FacePalm Friday
Welcome to this week’s edition of FacePalm Friday.
This is where your hosts will list their top picks for this week’s FacePalm moment—something they learned or read about this week that caused the FacePalm to happen (you know, the expression of embarrassment, frustration, disbelief, shock, disgust or mixed humor as depicted in our Rally FacePalm smiley).
We invite you to add your FacePalm of the week to our comments. Go ahead and add a link, tell a personal story, or share something that triggered the FacePalm on the subject of child welfare or adoption.
Your Host’s Selections:
(1) Mom Gives back son and Fosters again
https://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/why-one-mother-gave-back-her-adopted-son-163800330.html
“Conner’s therapist warned her that J likely wouldn’t weep or protest when he left. Indeed, he just walked away (and by all accounts is thriving with his new family).”
“Last October, the Conners got their first placement — a 3-month-old boy. “It will be so painful when he has to leave,” Conner admits. “But I’ve learned that starting life with the experience of love is good. Now I know when and how I can give it.””
(2)Tim Tebow
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20798628,00.html
“”When I have a family someday, I’ll probably adopt.””
(3) Cameroon?
http://www.adoptfromafrica.org/adopt-from-africa-information-packet/
“Adopt From Africa is currently a matching organization for Cameroon, Africa. Please prayerfully consider if this is where God is leading your family.”
Really?
(4) Chuckie
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/21/us-adoptions-foreign-children-russia
“Chuck Johnson, CEO of the National Council of Adoption, contended that the decline stems in part from the way the State Department has applied the Hague Convention on Inter-Country Adoption, which establishes ethical standards for international adoptions
The US entered into the agreement in 2008 with strong support from adoption advocates who hoped it would curtail fraud and corruption, and then lead to a boom in legitimate adoptions. Instead, the decrease has continued.
“The US has encouraged and in some cases strong-armed impoverished countries to sign the Hague Convention and then cites their inability to comply with strict Hague standards as a reason for not doing inter-country adoption with them,” Johnson said.
Johnson expressed hope that Congress would support a bill introduced with bipartisan support last year – the Children in Families First Act – that would encourage more adoptions of foreign orphans.” 
(5)Franklin Graham
““Of course, gays and lesbians cannot have children,” he said.”
Like one of commenters said, “Of course we can have kids. Some of us do adopt, it’s true. And, some of us use donated sperm or eggs. Some of us use birthing surrogates.
Finally, a whole lot of us conceived our children through garden variety heterosexual sex. That’s how I got my kids. The fact that I now know that I’m a lesbian doesn’t change the fact that I do have kids.”
Colleen Novit is dishing on Reece’s Rainbow — while her “pleas” that it should be all about the orphans while ignoring what she considers little things that can be ignored like:
“-Families have been done wrong by the team in country.
-The team in country interfered with families adoptions that were using another team
-Their ethics are questionable at best
-They are functioning as an agency
-They are overstepping boundaries
-They are sabotaging adoptions
-Money is going missing
-Money is being withheld”
Oh my, she even writes that:
“You are taking away from an orphan every time you stir up the drama of Satan.
He wants you to shift focus, he wants them to remain in orphanages.
Every time you start drama, you are making the plight less and less “real”,
Less desirable to want to be a part of,
You are causing families and advocates to think twice before jumping in.
You are not saving anyone.
Leave the saving to Jesus.”
Love love love that she considers corrupt facilitators, bribes, large sums of missing money to be “drama” getting in the way of “rescuing” orphans — as opposed to flat-out criminal behavior that will likely get adoptions from a given country shut down. That it’s okay to ignore CRIMES to “ransom” orphans!
http://thestarsaligned.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-ole-grey-mare.html
(If anyone’s interested, the “priest” she mentions in her post is a Ukrainian priest who reportedly set up an orphanage for special needs orphans and encouraged Ukrainians to adopt those kids — many RR families who had illegally pre-selected an orphan who was illegally photo listed on RR to adopt, but hadn’t actually received an official referral for that kid were upset, including Lora Lund:
http://mycamokids.com/2012/09/in-my-heart.html
“Teri Lynn” was a Ukrainian girl illegally photo listed on RR that had been adopted, yet still listed as desperately in need of a family on RR. Adeye Salem begged for and received a ton of cash to “ransom” a girl who was no longer an orphan:
http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2011/07/update-on-teri-lynn.html
“Pleven”
The now-fired director of the Pleven, Bulgaria orphanage severely neglected many SN orphans. New NGOs were set up to accept donations to mitigate the pitiful conditions the kids were found in:
http://theblessingofverity.com/2012/10/the-story-of-katies-adoption/
Missing/withheld money / alleged sabotaging of adoptions
$35k for Lera for the Higbies
http://savinglera.blogspot.com/2012/07/the-scoop.html
$30k for various kids for the Burmans
Carringtonscourage.blogspot.com
Bad behavior from the infamous Ukraine facilitator Serge Z
http://ralphcrew.blogspot.com/search?q=Riding+rainbow&max-results=20&by-date=true&m=1
http://theadoptionspotlight.wordpress.com/?s=Serge&submit=Search. )
Kudos to you in not having the courage to put a name with your comment. Hide behind whatever links you want, never did I say what any facilitator is doing is acceptable, but those who stir up the additional unneeded drama toward anyone other than that facilitator, yeah not going to do a whole lot of justice to the situation. Teri Lynn was not in Ukraine, so again, as always, your “facts” have fallen short….tragic.
Money was witheld from *US* so again, you can make all kinds of claims but as stated, I have been on both sides and I will continue to tell my story.
Colleen,
The problem isn’t your “telling your story”; the problem is your implicit request that nobody talk about any problems resulting from– or caused by– the movement to “rescue” the world’s poor children by adopting them, lest families “think twice” before pursuing an international adoption.
I say that every prospective adoptive parent SHOULD think twice before adopting! They should think about how the prospect of getting hold of American money leads to the creation of “orphans” for export. They should read the stories of poor, uneducated parents whose children were kidnapped from them to feed the adoption maw with healthy young children– the ones most in demand with PAPs.
They should think about the developmental damage a forced change of language in childhood does kids– and how this impedes a traumatized child’s ability to benefit from psychotherapy, or even schooling. They should read up on the behavior and attachment problems shown by older adoptees– and about the high rate with which these kids are rejected by their “forever families”. Some APs disrupt ethically and legally, but others– seeking to remain eligible for future adoptions– do so sub rosa through semi-legal “child exchanges” or place their kids in unlicensed group care programs based on junk science.
They should consider that “orphanages” are full because that’s how the west “helps” poor children: Not by giving aid to the families as a whole, but by offering food and shelter to the kids alone– conditional on the parents’ leaving them in the orphanage’s custody.
They should consider all these things– and also whether they should choose another way to “help” the poor children of the world, one that does less collateral damage than international adoption as it exists today.
If they do choose to adopt internationally, they need to accept that there are no healthy small children available for adoption, and research carefully to find a country with a “clean” program to adopt from, and an ethical agency. They should read all complaints and criticisms about agencies– and be on the lookout for bad actors resurfacing under a new name, funded with their Chapter Seven protected proceeds from their previous corrupt agency.
In short, they should do as much clear-eyed unsentimental background checking as if they were proposing to purchase a house or a used car from these people. They shouldn’t accept devout-sounding verbiage as proof these people are on the side of the angels. Remember the “wolves in sheep’s clothing”?
