How Could You? Hall of Shame-Russian Adoptee Death
This will be an archive of heinous actions by those involved in child welfare, foster care and adoption. We forewarn you that these are deeply disturbing stories that may involve sex abuse, murder, kidnapping and other horrendous actions.
One of the types of cases that this column tracks is child deaths in order to memorialize them as well as identify solutions to prevent future occurrences. We unfortunately are aware of several suicides of international adoptees that have occurred this year but we only mention those that make it to the public domain. Hat tip to a reader for forwarding this one on.
From Lansing, Michigan, this case is of 17-year-old Russian adoptee Ilya Kitching, who died on October 19, 2012 . He was adopted four years ago. It is mentioned on a few public blogs here and here. At the second link you can find a method to donate to burial and funeral costs.
REFORM Puzzle Piece
We offer a free mental health package resource on our home page (see pdf here ) made up of several posts including suicide prevention and family support. This is one topic that is never covered in preadoption training and still is taboo to discuss in postadoption groups.
I get that you want to keep track of the adoptees who died, but is it really necessary to list this child under the “How Could You? Hall of Fame” series?
This is not one of those crazy adoptive families who walled their kids off from society and got into crazy power games. They actually recognized that their kid was having issues and tried to get him help. They didn’t write his hallucinations off as spiritual failings or insist on religious “healing” only. They sought help from mainstream medical facilities–and ran into a lot of roadblocks getting it. After several false starts, they were able to get their son some inpatient treatment to try to get the psychosis stabilized. And when the mainstream mental health folks thought it was safe for Ilya to live in an outpatient, home environment, they sent him home. Unfortunately those folks were wrong.
You’re right. The suicides of these adoptees is a serious concern and it needs to be tracked. There does need to be preadoptive training on mental health problems, including those that kids who have experienced trauma might be at greater risk for.
But your Hall of Shame post? That’s below the belt. The shame is that as a society, we don’t take mental health seriously and there are all sorts of barriers to treatment for those who need it the most. It’s not that this family’s son died despite their best efforts to save him. I feel so bad for them that they might find themselves listed among the rest of the folks who populate this list.
This post is not below the belt whatsoever. Yes, we stated that mental health services are not part of the preadoption education and that is why we have put together the list of resources for mental health including suicide and put it into this post. We didn’t say that this is a “crazy adoptive family” and this column is about ALL failings which again we stated to be in this case lack of mental health resources. These cases are the children’s cases, not for the adults. Many times we don’t know the name of the children so we need to label it with the adult in the matter.We only label them because there are hundreds and we need to find them when they need to be updated and so others can find them. We place puzzle pieces and commentary on each case because each case is different.We have many in which the adoptive parents are victims as well. We distinguish the child deaths and injuries in our summaries.
Then why did you title it “How Could You?”
All child deaths in foster care and adoption are classified this way as I explained. The intro explains that the fault lies in those involved in foster care and adoption to purposely make it broad. Sometimes it is the CPS or mental health system that is at fault and we don’t assign percentages of blame in cases even though many cases have a lot of blame to go around.We try to address the underlying issues and as we mentioned in this case a big one is access and lack of resources for suicide.
Perhaps you should come up with another method of classifying them, then. “How could you?” certainly implies that actual individuals at at fault (hence the “you”).
And your little quip at the beginning doesn’t help: “This will be an archive of heinous actions by those involved in child welfare, foster care and adoption. We forewarn you that these are deeply disturbing stories that may involve sex abuse, murder, kidnapping and other horrendous actions.”
Frankly this situation doesn’t involve “heinous actions” by any of the above. Nor does it involve any of the long list of “horrendous actions.”
You can try to explain it away as a “category” thing all you want, but the fact is that the category (who you lump them with), the title of the post, and the blurb at the beginning all point to blaming the parents or other specific individuals.
Consider the attention to word choice and categorizing in other people’s blogs, which makes up much of your Facepalm Friday posts. Words do matter. How you lump people together does matter. Maybe it’s time to create a new category.
