how can you be certain, for sure, this is the right family?
Following the law. Only in these “United States” the law is different over each state border you cross, but know the law because if you violate it, no one will consider it is their fault for writing such vague laws (the ICPC factor) [Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. See http://icpc.aphsa.org/Home/about.asp for full explanation of the process].
How will you frame this event in the days/years/months to come to your family, your friends, but most importantly to YOURSELF?
Is this the ONLY option?
Colleen: I agree w/all of the above, but would say that it is extremely, extremely difficult to make sure that the family you are relinquishing to is the right family. We assume, and often incorrectly, that the social workers have done their jobs well and any family with an approved home study is a good, qualified family. That social workers are by and large totally clueless in the adoption arena is another topic for another day.
Following the law is vital! Definitely the ICPC aspect, as well as the concerns I mentioned earlier; making sure that you won’t be charged with abandonment. The last thing a grieving family needs is to find themselves on the wrong side of the law.
Consider…strongly….counseling for your other children. Children process differently than adults. They may be thinking, “am I next?” It may trigger their own abandonment fears, cause secondary PTSD, and so on. Even if adults are fortunate enough to find support groups, other children in the family are often overlooked when it comes to offering support. They go from being on the backburner to the issued child, to being on the backburner to the grieving parents. We cannot forget or diminish the impact on the remaining children when a dissolution occurs!
Q. In your experience, does the next adoptive placement typically work out for a child or do those adoptions also fail? Can you talk a little bit more about this?
Claire: This is interesting and currently where I am hoping to do a little more research. My first response is that they do work out the second time around. I have a few speculations about it:
1. Moving into a new family is a drastic extreme. Some of the kinks, anger, transition difficulties are played out in the first family that may come to an end with the second family.
2. Second families may already have an idea of what “didn’t work” so try not to replicate the first family in many ways, including family dynamics, discipline, parenting styles, etc.
3. Second families go into things (most, not all) with eyes wide open. They have more history, sometimes more knowledge and expertise and often times more energy and desire.
4. Second families may have already had a chance to rally needed support, implement services needed and fine tune their desires.
Having said all that, I am also learning that some kids are bouncing, home to home, in a respite or respite to adopt setting. I am trying to ascertain if that is directly related to family selection method, first family sabotaging techniques or even religious influences.
There are kids that are NOT making it in second families either and I imagine the reasons are complicated and convoluted at times.
Colleen: Wow, my experience in this area is totally different. I would say that the opposite is true, that most kids do not make it in subsequent families. I would say this is because most dissolutions are due to the issued child truly being violent, beyond healing, etc. Some may appear to be doing well in subsequent families, but in reality what I see is that many are taken in by extremely large families (those addicted to adopting, who have the savior complex, etc.) and so the facilitation of attachment isn’t attempted….intimacy is not part of the family dynamic. The acting out, the violence, may temporarily dissipate as a result, but the child is not attaching, not healing and will continue to have major issues, challenges, trouble through his/her life (promiscuity, JDC or jail time, etc.).
Those children who are relinquished because the parents do not attach, or they have unrealistic expectations, and so on, often do well in subsequent families but again, they are not the majority.
Q. What about adoptive families out there who seem to take in one child after another from disruptions? What is their motivation and do you feel these are good options for children?
Claire: Again, I speculate that some of their desires are ego driven. Some self imposed sense of importance.
Another theory is that it is an addiction, each new kids feeds this need for change, this desire for adrenaline (the chase and win game) which quickly dissipates and has to be filled once again by a new quest.
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, some of the collecting is driven by finances. I know a family that is able to get each and every child on some sort of stipend because they are classified as having special needs, thus, the family has no other income (like employment) and lives quite well, mind you. There is a monetary incentive for the savvy.
There are religious reasons that families continue to add these kids to their families.
There are legitimate people who feel drawn to parenting these kids, they have the means, the knowledge, the energy, the desire but don’t have the ability to distinguish proper limits.
Some people do it for a sense of recognition. Imagine the reporter who later has to go and report that they were locking kids in storm cellars?
Colleen: In my experience, the motivation of the families who continue to add one after another is rarely pure. Financial assistance for those who know how to work the system, for sure…but primarily recognition, that savior complex, the idea (theirs and those that endorse this view) that they are heroes. I have not known a single family who has added one after another who truly has any sense, any desire, to truly parent these children the way they need to be parented in order to heal. Those who are legitimate, who feel called to continue adopting in rapid succession, but do not know how to put limits in place should have limitations extended to them by their social workers and placement agencies. But we are working within a system that does not even educate the very social workers who are doing the home studies and post placement visits, and where agencies continue to place for monetary gain.
Q. Can you comment on the recent case in Tennessee where a mother put her child back on a plane to Russia? Have you heard of other similar cases that did not reach the media?
Claire: Refer to this blog post:
Actually, there are many cases that do not reach the media. I know several families that have a financial arrangement with members of the child’s original family in their homeland.