I don’t want you to stop telling your story Colleen — the stories of funds withheld NEED to be told. I’m genuinely hoping you have answers were tons of others have sought (but failed) to get any that make any sort of sense.
Where did all the money that went to Teri-Lynn go?
Where did all the money that went to the kids the Burmans adopted go?
Where did the money that went to the kids you (Colleen) are in the midst of adopting go?
People NEED to know this. For no other reason than that official 501(3)c charities that ACCEPT money for a specific purpose (e.g. adopting “Gage”) are required to return it to the ORIGINAL DONORS if the money cannot be used for that SPECIFIC purpose (e.g. “Gage” is no longer available for adoption)… it is not for the charity to reallocate those funds as they see fit.
And, honestly, if you’ve got the documentation to back up your story (it certainly sounds like you do), you should seriously consider sending the IRS, Better Business Bureau and whomever this kind of fraud/financial misconduct should be reported the information. Same with the Burmans, Higbies, and any other family who has proof in writing that they’ve been wronged.
I’m SO not a fan of fundraising to adopt (that’s putting it mildly) but, well, the IRS is willing to give out tax deductions to 501c3 charities that do adoption grants — and the organizations who hand out those tax deductions are obligated to follow certain laws/regulations. If you (or anybody else) has proof laws are being violated… REPORT THEM!).
Save your breath, she won’t report them, because money talks. She has decided that the ends *do* justify the means and has reversed her previous decision to never have anything more to do with Reece’s Rainbow and their unethical financial shenanigans. Because RR has Gage & Millie’s grants, and saving them is more important than following the law, don’t you know.
Gotta love Reece’s Rainbow’s Colleen Novit — a woman who begged for $$ to adopt 2 high SN, out of birth order SN kids from Bulgaria late last year… because she had better things to spend HER hubby’s hard-earned cash on…
Colleen found the $$ to take her kids on fun trip to Great Wolf Lodge (2 adults + 6 kids = at least $500 for a weekend!).
Gotta love her priorities!
http://iwillcometoyou-john14-18.blogspot.com/2015/03/idsc-weekend-2015.html
Both her newly aquired Bulgarian dumplings should probably not get too comfy in her home… she’s likely to tire of them or have a Tommy Musser-style OOPSIE before the year is up!
I’m just flattered that you follow me so closely. Our trip was a Christmas gift from an extended family member 🙂
Coleen : Did you ever send the FUNDRAISING t-shirts you collected cash for??
After 3 failed adoptions in 3 separate countries, you would think these folks would’ve gotten the message… but, not, they’re no restarting another adoption in another country with other people’s cash:
“013 was the hardest year of Aaron and Jenny and their children’s lives. They are grieved to be caught in the middle of the Russian adoption ban. They were in the process of bringing precious Vitaliy home when they were blind sided by the new legislation. Sweet Vitaliy is now five years old and has Down syndrome as well as several heart conditions. Vitaliy calls them, “Mama” and “Papa” and is waiting on them to come bring him home. A day after Putin signed the ban, they were given the opportunity to adopt their daughter’s biological brother. Their birth mother changed her mind the week he was due in March and they were unable to adopt him. And they committed to a little boy in Uganda with Cerebral Palsy and Hydrocephalus in June-but due to no fault of their own, his adoption fell through in late 2013. They were just one step away from bringing all three boys home.”
http://reecesrainbow.org/category/sponsorafamily/newcommitments
Guess what happens when an adoptive mommy indulges her adopted 13 year old daughter by letting her stay home from school pretty much all the time… the kid de facto drops out.
The girl was an honor student, in the band, was doing great and then amommy (with a chorus of her trauma mama friends cheering her on) decided it would be great to not make her go to school. For the rest of the school year.
Then again, this is also the adoptive mommy who insists that NOT finding a therapist for this particular girl for 2 years was no biggie, despite the fact that the kid:
– screamed she wanted to kill herself in public
– punched holes in drywall at home
– dumped food/cereal/goodness knows what else as a means of communicating her unhappiness
– was not “forced” to clean up any of the huge messes she made by dumping stuff, lest she be “shamed” by her actions. (Ummmm, trashing the house is BAD BEHAVIOR. A kid who feels ashamed of herself and cleans up as a means of repentence is a kid who might just be a successful grownup one day).
– gained 30+lbs without getting so much as in inch taller in less than 6 mos
http://lastmom.com/mother-daughter-day-relaxation/
Keeping a kid home, away from pesky mandated reporters, is a super-duper great treatment plan. It’ll be soooo much easier for the girl to eventually go back to school when she’s learned that mommy will indulge her in fun trips, pay tons of attention to her and generally let her get away with murder if she throws a big enough tantrum.
Poor kid. Poor poor kid.
Is this the same mom who tried to “heal” her daughter with Nancy Thomas-style “Attachment Therapy”?
Yes – and Princess is way worse! Last Mom let the girl be “homeschooled” which appears to have translated as mentally decompensate to the point the girl won’t leave her room, won’t do school or therapy and will trash the house (holes in walls, food everywhere) again if Last Mom tries to force her to leave her room!
http://lastmom.com/shut-child-wont-leave-room/
Princess was hospitalized yesterday. Poor kid. Poor Last Mom.
Pity that there’s a semi-decent change this was preventable, i.e. if a kid screams they wanna die, it’s probably a good idea to look into it instead of dismissing it as “adolescent angst”. Particularly if the child in question has 1) a history of mental illness and 2) had spent the several months before you adopted her in a psychiatric RTF.
PAPs Brad and Jenny Lotz are at it again – moaning about DRC’s suspension of exit permits and once again failing to recognize that:
-DRC is sovereign nation and thus cannot be forced by the US government to issue exit permits to its own damn citizens
-Americans aren’t entitled to adopt Congolese kids – it’s a privilege that DRC can revoke at any time for any (or no) reason
-Stating that adoptions by foreigners should be expedited as Congolese social services are so scarce as to be non-existent is IRONIC, since those non-existent social services are responsible for verifying that each and every kid referred to a foreign family is genuinely an orphan and in need of a new foreign family.
DRC has legitimate worries about their kids are treated by American adoptive parents. Reuters Child Exchange anyone? Facebook.com/secondchanceadoptions? “Free to a good home”ads on the smilesandtrials.blogspot.com blog?
http://www.honeybunchesoflotz.com/2014/04/letter-writing.html?m=1
Naame, the unfortunate truth is that it wouldn’t be legal for RR or any organization to return funds to the original donors in the event of a family who didn’t follow thru…read the IRS guidelines about how orgs have to have autonomous control over funds, etc.
What’s insane and criminal about Colleen Novit and her latest ranting mess is that she willingly climbed in bed with RR AGAIN in order to gain access to funds for her current adoption, has trashed RR (she doesn’t mention them by name much i nthat blog post does she?) but now is cozy cozy everywhere and completely back in their good graces, so much so that she trashes anyone who is trashing them. All under this guise of “nobodys right” and “everyone’s wrong so let’s just get along.” She may be the most dangerous because she flies with the wind (or the money?) apparently.