No we will not change this. Start your own blog and do whatever you want with it.
Actually, if you read some of Annie Kitching’s many posts on several different Russian adoption websites, she seems to fit perfectly into the ‘older, self satisfied, clueless, do-gooder’ any agency will allow to adopt. She took on 4 older Russian orphan kids, and perhaps several others through unreported disruptions, after her biological children were gone. Kitching posts repeatedly about RAD , attachment therapy, Forbes and Frederici. That is hardly ‘main stream’. If fact, it is the opposite of accepted practice. Attachment therapy is a dangerous farce perpetrated by uneducated charlatans preying on ignorant over-the-hill mooncalves who bit off more than they could chew and are in way over their heads.
Annie Kitching is responsible for her poor child’s death. That kid never stood a chance. Instead of seeking trained mental health professionals and prescribing the proper medications, Mrs Kitching instead chose to go on-line and take the anecdotal advice of fellow morons who look for simple solutions to tremendously complex problems. Just because they have also adopted from Russia does not make anyone an authority. Do you care of the doctor who found that lump on your chest is himself a breast cancer survivor?
Robert, Wow. I didn’t realize that there was such a paper trail of postings about RAD. I did see that she closed her blog at the behest of her children.Thank you for sharing your perspective though I cringe with blaming parents for suicide as it is so complex and upsetting but you have some salient points. Sigh.
Actually, many of her recent postings about RAD were about why she didn’t buy into the ideas that her kids were by nature manipulative or needed constant authoritarian control. Some of her lasts posts on her public blog were defending herself against people who said she was too easy on her kids or that she let them control the family. And “perhaps several others”?? Really?? And she did seek real mental health care for her kids.
Finally, speaking from personal experience, it is possible to be a kid who wants to commit suicide due to MENTAL ILLNESS, even without a history of trauma or family problems. Maybe part of the reason parents are so reluctant to seek help for their kids is because they can count on the judgment of people like Robert blaming them while knowing very little about the actual situation (“perhaps several others through unreported disruptions”?? really??)
Don’t get me wrong. Elya definitely had a history of trauma and family problems. And then on top of those he was adopted and moved to a foreign country to live among strangers (other than his bio siblings). And he really seems to have had something neurobiological going on. Maybe the two were related. But all those things are unrelated to the family’s actual parenting of him once they got him home.
Blame the fact of intercountry adoption if you like, even blame the parents’ enthusiasm to adopt another older child or naiveté for thinking that reuniting the siblings would be worth the downsides for them, but don’t blame their actual parenting for causing the poor boy’s death. At least, not without some serious evidence to back it up. Don’t say they didn’t seek medical treatment for him when by all accounts they did. Don’t say it’s because they adopted “perhaps several more” children when that in fact never happened.
(And as an aside, I’ve read accounts of adopted kids who are haunted by the memories of the suicides they stumbled upon while living in the orphanages back in Eastern Europe. So remaining in the orphanage certainly doesn’t make a child suicide-proof. It just means that we don’t learn about that outcome here in the U.S.
And, no, I won’t be linking to blogs that recount these narratives. An unfortunate consequence of such insensitive coverage is that you actually end up effecting less transparency in the long run. I’ve shared other links with you in the past, but won’t be doing so again. It’s one thing to bring truth to light; it’s quite another to subject families to these types of wild, unfounded accusations and completely un-nuanced coverage.)
Odd to me you seem to believe you have some insight on any of this – just from reading a blog my mother writes as a hobby. You do not know jack about Ilyas background. Ilya was in and out of psychiatric hospitals and had professional help regularly. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I have no doubt that Ilya would be the first to my mothers defense if he could. In fact – if he saw someone write “Annie Kitching was responsible for her poor child’s death” he would probably sock you in the face. (he was very Russian that way) Thanks for all your judgements though – they obviously do a whole lot of good for everyone involved. Keep up you’re wonderful work of dissecting and criticizing other peoples tragedies – you’re making such a positive impact on our world.
