Why Does the Adoption Lobby Annoy Me? They All Get Along

By on 2-28-2012 in Adoption, Unethical behavior

Why Does the Adoption Lobby Annoy Me? They All Get Along
REFORM Talk’s guest blogger Reformatina provides a prelude to this week’s adoption blog theme, “Why the adoption establishment annoys me.” Blog owner Rally’s post will appear later in the week.Why do they bug me?

They all get along. Yes, you heard me, it’s annoying.

This is one of those weeks when I realize why we haven’t developed a united front against the adoption industry. If you take a look at CCAI/NCFA/JCICS, their goals are similiar: to keep the institution of adoption alive and well and seen in an all-positive manner, even when it’s not.

That is their goal. In 2012, there are plenty cracks in their carefully crafted agenda, with the ongoing exposure of chronic trafficking, agency lying, parent and child coercion, and corruption. Despite the heinousness of these crimes and the staunchness of the denial, these industry members have one thing in common: They all have each other’s backs.

Why can’t reformers do the same?

I realized last week that I have not been out of my zone in a while. I find working on these issues is tough when I am reading PAP blogs entitled “Journey to Whoever,” knowing not only what they are going to face but that they are incapable of listening to anyone outside of the adoption lobby. But when you are working just in your zone and on the issues in front of you, it is easy not to look around and see what the general thoughts are in the adoption galaxy. So I took a peek around the reform community last week and I noticed something that is flawed in reform: Lack of compassion. And that is sad because it is the one place where it should be.

Today I am not calling out the establishment because they have more than enough compassion–to keep their high paid jobs and positions of power. They know who their enemy is—it’s any critic of their agenda. The reformers, on the other hand, often seem to have a vague sense of common goals to achieve and virtually no agreement on exactly what they want to accomplish. If you sit and listen to members from different groups you will find commonalities…that coercion is bad, fraud is bad, huge amounts of money, bad. And these are relatively easy issues to agree on for those who have critical thinking skills and a heart.

Where this community loses its focus and power is in the coming together. When I say “we” I mean the community of reform at large. I believe the two greatest hurdles we need to overcome are ego and lack of compassion. Both are relatively easy to get past if you do the work. Both can be overcome by exercising the ability to step into another person’s shoes and sit there for a moment and consider how adoption has affected them.

It occurred to me that very few people try to do this. Instead, they jump to preconceived judgments about others when coming into an effort to reform something. They marginalize. I have watched the reform movement discard or push out some genuinely good and thoughtful people over the years due to its own biases and sometimes downright meanness.

But why do we do this if we’re all supposed to be on the same reform-goal page?

Adoptee who speaks about loss or issues of abuse in adoptive families = Angry Adoptee.

(Underlying message: ungrateful, out of control, not to be trusted, invalid opinions)

First parent who speaks of coercion or loss = Unprocessed.

(Underlying message: If you were a good person you would have found a way to parent. Now you need to move on and get over it.)

Adoptive parent with a child who has serious challenges = Bad, ungrateful parent.

(Underlying message: Everything you do is wrong unless you are raising a healthy, happy well-adjusted child. And don’t you dare say there are issues that resulted from things that happened before adoption–those are your fault too.)

Prospective adoptive parent who loses their life savings to adoption fraud or agency incompetence = Sucker.
(Underlying message: They are the reason for the problems so if they lose their money it’s their fault.)

Did any of those smart a little? Now step into the other shoes and try them on. How do those feel?

Lack of compassion is huge in this community. The list is long–lack of compassion for adoptees, for placing parents, for duped parents, for APs who were duped by agencies, for children in homes affected by traumatized children, for the traumatized child, and on and on.

There are many people I admittedly have trouble developing compassion for. These include agencies, lobbyists, APs who know they are getting/have a trafficked child and don’t care one iota. That’s not who I am talking about here.

In the reform community, there is way too much ego. I think it’s in part because in a community with critically thinking persons who have a lot of drive, ego is bound to get in the way. Such as:

*I know what needs to change so I don’t need to listen (much less try to understand) to others’ experiences.

*We have more “connections” than they do so how dare they try to change things.

*How dare they get involved in this fight? They are the reason it happened in the first place.

*I want credit for change therefore I won’t share my information with anyone else lest they push this measure through and take the glory.

*I would not have done THAT, therefore my agenda is valid and theirs is not.

People, listen to me, please. It’s way past time to put all of this down. Everyone needs to show some compassion. Everyone has been affected in some negative way by adoption–if not, we wouldn’t be here. For some the loss and pain is more than for others, so have the goodness to listen and respect it, even if you can’t come to a place to agree.

Recognize the common enemies: greed, lies, ego, ignorance, hate, stereotypes. These should be our targets.

If we put aside our differences, imagine what we as a group could do.

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8 Comments

  1. Good words, powerful words, time for action words, I thank you!

  2. wow.true. and we are all guilty.

  3. Brilliant, and right on the money. You have nailed here why the adoption status quo sails on unchallenged, and the adoption reform movement struggles. Taking your words to heart here.