RR IS ACTING LIKE AN AGENCY. RR IS UNETHICAL AND SUPPORTS PRESELECTION OF CHILDREN FROM UKRAINE. You can’t toss other organizations (strictly FUNDRAISING) organizations under that bus. Even if a child I wanted to adopt had a million dollar grant attached to them with that org, I would never use them and shame on ANYONE who does.
Renee Alan of Reece’s Rainbow is adopting FIVE (5) more unrelated, high needs, special needs orphans SIMULTANEOUSLY.
Five.
To go along with the 4 unrelated high needs SN orphans she adopted a year or two back.
http://reecesrainbow.org/65949/sponsor3kids
Renee’s now begging for an additional $5k to get her FIVE unrelated newly adopted kids home. Will passing the hat never end? If a supernatural being really wanted her to acquire sooo many kids, wouldn’t it have handed over the cash too:
http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/2014/04/urgent-need.html
(Once home, renee will be homeschooling all NINE of her adopted SN kids, while hubby works. What happens if a kid gets sick? Or needs surgery? Renee + 8 other kids camp out in the ER?!??)
Apparently a Lufthansa Airlines pilot’s strike has sent European airfare costs through the roof. If tickets had remained at their pre-strike level, the Alans would have had enough money for the flight back… well, they would have already have begged for enough money, anyway.
But TWO (!) of the children are so “medically fragile” that they’ll be going into the hospital as soon as their return flight lands. That they have notified doctors to be on the lookout for them puts the Alans several steps above Denise Davis in my book.
These kids are in such bad shape that funds had previously been raised to fly a friend who’s a nurse over to help the Alans on the flight back– making this nurse yet another person who needs a return ticket at inflated prices.
Given this background, it’s only a matter of WHEN a medical emergency occurs with one of the kids. I’m sure that Renee has lots of “supportive” friends with “a heart for adoption” that she can call on to look after her 8 special needs kids at no charge for her. But what happens when THEY pursue their own “rescue adoption”– and suddenly have their own hands too full to drop everything and run to her aid. Or they realize that they’re enabling someone to create circumstances which almost ASSURE that they’ll always be another crisis she needs help with, and decide to pull the plug on the codependency?
It suddenly occurs to me that the difference between Munchausen’s by Proxy and being a child collector of special needs kids may be slighter than we think. At least most child collectors don’t DELIBERATELY hurt their kids, but they DO get a lot of positive attention, sympathy, and offers of help for their selfless “rescuing” of kids. And they get to ride a lot of adrenaline rushes…
Think about it: Isn’t it strange that while Renee Allen knows she was lucky that her last mass adoption of special needs kids was blessed with an unusual amity between the kids, who turned out to be healthier and higher functioning than expected, she almost immediately turns around and pursues another mass adoption, this time of even sicklier and lower functioning kids? Is it possible that the since the first batch didn’t pay off with the drama and mommy martyrdom she expected, she’s decided to load the dice with a selection of “orphans” more likely to deliver the goods?
I know that’s pure speculation, but it makes more sense than any other explanation I’m aware of for her decision to pursue this extremely risky adoption. “Undiagnosed organic brain disease” is my second choice.
It’s stunningly irresponsible of the Alans not to have an emergency fund — the increase in ticket costs isn’t their “fault” and couldn’t be planned for, but, well, that’s what an EMERGENCY fund is for. If it wasn’t the price of tickets, it’d likely be some other kind of emergency that the Alans are unable to manage.
(e.g. my hot water heater unexpectedly died last year — hubby and I have an emergency fund, lost no sleep and wrote a check for $6k. If the Alans hot water heater died, or their roof leaked, or their fridge gave up the ghost, they’d be unable to manage without the kindness/cash of strangers).
Not to mention that it’d be way easier to cope with a quadrupling of airplane ticket costs with only three tickets to purchase instead of eight.
BTW, I can find coverage of the strike, but NOT anything about such a dramatic jump in ticket prices. Admittedly, with two extremely fragile children slated for hospitalization upon touchdown the Alans don’t have much flexibility to search for the best costs… but it’s still strange, don’t you think? Wouldn’t a story about a huge rate increase affecting travelers be a human interest winner?
I’m assuming the jump is because they’re BUYING one-way tix during a strike.
(I’ve never had out if pocket costs as a result of airline strikes — Alitalia went on a wildcat strike last fall, my flight home from Brindisi was cancelled, the airline out everybody up in a nearby hot with dinner vouchers and flew us home the following day).
Update: Renee Alan received all the money she needed for airline tickets for their crowd “with a beautiful cushion”.
http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/2014/04/shriners-bound.html
All giving idiots like renee money (plus “beautiful cushion” money) does is reinforce spectacularly bad, irresponsible behavior!
How will Renee manage 9 high needs SN kids alone all day homeschooling?
Who will stay at the hospital with BOTH brand new kids that are going straight from the plane to the hospital? Is leaving newly adopted kiddos with doctors who will poke them and no mommy/daddy to comfort them a good idea?
How the heck do you homeschool the 7 kids NOT in the hospital while spending time with them in the hospital?!?
Re: “…All giving idiots like renee money (plus “beautiful cushion” money) does is reinforce spectacularly bad, irresponsible behavior!…”
Until and unless the “Christian Adoption” movement’s supporters become willing to use critical thinking skills on ANY aspect of their religious beliefs, such irresponsibility will continue to be rewarded. God always seems to “provide” through the pocketbooks of the soft-hearted. The entire pre-identified adoption crowdfunding scheme runs through creating successive “emergencies” which require money NOW.
What upsets me about that “beautiful cushion”, is that I wonder how many donors gave thinking that more money was still needed to pay for airfare. Did they know that the Alans travel was already fully funded, and they were just “cushion stuffing”?
If they did and just wanted to give the Alans a nice gift, that’s their option. But if they give money they could ill spare from their own budgets thinking it was an emergency– that’s next door to fraud.
Reece’s Rainbow’s very own Kate Parker has been arrested for medical child abuse and is currently being held on $1,000,000 bond:
http://koin.com/2014/04/01/mother-8-arrested-medical-child-abuse-case/
The article notes that “Parker actively sought, and was given, donations through at least one online website” which isn’t named…. but is, SHOCKER, Reece’s Rainbow.
The Parker’s blog seems to have been shut down, but Kate’s begging for cash emails live on at:
http://blog.blogcatalog.com/2010/adopting-from-abroad/
“As the mother of several children with special needs, I was very disturbed by the realization that children in eastern Europe who are born with disabilities are not welcome in society and ultimately, if they are not adopted, they get transferred to mental institutions.
My husband & I looked into adopting through the foster care system, but inquiries about several children were met with closed doors… A short time later, another online friend announced she was adopting a girl withDown syndrome from Ukraine. She introduced me to Reece’s Rainbow (www.reecesrainbow.org), a fantastic organization that facilitates the adoption of orphans with special needs. My family felt led by God to commit to two little girls who both have Down syndrome & other medical conditions and we began the adoption process to adopt internationally”
Kate also enlisted Julia Nalle to beg for money on her behalf:
http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/2010/10/crisis-in-odessa.html
More details on the charges Reece’s Rainbow’s Kate Parker is facing :
http://www.kptv.com/story/25148554/grants-pass-mother-indicted-on-criminal-abuse-computer-crime-charges
Didn’t we talk about Following Closely? She deleted her worst entries which described a history of Pearl-style discipline of the bio-kids at younger ages and lots of personal info about her adopted son Andrew (age 12). She & her husband adopted him not long after the death of another adopted son – medically related, not caused by them, but the grief + parenting a newly adopted traumatized kid did not mesh well. Lots of talk about how Andrew is not the easygoing, amazingly wonderful kid the son who died was.