Lydia – interesting take on your parents “success” at parenting!
Especially since rumor has it your a/sister Nastia’s (age 16? 17?) SECOND pregnancy is the “solution” to your infertility problems! You reportedly get to ADOPT her SECOND KID!
http://getoffmyinternets.net/forums/mommy-bloggers/christian-blogger-parents-who-adopt-from-foreign-countries/page-166/?p2202367
Catholic Annie herself kept the first one after allegedly refusing to let her then 13 yo go on the pill or get an abortion when she got pregnant the FIRST time at 14!
This link takes the reader to material that was lifted from a private, password protected blog. Shame on you for allowing it to be posted here.
Name,
The APs probably password-protected their blog in response to the GOMI Thread about it. The poster wouldn’t have have posted the URL as documentation if the blog post in question hadn’t been publicly-viewable at the time.
Lydia Kitching,
Socking someone in the face because they said something you don’t like isn’t being “very Russian”; it’s being very violent, no matter what ethnicity you belong to.
No one is denying that Ilya Kitching had lots of pre-existing psychological problems before his adoption, as did Nastia. And adoption is no magical fix for such problems.
The thing is, Rescue Adoption advocates claim that international adoption, Twu Wuv, and lots of Bible CAN “fix” any child’s issue. In fact, they pat themselves on the back for ignoring social workers’ recommendations and best practices in favor of “trusting God”.
Then when things go pear-shaped, they blame social workers, doctors, teachers, and all other “secular” organizations for the bad outcome. Never themselves. Nor do they question their ability to discern God’s Will– the adoption WOULD have worked if they’d gotten the “support” they should have. Never mind that if they’d educated themselves beforehand they’d realize that these kinds of support services are rare to nonexistent.
Lydia Kitching is also benefiting from her adopted sister’s misfortunes– Lydia can’t get pregnant, Nastia’s pregnant AGAIN at 17 and Lydia gets to adopt the baby!
Of course she thinks everything her mommy Annie does is perfect — because it results in her getting what she wants! A gorgeous, white, newborn, womb-fresh baby from her a/sister!
(Perhaps if Annie had seen Ilya’s issues as mental illness — rather than demons to be exorcised — sooner, Ilya might still be alive! There was a good long while when Annie was thrilled to bits that Ilya was finally reading / memorizing bible verses… and ignored the hallucinations!).
Lydia getting Nastia’s baby may not be a done deal. Annie was supposed to get the first one, but CPS stepped in because the medical staff got alarmed at how Annie was pressuring Nastia to surrender.
Do you know how that came out? Did Annie wind up adopting her adoptive grandchild, or is Nastia parenting the child? It didn’t seem that Nastia was too enthusiastic about being a primary caregiver at 14, but it’s not clear how much that may have been due to the fact that all events were being related by Annie.
No matter what happened then, now that Nastia is older and more mature, she may want to parent THIS child. So it’s an open question as to whether she’ll be willing to sign away her rights after birth.
Annie Kitching DID get Nastia’s baby — Monnie! She adopted Monnie more than 2 yrs ago!
No reason to believe Lydia won’t get the second kid!!!
Perhaps CPS should be notified? That might prevent Nastia from being railroaded into surrendering against her will.
Though it should be noted that all other things being equal, if Nastia DOESN’T want to parent at this time, she’ll have more assured contact with the child growing up if Lydia adopts it than a stranger who promises an “open” adoption.
Annie Kitching’s at it again — she’s forcing her adopted daughter Nastia (age 17, this is her SECOND baby, Annie adopted the 1st who is called Monica & is 3 yo) to relinquish her SECOND baby to… her (Annie’s) biological daughter Lydia & son-in-law Vance!
Annie is so sick as to think Lydia “deserves” a womb-fresh, lily-white newborn… and Nastia doesn’t!
Bullying your mentally ill adopted child so as to provide your BIOLOGICAL child with her heart’s desire (Nastia’s baby) is EXPLOITATIVE, VILE & should be ILLEGAL!!!!