Colleen: There are many, many cases that do not make the media. In this specific case, I reserved judgment because I do not know either the child or the parent. I was disheartened by the hateful comments directed at the mom, though…the amount of mud-slinging by those who had no idea what went on in that home. You know, a lot of that feeling stems from the belief that a child cannot be so violent that one fears for their life. Nobody wants to believe that it is possible for a 5 yr old to violate a 2 yr old…but it is possible. Nobody wants to believe that it is possible for a 7 yr old to come at his mom with a knife, intent on dismembering and beheading her…but it is. Nobody wants to believe that a 6 yr old would purposefully smother her infant sister…but it is. I could give so many examples, and every time there is a huge amount of disbelief that children are capable of such heinous crimes. But they are. Child molesters, rapists, murderers don’t wake up on their 18th birthdays and suddenly decide to embark on these perversions…they all start in childhood. Having said that, I don’t think the mother made the right choice to put the child on a plane back to Russia…and yet, I can well imagine the possibility that she had exhausted what few resources may have been available to her and she may have felt that this was her only option.
Q. Do you know of any legitimate resources out there for families struggling or in crisis and thinking of disrupting?
Claire: Resources? Counseling centers, your home study agency, placing agency.
Viable options? Some new agencies have been created to address this problem. I would like to do a bit more research before commenting on their effectiveness, their motives, their fees and their fairness. I wonder if they really intend to address the problems or just make a quick buck off of family demise.
Colleen: The short answer is NO, I don’t know of any legitimate (ie: appropriate, informed, experienced) resources. Prior to my retirement, I had families coming to see me from all over the country because there are so few available, legitimate resources. I’ve worked with a few professionals to help them become knowledgeable in the areas of attachment, PTSD, core issues, dissolutions and disruptions, crisis situations, etc. and I am, at this point, comfortable recommending their services.
Q. What is the effect on the child in this?
Claire: Having adopted three from disruption, I have mixed impressions. Our first child was so happy to finally be removed from the family. As a matter of fact, his behavior toward the end was strictly driven by his desperate need to get out of the family. To him, it was a matter of life and death.
Our second child who was with two families before us, not counting his placements in his homeland, was angry. He ran his first family into the ground with angry stories. Things were black and white to him. The adoptive family was bad and we were good. After about a year, he finally trusted us enough to grieve and included in that grieving was the family that he went to before us. He was livid that people kept giving him away. He vacillated between thinking he was a bad boy and the two prior families were simply mean and hateful. He checked in and he checked out. He raged and he sobbed. Every fiber of his being was shredded in turmoil. He grieves and is recovering.
Our third guy is working on things in his own special way. I think he will struggle the hardest and longest. He can’t seem to make sense of it all.
Colleen: The impact on the child who truly has severe issues is actually quite minimal. Since they are unable to attach, they are able to walk away from anyone, including those who have been in the roles of mom, dad, siblings, without blinking an eye. The impact on a child who still has the potential to heal cannot be minimized…it is significant. Their outward response will vary, but the impact is still there. They will typically struggle with trust, rejection issues, abandonment fears, ability to receive love (because they do not trust it), a lack of understanding permanency, low self-esteem even to the point of self-loathing, challenges in learning and processing, and so on.
Q. In your experience, what could agencies be doing better to ensure adoptive placements work in the first place?
Claire: International adoptions are unique because there is no transition time at all. Agencies (especially foreign) know this and it is a great advantage they have. Yet, if a country tries to implement a bonding period, Americans squawk about the hardship and financial drain it renders. So, kids should be chosen on the basis that they show strong characteristics of resiliency and adaptation (uh huh, rigggggght). Sounds insane, I know.
Agencies need to have certification and a dedication to bringing a standard to adoption that meets or exceeds human compassion. The huge profit needs to be taken away form this industry. There needs to be great scrutiny over the procurement of children for adoption and maybe even eradicate the high failure rate of older child adoptions but setting limits on adoptable ages.
Adoption ought to be a last resort and not a first line business for many countries. I get torn here because foster care programs are fraught with their own issues, so to talk about foster care as an alternative isn’t the greatest argument. But a good start would be meeting basic needs including clean water, programs for employment, empowering women and children. Agencies need to promise half their resources, at least, go to the front lines.
Colleen: That is a really hard question to answer. A good start would be to make adopting harder. Not harder financially or by the number of hoops and amount of paperwork, but harder as far as deeper scrutiny of adoptive parents in terms of their motivation, their emotional well-being and stability, their willingness to parent therapeutically, their understanding that it is impossible for a child to attach “immediately” and that it will take work to facilitate attachment. Secondly, truthful assessments of the children being considered for placement…no more needing to read between the lines of descriptions of children because they are so rose-colored. And both need of the above need to be done by qualified, knowledgeable, appropriate, experienced professionals!!!!
Q. Do you have any other comments for our readers about this issue?
Claire:
1.Check out your agency.
2.Do some serious soul searching about what you can handle.
3.Be proactive. Find resources and support before you need it. Talk until you are blue in the face to other adoptive parents and discount no story.
4.Be wary of large families with no source of income, your kid may be a great asset to them.
5.Check things out 10 times over.
6.Get things in writing
7.Pray. After all, it can sometimes be the first step to doing something and it is something anyone can do.
Colleen: Go into adoption with eyes open. Have realistic expectations. Check your motivations. Know that adoption IS different than giving birth…equal in regards to the love and belonging we feel towards our children who come to us through adoption…but different in regards to their needs. We have to keep in mind that our gain—our children—is due to loss—our child’s., a loss that will have impacted our children. Get educated, take off your rose-colored glasses, prepare to parent therapeutically and understand that healing is a life-long journey. For most of us, and our children, it will be a journey worth taking.
REFORM Talk thanks you for your information and candor!
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