She’s editing herself a lot more these days but posted a couple things recently that made me feel bad for Andrew again. They’ve adopted an 11-year-old boy who came home a couple months ago and is evidently Just Like the son who died, and is doing wonderful and will be perfectly behaved once he knows more English. Unlike Andrew who is, at least, getting some kind of therapy and help but also needs to stop using his past as an excuse for his behavior already, and choose to move on. She does say he was damaged by caregivers at the orphanage/bio mom, but also compares it to her losing her son & having a friend’s family and her first grade teacher die in a car accident when she was 7.
Her other two adopted sons had traumatic pasts and didn’t have these behaviors, so clearly the one Bad Kid she has needs to take advantage of the support they’re grudgingly giving him and choose to get over it already.
Instead of comparing Andrew to her son who died, now any post that talks about him compares him to the newly adopted son.
http://followingclosely.blogspot.com/2014/04/im-just-going-to-say-it.html
http://followingclosely.blogspot.com/2014/03/pressing-toward-mark.html
Parenting orphans who realize that they’re supposed to be grateful for being rescued– and show it ostentatiously with lots of shmoozing and cuddling– is so much more rewarding than dealing with a traumatized kid who acts like a traumatized kid. /sarc
Apparently, she doesn’t consider the possibility that Matthew is playing on her vanities like a master manipulator.
I think she was the one where I read an entry about some of the issues they were having and thought “Man, that kid needs to be evaluated for an FASD. Those are obvious and classic symptoms.” Of course, now I can’t find the stuff that made me think that, so I can’t be sure if it was a deleted entry on her blog, or it was a different blog. Still, it illustrates why it’s not fair to be comparing kids to each other, or yourself. If Andrew does have an FASD, of COURSE he’s going to have issues that a neurotypical child will not. And it would be beyond unfair to expect him to be like an NT child if he has brain damage.
It was probably her. She had a lot more posts up before getting called out on them, partly for violating his privacy. He sounds like he has some developmental stuff going on + the trauma history, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it were FASD. She still seems convinced he could stop behaving like a traumatized kid if he just wanted to badly enough.
He used to go to a small private Christian school (I think run by a church the blogger works for) and now I think they homeschool him. I’m glad she’s mentioning therapy, but considering the crazy therapies out there for adopted kids I am not too encouraged.
I do worry about the new son a bit too – he’s only been home 2 months, what happens long term? If he has times where he’s not charming and playing into what Mom wants, does he get to join Andrew in the Ungrateful Bad Adoptees group?
Where we talked about her before:
https://reformtalk.net/2013/03/08/blog-gag-me-5/
Their church:
http://pamshouseblend.firedoglake.com/2012/05/02/beat-your-gay-kids-n-c-pastor-sean-harris-cant-even-keep-his-excuses-straight/
They’re disrupting Andrew, the Ukrainian boy they adopted to full the “void” when Brandon, the first Ukrainian boy they adopted, died mere months after they brought him home:
http://followingclosely.blogspot.com/2014/05/when-orphan-care-makes-your-heart-hurt.html
“Any major heart’s pain that I’ve experienced in the last several years of my life has to do with caring for orphans. If I’d never reached out to adopt, I never would have grieved my son, Brandon’s death, because I never would have met him. I would have never known the rejection of traveling across the world only to be told “No” by Maxim and Roman, whom we’d prayed about adopting for over 6 months. We’d never have “lost” Nestor because of his unknown brother not written into our home study. I’d never feel the sting and vulnerability of opening up my heart wide to love our host son, Artem, only to arrive in Ukraine too late to adopt him. I’d never had to witness first hand in my home the destruction that radiates from generation to generation because of drug & alcohol abuse as well as poverty.
More recently we would have never experienced the blow of hearing from a therapist and case worker that perhaps Andrew might be “better off” living in another family. We are not at liberty to disclose why it came to that, because now it is only Andrew’s story to tell, but it hurt to have to say “good bye” to yet another boy. We did not “give up” on Andrew, but rather recognized that sometimes loving a child means letting him go. It is not how we’d imagined our story with Andrew ending, but God’s mercy and grace showed forth so clearly that it left us all with a sense of incredible peace in this entire situation.
Though there has been a great deal of pain centered on orphan care in our family, I wouldn’t change this journey for the world. I would do it all again in a heartbeat! God has blessed our family tremendously through the adventures of adoption. What joy these boys have brought into our lives as we’ve watched them grow and adapt to a new culture and family! What excitement it brings when we watch children heal from their past and embrace new found love! It’s neat to be able to teach them and watch them learn. It is priceless to see their faces when we give them possessions that they want and also even when we provide basic needs for these little guys.
I also wouldn’t change the outcome for anything in the world. We have had the wonderful opportunity to point these boys to Christ. Additionally, even if I had the possibility to call Brandon back from Heaven, I would not. For me to take Brandon back from perfection would be both selfish and unkind. If given the chance to switch Matthew for Artem, I also would not, because Artem chose his family and Matthew belongs in ours. No doubt Artem brings great joy to his family, and we adore our sweet Matthew as much as our own bio-children. We are thankful for Matthew’s life and the laughter he brings into our home. If I could have clung to Andrew with all of my strength, I also would not, because he belongs in the family God prepared for him for 12 years. Never in Andrew’s life has he been as happy and fit as seamlessly well as he does in his family right now. He is finally at peace and finally thriving in a way that I have no doubt he will reach better healing from his past. Only our merciful and loving God could orchestrate such PERFECT details in his life.
I don’t expect anyone to understand this fully. I am not even going to try to explain it. However, I am thankful for all that I have learned in our darkest days. I am thankful for the prayer warriors who have supported us and proved themselves to be faithful to help us through these trials. Not a penny was wasted, not a tear fell in vain and not a moment was lost. Rather it was all an investment into these boys and their souls that will live on in eternity.
Our hearts are heavy, but we are also humbled by God’s goodness and grace. We are not open to questions or negative comments. What we do need is prayer and support regardless of any opinion you may have. Please pray for our family of 6, for Andrew and also for his new family as we all adjust. We are choosing not to see this all as a sad ending, but rather a new beginning in all of our lives. Still, it hurts.
Philippians 1:6
“Being confident of this very thing: that He who began a good work in you will continue to PERFECT it until the day of Christ.””
I can’t help but be relieved for Andrew’s sake– he’s got to be better off in a family where he’s not continually being negatively compared to the “good” adoptees.
I admit I’m a little worried about Matthew; what if he gets recast as the new “family scapegoat” after Andrew’s departure? And either way, the object lesson that his “forever family” is willing to dispose of kids who don’t come up to standard is hardly likely to increase his sense of security.
It doesn’t seem that the APs have learned anything that makes then doubt the “Adoption Ministry” paradigm. They’ve “pointed these boys to Christ”– that makes up for all the suffering they’ve put Andrew through.
Though they HAVE learned that they can make their blogs private– pity they didn’t think of doing that while they were oversharing embarrassing details about Andrew.