*Annie’s on the MI registry of bad parents, as you may recall that:
– Annie forbade Nastia from getting birth control at 13 (literally, in the pediatrician’s office with her girl) and SHOCKER getting an an abortion when she was pregnant at 14!
– Nastia accused her adopted dad / brothers / removed-for-cause-foster-son
of sexually assaulting her and Annie flipped out when the MANDATED REPORTER therapist called CPS
http://getoffmyinternets.net/forums/mommy-bloggers/christian-blogger-parents-who-adopt-from-foreign-countries/page-24/
http://getoffmyinternets.net/forums/mommy-bloggers/christian-blogger-parents-who-adopt-from-foreign-countries/page-25/
– she’s sent her other adopted son Zhenya to indefinite “respite” with Lydia & Vance
– failed to get help for her adopted son Ilya in a timely manner… and the boy committed suicide. Maybe the suicide was inevitable, but Annie KNEW HE HAD A FAMILY HISTORY SCHIZOPHRENIA didn’t think timely action was warranted.
Um… is Zhenya one of the brothers accused of sexually abusing Nastia? If so, wouldn’t CPS take a jaundiced view about allowing Lydia to adopt a newborn while boarding a sex offender?
I believe Zhen, Maxim and Annie’s husband were investigated for sexually abusing Nastia but cleared.
The extra-awful is that Lydia has pretty much always LOATHED Nastia — she had zero patience for a girl she considered a spoilt brat.
Lydia became mysteriously tolerant of Nastia when she found out she was preggers — in order for her and her infertile hubby to get their grubby little hands on Nastia’s baby.
****
Annie refused to let Nastia go on the pill at age 13 — Annue’s Catholic, abstinence-only is the only way!!
Annie refused to let Nastia get an abortion at 14 — and adopted that baby.
Nastia got pregnant AGAIN — no birth control.
Annie Kitching’s is horrible!!!!
It is horrible. Kitching appears to be one of those idiot parents who adopt and can’t help setting up a blog to tell the world how awesome they are for adopting, as if they have pulled off some miracle. Instead of going on-line and helping to perpetuate uncountable, dangerous misconceptions, people like Kitching and Mumm and a thousand other God inspired adopters should shut down their degenerate blogs and start paying attention to the children they are tasked with raising. And what the hell teenage kid wants their self-satisfied old mother going on-line and talking about his or her life? My adopted Russian teens would never forgive such a conceited, self-righteous attitude.
And where does anyone get off encouraging so many others to adopt when they themselves are completely oblivious about post-placement issues?
This child was not destined for suicide and death at age 17. God, they will let anyone adopt, wont they? What do you have to do to pass a home-study? Your check have to clear? And all you read about on these idiots’ blog are how bad they feel for the useless mother? What about the dead Russian kid? I have yet to see word one?
Sad that there isn’t more about the child which is why he has a post here since it is public. Yes, speaking also as an AP, they will let almost anyone adopt if the check clears.Even people that were recently released from mental institutions as long as the check clears (and I am totally serious about that.)
My parents are wonderful, gracious people…and my mother had a blog prior to adoption.
I am uncomfortable blaming any parent for a suicide, unless their merciless abusing contributed and I don’t see that here. IMHO
My understanding is that Ilya was treated at the Forest View Psychiatric Hospital in Michigan. It’s a licensed hospital with a specialist Child and Adolescent Mental Health Unit:
http://www.forestviewhospital.com/our-services_child.shtml
I believe he was in patient several times in the past month or two and that Mrs Kitching was doing everything possible to get him readmitted… but sadly the psychosis returned faster than the insurance paperwork.
(I’ve no way to know if the Kitchings pursued unlicensed, potentially dangerous and unproven “attachment” therapy from unaccredited providers in the past, but it does appear they’ve done everything on the up and up for their son in the past year or so).
Thank you for posting this.