  4. I don't really get this. What reform movement? I mean I am very active in adoption community for birth certificates but I don't know of any official reform movement. I know of support groups, but it could be my own ignorance as all my time has been soaked up by the Original Birth Cert. issue.

    I mean I know that there a lot of people with half-formed opinions, trauma, and anger, but as far as movement to be embraced or pushed out of, I am wholly ignorant.

    Is there really any group with a position paper trying to get reform measures passed?

    P.S. have to lol now at this post about biases when I see your links, Adult Adoptees Support Board not listed, Adoptee Rights Protest not listed. Oh people are not being all-inclusive? I see Bastard nation is listed. Do they have something big coming up? Would so love to hear about it.

  5. Hi Joy-Joy,

    It wasn't my intent to call out specific groups or individuals, but rather for readers to search their own hearts. There has been a movement to reform the overall adoption landscape for a number of years. Groups have met at conferences, meet and greets, speaking engagements, developed petitions, worked with media sources and met with congressional committees. Individuals not linked with formal organizations have done tremendous work to change the landscape for the better. Some like IAA (which dealt with transracial/transcultural adoption issues as well as the legal issues adoptees face) and the NAEAP (which attempted to establish a code of ethics for adoption professionals) have come and gone. Some like the American Adoption Congress, CUB, the Evan B. Donaldson Institute, G.O.A.L. and Ethica have been around for many years trying to educate and push for reforms. Bastard Nation and other unconditional access to OBC groups are probably the most focused in that their one goal is access.

    Newer groups are out there now as well, Against Child Trafficking, Origins, Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform, Pound Pup Legacy and many more forming out of a response to the need for change.

    This is just a partial list of groups working for reform.

    An example of the mountain the movement must climb: Recently there was a roundtable meeting with a Senate committee where industry leaders/lobbyists were invited to discuss intercountry adoptions. A few ethics minded groups were invited and allowed to give input. NO first parent or adoptee groups were invited to attend and even when the issue was raised these cohorts were excluded.

    So yes, there are many groups working on aspects of adoption reform and not all are provided a seat at the table when they should have one.

    That is to be expected from those in power positions. What concerns me is what goes on inside the reform movement. Unfortunately, when we have so many groups and individuals within those groups it is easy lose one's way forward. There is a need for distinct and separate groups working on the important issues, but when there is lack of understanding, jockeying for position, or quite frankly poor behavior between the groups it provides strength to industry leaders and lobbyists.

  6. I was quite surprised to find myself on your list as a bad, ungrateful parent! Ouch! Eye-opening, but that does smart.

  7. Thanks for taking the time to answer my question. Your post inspired me to ask other longer-time members of the adopto-land community for their opinion tonight.

    Like you they pointed to Ethica and PEAR. I struggle with finding AAC a reform group because of my interactions with them. I wanted to join IAA, but was refused due to my pearly-whiteness. I think this is a huge issue, reform. I am very concerned with the well-being of adopted people. A forum that I believe in very much that I didn't see listed was the AAAFC. I am no longer a member of that forum due to me devoting all my time to working on the OBC issue, with the Adoptee Rights Coalition.

    Which as you may not be aware will be in a contact-veto state this year, Illinois. http://www.adopteerightscoalition.com/
    This is very important, Illinois law is illin' and we need to address that.

    I also believe strongly that the sealing of the records of our own lives gravely informs adoption reform. It gaslights us as a class. How can we even get to real reform organizations that are defined by the class impacted, adoptees, when most of us are not allowed even the facts of our own lives?

    I agree with your comments about the bad behavior. I was told by Marley herself that I couldn't address legislators because I hadn't read Foucault. When I have! When that never comes up. I have read every book they suggested, because why not, because they brought awareness where there was none. But why should they discourage me?

    That is neither here or there to me, what matters to me is that adoptees are enfranchised. I don't give a rat's ass who makes this happen. I would be super happy if other people did because what I really like to do is sew. If Bastard nation did something I could support I so would. With money, time, and effort.

    I really have my eyes on the prize. I really want the harmful message that your life is so shameful that it has to be sealed away taken away from all adoptees everywhere.

    My problem is I don't think we have enough resources to form a cohesive reform movement because we are mired in fighting for the basest of civil liberties. We are mired in shame and stigma as a class.

    My last thought is, as far as mean, people have been mean to me as the day is long since pretty much the day I was born. It happens, like every other kid that ever lived, I was picked-on, I am picked-on. I don't know you but would give you dollars to doughnuts that more people hate me than hate you.

    If you can't handle being hated on, then politics of any sort, reform of any sort is not for you, the general you, not you, you.

    You will be hated, you will be picked-on, like I have been. That is not why I do this or anyone should. You do it because principles matter more than personalities, because things are more important than personal ego. You do it because it is the right thing to do and not to be liked. That is your guide star, that is how you lol at sites made up to hate you.

    Something matters to me more than who likes me, the adoptees coming up behind me matter more. If you are doing it to be liked get out now. It will not win you that end.

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