I worry about Matthew too, and I really hope Andrew’s new family is more caring and tries to get him whatever help he must need. He went through a lot before coming to the U.S. and he went through a lot here with Carinda and her husband.
I hope the “case worker” and others helped to find and check out this new placement for him – the last thing that poor kid needs is to be living with people sought out and approved by his former family without outside support and checks.
Poor Matthew.
She has posted for the world and him, one day, to read how he isn’t the child she wanted. She had “pre-selected” a boy she had hosted. He had already been adopted.
“We were so heartbroken and disappointed about Artem… However, running out of time in our hour-long appointment we took (Matthew’s) referral. “
“… but decided to decline this boy even after we signed for the referral”
“We ended up deciding to come home empty-handed”
They did later decide to adopt him. After some time at home.
Speaking of Andrew, this was the same little boy who was her “first choice” the time they adopted him, too:
“It was heartbreaking to not be able to adopt little Artem…. The adjustment with Andrew has not been easy on any of us. He is a damaged little boy”
She does seem to be blogging less, lately. Maybe because:
“we have left behind the honeymoon stage…There are a few areas about him where we are having to adjust some things”
http://followingclosely.blogspot.ca/2013/10/our-3rd-adoption-story-shorter-version.html
http://followingclosely.blogspot.ca/2013/11/the-time-we-came-home-empty-handed-from.html
http://followingclosely.blogspot.ca/2014/02/our-adoption-timeline.html
http://followingclosely.blogspot.ca/2013/01/365-days.html
http://followingclosely.blogspot.ca/2014/07/5-months-home.html
Isn’t it… interesting (that seems like the wrong word)… that she wrote this in one of her previous posts:
“Adoption is sensitive in Ukraine right now because of the abuse cases and a few deaths caused by abusive parents. Adoption is negative because of “re-homing” and children being passed around like “puppies or kittens.”
http://followingclosely.blogspot.ca/2013/10/our-3rd-adoption-story-shorter-version.html
It is WRONG the family was allowed to adopt again –TWICE, again.
Of the 2 ‘replacement” for Brandon Ukrainain boys the acquired, they ‘rehomed’.
Kids adopted by their family have a 33% chance of dying and 33% chance of getting rehomed. Scary
“Funny story, we were teasing Matthew that in America this shot is really large and they give it in the bum. He laughed it off and pretended like he didn’t care. He’s a very cocky boy, so he tries not to let on that he’s gullible. We ended up down at the Health Department because the shot is free there and they can do it on short notice. While we were there, I had Kylie’s shot done also since she is entering 6th grade. I told the nurse about our teasing for Matthew and she played along. Matthew was first up and she put her rubber gloves on said, “All right, Big Guy, drop ’em and bend over.” The look on his face was pure panic because Kylie was sitting right there and he did NOT want to drop his drawers in front of her (or me). I was thankful to capture his exact expression on camera. He sure does tease everyone else an awful lot. We got him good this time!”
Wow. Really?!?
Amom,
Anyone know how to make a screen capture of this entry and e-mail it to CPS?
PAPs this emotionally immature should NEVER have passed a home study. This is another reason that we need a national standards for home studies– with meaningful financial and/or legal penalties if a child suffers abuse or neglect in a home they approved. Or is disrupted…
http://followingclosely.blogspot.ca/2014/02/our-adoption-timeline.html
“So our timeline went like this:
January 14th 2013: Dropped Artem off at the airport after Winter Hosting
(We declined the 1st SDA appointment waiting for Artem to become available)
October 14th: 2nd SDA appointment. Found out Artem was already adopted. We were handed the giant book full of boys. Tim and I were still shocked. We felt we needed to come home, pray, talk to the kids about their feelings about adopting “blind.”
October 15th: Came home.
October 16th-November: God worked separately in both Tim and my hearts, speaking HIS will to us regarding this new boy
November 13th: Terrified, not entirely supported by on-lookers, yet in faith we obeyed HIS call for our lives and flew back to Ukraine
November 22nd: Met Matthew
November 25th: Said yes
November 27th: Matthew said yes
November 28th: Flew home
January 29th: Carinda flew back to Kiev
January 30th: GOTCHA DAY!!!Went to the bank to draw out Matthew’s money
They pursued Matthew because God “spoke his will”, not because they wanted to themselves. Saviour complex much?!? And what is with them traveling to a foreign country, convincing Matthew to leave his bio family (she said he had a bdad who wanted custody in a previous post that she deleted) and then flying home without bonding with their new child? Irresponsible and entitled. And finally, glad they got to take Matthew money as a parting gift. I am sure they donated it to Matthew’s orphanage because that is what someone who truly cares for orphans would do…
I hope that he has a better life in their family than Andrew did.
Astrin – Use the “print screen” button on your keyboard!
Thanks! But I think I used the wrong phrasing– I wanted to know how to save a link to the “cached” version of the page so I can retrieve it when the AP realizes that the “cute” anecdote reveals how mean-spirited and cruel she is to a traumatized boy on the cusp of puberty and deletes the entry.
After my outrage has cooled, I realize that it’s not something that any CPS dept would handle– at least not for a white, affluent Christian family, let alone Saintly Rescue Adopters. (Even ones who reveal themselves to be far short of saintly.)
Also, I forgot that this isn’t my ideal world, in which there are enough well-trained social workers that they can send one to the house to educate the AP about appropriate and inappropriate disciplinary methods and reasonable expectations. Today’s social workers only approved interventions are 1) taking kids into foster care, and 2) threatening to take kids into foster care. Neither of these actions is in Matthew’s best interests. What he needs is his APs to become less focused on their own emotional issues, and more empathic and respectful of the kids they adopt.
Ah, well– maybe his next APs will be, after the FollowingClosely parents disrupt him. I think the writing is on the wall for Matthew already.
Another person who should never, ever have been approved to adopt again is a Renee Tam, aka Amy Renee Smith, a severely mental ill woman who had her nursing revoked and who merrily abandoned her biological son because she GASP did NOT wanna deal with his SN!
Interesting tidbit on Renee Tam’s nursing license:
http://theadoptionspotlight.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/serge-zevlever-andrea-roberts-man-in-ukraine/comment-page-1/#comment-518
She adopted Russian Paisley with DS, Ukrainian Evan with HIV and now demands cash from strangers to acquire a Chinese baby girl with DS !
http://www.youcaring.com/adoption-fundraiser/mo-staches-for-millie/224539
It’s a recipe for disaster. Her 2 soon to be 3 adopted SN kids are likely coasting on borrowed time!! Renee will get note and dump all those kids in foster care! Or oopsie let them drown!
She deleted this post, but still I feel the need to comment. I am an amom, but I have never felt like I was rescuing my adopted kids. I realize that on the days they joined our family, they were experiencing a huge loss. I don’t understand how this family can complain about “heart’s pain” from “caring for orphans” when they have caused so much pain in their adoption mission.
– Maxim and Roman were pitted against each other while trying to convince them to join their family when they didn’t want to. Didn’t they know they had been prayed for for months? How rude.
– Nestor who was “loved” was rejected because he had a brother (at least he never met the family).
– What happened during hosting to turn Artem off from joining their family? He agreed to being adopted by someone else instead of waiting for them
– Even if you believe in Heaven, it doesn’t change the fact that Brandon suffered with internal bleeding for 24 hours before dying a painful death alone in a bathroom. I think they do love Brandon, but it doesn’t change what happened.
– Andrew… well, where to start
– Matthew is now being publicly shamed on the internet. She deleted the part about the immunization, but it still happened and will happen again.
– Not to mention Brandon’s and Matthew’s bio families, Andrew’s new family, and who knows who else.
But it is worth it because they could “point these boys to Christ”, and they wouldn’t change anything. Nothing? At all? And that Bible quote at the end of the post, does she mean that they will keep going through orphans until Jesus picks the right one?
I just started reading this blog in the last few months and it drives me crazy! I can’t believe I haven’t seen talk about it on other sites.
Mrs Following Closely, let the adopted kid die in agony on the bathroom floor before adopting replacements who may well turn out to be disposible… well, she’s got something to say about that!
“The very reliable, professor approved and endorsed website called Wikipedia defines “trolling” as “the practice of behaving in a deceptive, destructive, or disruptive manner in a social setting on the Internet with no apparent instrumental purpose.” It would seem that I have a group of trolls who regularly visit my blog with no “apparent purpose” other than to mock and criticize me and my family. This blog is not for trolls. It is designed to keep family, friends and other adoptive families all over the globe abreast on the happenings of our family. It is designed to give a clear picture of any difficulties of life after adoption and to show our family and friends how best to pray for us. I am very candid on this blog while trying not to embarrass any of my children or publicly ridicule them. It is so other parents going through similar situations know it’s normal to feel this way or that. The behavior of adopted children and how we must respond to adoptive children is sometimes completely different than bio-children. Ultimately I hope this blog challenges and encourages its readers.
These trolls and websites have somehow tagged our family as evil child abusers who do every, single thing wrong as parents. After a little digging I found out that my trolls go by the fake online names like “Astrin” and “Amom” and a few other names. They have a reputation of criticizing not only me, but lots of people to include the Duggar Family and several other adoptive families. I’m actually a bit flattered by the fact that I’m placed in the same category as the Duggar family. Thank you for that. I happen to think that the Duggars are an exceptional family with wonderful, respectful and beautiful children and an awesome marriage. Rather than accusing of them of “breeding like rats,” perhaps we should thank them for raising their children in such a way that they love God and other human beings. The Duggars and their children are generous and kind in every action. They are wonderful contributors in society and I doubt you will find any of their children doing drugs, getting in trouble with police or murdering mankind. Trolls, I’m humbled that not only do you trolls take the time to read every post of this blog, but also critique it when you could easily be doing other things with your time such as working a real job, or taking care of your own family because obviously you are the best father or mother in the whole wide world. The fact that my blog is worthy of your scarce time is truly humbling.
These particular trolls find it emotionally abusive if adoptive parents laugh or joke with their adopted children, even though they have no clue that these adoptive children thrive with laughter. It’s amazing that these cowards think that with 2 master’s degrees under our belts and 13+ years of parental experience that we do not have enough common sense or “emotional maturity” to tell if a child is emotionally ready for teasing. The idea of picking on a child with alleged no understanding of humor is ridiculous, but thank you for caring for our children’s emotions.
The trolls and gossips criticize adoptive parents with “child collection” for the sake of winning praise or favor from onlookers. They feel adoptive parents get some kind of rush. I can see how someone with a misconstrued worldview would draw that kind of conclusion because children really are a blessing and a lot of fun. However, most of the families being criticized are not caring for orphans in this world for a rush. They are serving these children because they love the Lord and they love other human beings on the planet and they genuinely want to change the world, one life at a time. Every orphaned child deserves a family. Not only are these adoptive families doing the best they can, but the majority of the ones I’ve seen you trolls criticize are actually exceptionally elite families, gifted in love and compassion which is so rare in our world today. They are preciousand some of the most generous families in our entire country. I have no doubt when they get to heaven if they are born-again believers, God will tell them, “Well done, you good and faithful servants.” Adoptive families, keep up the good work! Trolls, what will God say to you about vicious hateful words online? Don’t believe in God? I will tell you what you’ll hear: “Depart from Me, you workers of iniquity.”
My lovely trolls are convinced that we are going to disrupt or “re-home” Matthew. I am absolutely 100% against disrupting and rehoming thriving adoptive kids, so thank you for that concern, but you can stop spreading that lie now: We will not be disrupting Matthew.
I will say, though, there are many adoptive parents with very unique situations where the child is not thriving. This idea of disruption in unique situations is NOT my own opinion or idea based on emotions or your perceived stupidity on my part. It is a viewpoint based on many books I’ve read and it has been formed only after speaking with child counselors, therapists, case workers and other experts who deal with adopted kids and those children with any kind of trauma. If a child is posing a DANGER to a family such as sexually abusing other bio or adopted children in the home, if a child is setting the house on fire or trying to kill others in the home, if a child is obsessed with knives and threatening to murder themselves or other individuals in the home, if the child has raped another member of the family, if a child is psychologically tormenting other children in the home or anything along these lines, and the child is not responding to professional help, the child needs to go—according to the expert advice of adoption therapists and case workers.
It is about setting down pride and doing what is best and safest for ALL THE MEMBERS of the family. Obviously it is NOT IDEAL for a family to rehome an adopted child. It is definitely NOT a first choice the minute an adopted child has a bad day. However, when a case worker says to a family, “Either this ONE dangerous child goes, or I am removing ALL of your children from the home because it is not safe due to this one child,” that advice MUST be headed. Along those lines, if a choice given by a case worker is “Either this child can go into foster care with complete strangers, he/she can go to a group home or you can try to find another family willing to adopt this child,” the obvious choice is to find another family willing able to adopt and handle the child. It is not best for the child to be passed around in foster care. Stability is best. It is best to screen out new families very well to see if they can meet that child’s needs. Perhaps a child is sexually abusive to younger children. That child needs to be placed in a home with NO SMALL children on which they can prey upon. Finding a new home for a child like this is not “flippantly passing around a child like a pet.” It is a decision bathed in prayer and it is genuinely seeking to care for a child with unique needs while not harming other children in the process. A new environment with a fresh new slate in most cases will cause most children like this thrive.
I personally know two children who did not do well in the first adoptive home for one reason or another and both of these had legitimate safety concerns as mentioned above. Every single day was a battle in these families for protection and healing. The entire families were headed off a cliff. These two families finally came to the conclusion after professional counsel that they should set aside their pride of thinking they can fix this child, and rather try to find another family where the children could thrive. Both children found another family and have absolutely thrived in the second home. Love is not clinging to a child with a death grip thinking you are some sort of awesome savior who can just love a child enough. Love is about doing what is best for that child, even when the decision is not one you would prefer. Trolls, what makes you think that you know better than professionals or those families actually living out the circumstances? What makes you think you know more than God? You are out of line and exceptionally arrogant.
As far as abuse, I cannot find any reason any troll would think we beat or otherwise abuse our children. No child has ever been beaten in our home with rods. I have not read any book called “To Train Up a Child” and certainly do not endorse any anger-based, barbaric behavior described on your troll sites. We do not believe in beating children. They are not cattle. They are little human beings with very tender feelings. We have never bruised our children, ever. We do not verbally abuse our children. We do not call our children names. We do not tell our children they are stupid or otherwise ridicule their persons. We do our best to model in our marriage respect for one another and do not call each other names. We do not tell our children to “shut up.” We do not neglect our kids. We treat our children how we would like to be treated. We do not curse. We do not drink or smoke. We make these choices intentionally because we believe our home should be a haven from the outside world seeking to destroy them. We are not perfect parents, but we do our best to love each of them individually and how they prefer to be loved. We hug on them and praise them far more than we criticize them. We meet them where they are emotionally and physically. We help them in the areas they need help. We will stop at nothing to bend over backwards to place any and every resource we can in their hands if we feel it will help them. We encourage them in the areas they are strong and we challenge them where they are weaker. We pray for them every day. We provide every basic need and even go above that to give them things they want as the budget allows. These kids, who have been through a lot in their young lives, are happy and thriving and we owe that to the Lord. Anyone that knows our family personally would agree. We are doing the best we can with the children God has given us.
So trolls, thank you for your time and concern, but really you can let it go now. Anger, bitterness and destructive criticism is not good for your health, so maybe you could use your spare time more effectively dealing with your own emotional issues for your own sake. Again, this blog is not for trolls, but usually written or for you, but if you have a problem with me and would like to speak with me directly, followingclosely@gmail.com is where you can find me. Blogspot does not have a way for me to answer Anonymous comments. Fake screen names and deceptive gossip for the purpose of making our family look bad is really cowardly and disrespectful. Good luck with giving up the gossip. Bad habits are sometimes hard to break. Speaking positively and encouraging people will make you feel better about yourself. Try it, you may just smile and find a sense of humor along the way.”
Amom, if their blog drives you nuts, then why do you waste your time reading the rubbish?
Since I found Following Closely I’ve read the whole thing. I’ve read the deleted stuff that people have put other places. It bugs me but it doesn’t affect me so I’m gonna let it go. Cue the Frozen music. I think it’s a good thing that before aparents post they think “what would Reform Talk think about what I am going to put out there.”
However, what I said was harsh. I’m an amom too and I know how hard it is. I totally agree that parenting akids is a different ball game. I’m not perfect myself I was worked up and I took it too far. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings Following Closely.
Amom, I truly appreciate the apology. It really hit the quick of my heart when you were describing my dear son’s death on the floor of the bathroom, alone. Trust me, I have wept uncontrollably for almost 3 years regarding my sweet boy. I pray he was not suffering for 20 hours. I pray somehow it didn’t hurt. He never said anything hurt and this is from a boy who complained about paper cuts for days even when they were healed. He said many times. “Oh, Mom, I have the flu. I have the flu.” And we’ve all had the flu, so I hope he did not suffer. Again, as adoptive parents we are doing the best we can to care for these children and I pray your adoptive babies never die. It hurts so incredibly bad and I buried a part of me when I buried Brandon. God is faithful.
Carlee, Hi, this is Brandon’s Mom. I realize we all have freedom of speech, but I would really appreciate it if you would not describe his death as dying in agony. I’m sure you have had someone in your family die before, and you would not appreciate someone online saying that they died in agony. Brandon never once said he had any pain in his final hours. He was complaining about having the flu. If I had known he was hurt or dying I obviously would have taken him to the hospital. You cannot SEE internal bleeding. He never told us he fell or was hurt. I pray he did not die in agony. I was 10 feet away on the other side of the door, so I hope he felt I was near and Jesus came for him. You can speak your mind, but you do not need to use hateful words when dealing with a real family and real people who are already hurting. God Bless You and your family.
I appreciate the apology and accept it. I will definitely do better to make postings based on some of the constructive criticism I’ve heard from you guys. I want to be real though because I do not want parents adopting because every blog portrays adoption as some walk in the park. As an adoptive mom, you know that is extremely difficult, but so worth it! What hurt my feelings most is when you spoke as Brandon’s death as torturous. That is something I have wept over many times. I hope he did not die in pain. He never complained about pain in his final 20 hours of life. He just said he had the flu. He was so precious and sweet and I hate the thought of how I found him, but it’s burned in my mind. My heart can’t take the pain some times. I pray you never lose one of your children because it is the worst pain you will ever experience….unkind words are like salt to the open wound. God Bless You.
FollowingClosely —
Your son Brandon died in agony. Have you googled the injury he had?
How painful it was?
How scared he must have been?
I apologise for NOTHING.
You do not seem to apologise for DUMPING REHOMING DISRUPTING the 1st Ukrainian kid you adopted to replace Bradon.
The one you said had RAD, that wrote nasty things about ALL over your PUBLIC blog, how you DUMPED the kid you adopted 5 mos after Brandon died.
How you scrubbed all mention of the replacement ex kid from your blog??
You are horrible. Awful. Vile and terrible.
you deserve every single bad thing you;ve got coming your way.
I hope you think of Brandon EVERY DAY. How he died.
I hope you think of the Ukrainian boy (Andrew?? Possibly??) you disrupted.
Matthew better behave himself since is so clearly on BORROWED time.
He’ll do something to annoy you and you will dump him too!
Annnnd she’s also put up a long rant about trolls. You and I were specifically named! I’m so proud.
http://followingclosely.blogspot.ca/2014/08/the-blogpost-about-and-to-internet.html
“… The very reliable, professor approved and endorsed website called Wikipedia defines “trolling” as “the practice of behaving in a deceptive, destructive, or disruptive manner in a social setting on the Internet with no apparent instrumental purpose.” It would seem that I have a group of trolls who regularly visit my blog with no “apparent purpose” other than to mock and criticize me and my family…”
Oh, we HAVE an instrumental purpose! It’s to bring attention to the need for home study reform. You should NEVER have been approved to adopt again so soon after Brandon’s death.
“…This blog is not for trolls. It is designed to keep family, friends and other adoptive families all over the globe abreast on the happenings of our family…”
Free speech is a two-way street. You’re free to say what you like, and other people are free to criticize and dispute what you say. Don’t like it? Make your blog private.
“… I am very candid on this blog while trying not to embarrass any of my children or publicly ridicule them…”
You aren’t succeeding.
“…These trolls and websites have somehow tagged our family as evil child abusers who do every, single thing wrong as parents…”
No, only when you negatively compare one child to another. And when you adopt kids while still grieving another child’s death. Also when you subsequently disrupt kids that you adopted while grieving. And when you reveal embarrassing personal information on your PUBLIC blog about the soon-to-be-disrupted child.
“…These particular trolls find it emotionally abusive if adoptive parents laugh or joke with their adopted children…”
You weren’t laughing WITH Matthew, you were laughing AT him. You knew he would be horrified at the thought of being humiliated that way, and engineered the little performance because he was too “cocky” to suit you.
And if you can’t see how that particular scenario would be triggering to a child with a history of sexual abuse– and you can’t be certain he doesn’t– then it DOES raise questions about your qualifications for older child adoption. Your “2 master’s degrees and 13+ years of parental experience” don’t give you mindreading abilities OR a sense of humor that goes past schadenfreude.
“…The trolls and gossips criticize adoptive parents with “child collection” for the sake of winning praise or favor from onlookers. They feel adoptive parents get some kind of rush…”
Yes, and we base that on their own published statements and self-described actions.
Astrin, I’m assuming you think you know Matthew personally when you accuse that he is being “triggered” to emotional whatever. I assure you he was laughing along. He played along. He can tell we are teasing and he teases back. If you knew him personally you would know that he is a humorous kid and very much loves jokes and appreciates banter back and forth and we are all laughing. You are drawing conclusions when you say he was sexually abused. Please don’t assume details like that because it’s cruel. BTW, in Ukraine, they give all the shots in the bum, so he was glad to have it in the arm. Our kids have read the blog and they are not embarrassed. We put the entries in a journal book. I asked if any of the entries were embarrassing, if there were any they’d rather not have on there and they said they were not embarrassed. But thanks for your concern. Matthew is extremely thankful that we were approved for a home study. He is having a blast and growing and thriving. He has said numerous times “Thank you for coming to Ukraine. I love America, my church, my friends, my school and mostly my family.” Trust me when I say the home study agency scrutinized our family closely before allowing the adoptions so close to Brandon’s death. They interviewed neighbors, family, friends and gave us extra rules like moving the boys downstairs and the girls upstairs and the whole works. We had psych evaluations to make sure we are mentally stable. I appreciated how thorough they were. Perhaps it’s my lack of writing skills or an editor, but I do not mean to portray our family in a negative light. I wish we could meet in person sometime. I think you’d find we aren’t all that horrible and we legitimately love our children, orphans and caring for them. You don’t have to worry about us child collecting. We feel for now, donating our time and money to other families who are adopting. We have already sent money to organizations who buy supplies for orphanages and teach and disciple orphans about ready to age out. If you’re interested in doing the same, I’ll be posting links to organizations who are trustworthy. For starters we work with Show Hope, which I’m sure you are aware..
Um… I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I haven’t faulted you for Brandon’s death. Yes, I was initially suspicious, but I dropped that suspicion after a little more research.
I do concede that the “notify CPS” reaction was overblown. I have a sense of humor, but I’ve never found humor that involves someone being scared, hurt, or humiliated funny. And maybe you’re not aware of this, but a nurse putting on rubber gloves and telling a pubescent boy to “drop trou and bend over” does NOT evoke the impression that she’s going to administer a shot. Matthew’s shocked expression doesn’t change that impression. Just sayin’.
But I continue to maintain that you should NOT have been approved to adopt again so soon after Brandon’s death. I’m not a parent, but I’ve read enough to know that experiencing a child’s death is MAJOR. No matter how “mentally stable” you are, trying to bond to a new internationally adopted child while still grieving a lost child is a bad idea. I deplore adoption policies that allow such placements to even be considered.
Do you honestly think that there’s no connection between your adopting so soon after Brandon’s death, and Andrew winding up being disrupted?
I don’t know if you’ve read enough to realize it, but you won the lottery of international adoption for getting a child who was such a perfect match for your family as Brandon. That’s definitely NOT the norm. Poor Andrew is far more typical. That was yet another reason that ANY child you adopted in the wake of Brandon’s death was bound to be a disappointment.
I hope Matthew works out, but it’s scary as an onlooker to see you beginning to criticize his flaws right after Andrew is out of the picture. He’s not going to be able to be Brandon any more than Andrew was.
FollowingCloselyMom,
Sorry, I missed replying to some of your concerns. I’m having to work around not having a ‘Reply’ link, and it throws me.
I do get that your concern for unparented children in Eastern Europe is sincere, and that you only want to help.
I don’t agree with the Rescue Adoption meme that the best and preferred means of helping is always adoption by American PAPs. Sometimes it is, and it works out great, and I read the blogs where it does with a lump in my throat.
But there are problems and abuses in the international adoption world besides which “ethically disrupting a child adopted too soon after a child death” is nothing. Poor parents in Africa and Asia have their children kidnapped for the international adoption trade after innocently accepting a missionary orphanage’s offer to take care of their child for awhile until their financial situation improves. Or maybe they view orphanages as charitable free boarding schools, giving their child an education which will help them have a better life. Or maybe they agree to “adoption” under the impression it’s a student exchange program, and their kids will be coming home soon.
If you’ll look at this site’s home screen, you’ll see that a lot of the cases recently posted involve physical and sexual abuse in AMERICAN FOSTER HOMES. That’s one reason I regret my “notify CPS” crack: Kids are being taken into care for trivial reasons which could be addressed with a little parent education, and winding up being raped or killed. This is so horribly wrong that there are no words.
Maybe we overfocus on your case because some things hurt too much to think about. It’s easier to just snark. I’m sorry.
FollowingClosely, he never said that Matthew was triggered or that Matthew was ever sexually abused. Rather, it was pointed out that you can’t be sure that it never happened, given that children in care tend to have rates of sexual abuse well above that of the general population (where it’s already too high) and that some children with a history of sexual abuse of will be further traumatized in such a situation.
Terrie,
Actually, I’m female– but you get kudos for recognizing the fandom! ;-D
And also for getting the point I was making. The one thing you know for sure about international adoption is that you don’t know anything for sure. 🙁
Reece’s Rainbow’s Shelly Burman’s adopted son Benjamin died at the age of 2 this week – he was adopted domestically and she’s requesting more donations!
May the poor kid RIP!
http://circleofhopehuntsvil.wix.com/cohcare#!burman-family-support/czp1
The lovely adoptive mommy who adopted Ariam from Ethiopia, then decided there was too much fraud/corruption in ET to adopt from there again, so decided to adopt… Haiti… with Heather Elyse!
Because Heather was a Christian, who had a nice website, this experienced adoptive mommy decided it’d be a truly terrific idea to hire her to facilitate her adoption of little AJ… despite the fact that Heather was NOT licensed to facilitate adoptions, was NOT affiliated with legitimate agency and wasn’t even authorized by the government of Haiti to do adoption-related work.
Pretty scary, eh? That an educated woman who has adopted before and claims to care deeply about ethics in adoption… didn’t bother to take two seconds to verify that she’d hired a QUALIFIED person??
At-the-watershed-blog.blogspot.com/moving-on.html
Then there was some kid of paperwork mess up, courtesy of Heather… so you know what she did? Amom demanded money from strangers on the internet to complete her adoption!
She left AJ (her legal son) in Haiti and paid some friends to care for the kid… occasionally turning up to visit him, with Ariam in tow.
What does this teach adopted kids about families?
That it’s cool to leave a kid a foreign country, pay others to care for them and turn up for a week here or a week there. For a year.
That it is acceptable to hire corrupt, unqualified people to facilitate your adoption.
That amom and adad don’t actually care if their new kidlets are trafficked… because they’re happy to pay anybody with a pulse to expedite their adoption.
While the going away message is indeed lovely… there’s a pretty good chance they are saying auf widersten to dump one or both of the kids quietly.
I don’t think that’s the case. I’ve been reading her blog off and on since she’s brought home Ariam, and she never struck me as the type to disrupt. She once wrote a blog post about turning down her dream job because it meant Ariam couldn’t go, or something (I can’t remember all the details). I just think you’re wrong with this family.
@FollowingCloselyMom, I would also like to apologize for posting on here in the past in a manner that was disproportionately harsh, regarding some of your blog content. It was a long while back, but it has bugged me as it was over the top and posted in anger, and so totally negated any point I was trying to make as well as just being really rather dickheaded for want of a better word. I see you’ve reached out on here to others, so I’d like put forward an overdue apology, for what it’s worth.
Thank you. That is very kind of you. I respect you as apologizing takes great character.