Ahh, the first halfway informed post in this thread…
I hesitate writing this, but here it goes…I did not know about some of the things readers posted here. However, it appears from other public posts I have read of the mom in the past that they worked very hard to find and support ties and relationships with their children’s biological family members. That is something we don’t see often in the adoption community and something that I personally think should be commended. I don’t know what happened in this tragedy, but my heart goes out to them and the boy’s extended family members both here and across the globe.
You have an important point and I am glad you shared that with everyone as that is part of this whole picture. Connecting with bio family members is something that is good and I wish that more adoptive parents would do that. I mourn for all the losses that we post here.
I too was unaware of *any* of the items brought forward by some of our readers.So I did some research and I do see the specifics that Robert mentioned in many places. There were other children passing through the house including in 2012 though respite situations.There was an active recruitment that I can see still published on the internet for the past few years. My concern is extended to those remaining people in the house, whomever they are as it is unclear. Appropriate mental health access and services is a major issue which I cited but there are other high risks that others should not engage in.
I do not want what happened here repeated. There is no other way to get this across but to plainly state it. Bringing known unstable children into a house when you do not have the time or finances and other children are in need of a lot of attention should be disallowed by social workers and this type of behavior should not be praised. Should not be praised. EVER. Hate me if you want and wring your hands over my “word choice” and how “un-nuanced” it is, but like all of the other cases we post, there are important lessons to learn here and risks that should not be repeated.Period.This isn’t about blame but is about concern that these risky behaviors need to stop NOW. These respite situations and their effect on Ilya were not mentioned by the people that want me to take this post down or change the title. That omission speaks volumes to me.
So what would you critics have done in stead? Leave him in Russia in an institution or on the streets where he probably lived before? Leave him in Forest View hospital after the first suicidal episode in a padded room for the rest of his life.. because there is NEVER a point at which “mental health providers” can KNOW FOR SURE that he will be safe from suicide if returned to the community? Prevent this willing and loving (if not wealthy) family from taking children into their home when there were no others willing and instead send him to a “residential facility” in the U.S. to live out his childhood? Prevent this mom from finding a support network online so she can find the strength to go on? Where are those perfect homes where those thousands of abandoned children can go? Where are those mental health providers that are so good they can stop all the effects of trauma or mental illness and prevent any more bad feelings or events from happening to those children? Where are those foster care and adoption services that don’t hire a bunch of bachelor level workers and burn them out by giving them huge caseloads which they hide from auditors by calling half of them “temporary coverage”?
Your assertion that it’s either suicide, life in a mental institution or early death in Russia is pathetic. Such jejune drivel might carry water when you’re addressing ill-informed, non-informed self-rightious idiots, but probably wont get you very far on a board read by educated people seriously interested in adoption reform.
Are you trying to say that there were no other possible results for Ilya? How about if mom, instead of going on-line and giving lethal advice to other *** in over their heads, she get her son to a Real specialist in childhood PTSD prior to his first suicide attempt. How about instead of preaching through her blog the wonders of Attachment Therapy and extolling the genius of Heather Forbes, she instead read the latest REAL peer-reviewed articles proving AT is a dangerous farce. How about if instead of trying to solve everyone else’s Russian adoption problems, she take a look at the ones under her own roof and concentrate solely on them. How about instead of running marginally legal station on the Russian Adoption Disruption underground railroad, populating their home with other adopted kids messed up by her disciples, she shut down the blog and devote herself to providing a loving, stable, low-stress, low-pressure environment all the REAL scientists agree is the foundation to overcoming early childhood trauma?
Sounds like perhaps Ilya needed a real, full-time mother very badly, yet all he got was a self -important *** running a quasi-foster home, attention diverted to everywhere but where it might have made a critical difference.
Sorry to maybe come off as a bit harsh on moms, but maybe try not coming around here with such barren, insipid nonsense! There are dozens more choices than Russian death, American suicide, or lifetime institutionalization. For example, how about the choice between compassionate, science based treatment for traumatized children versus moronic, barbaric treatments based on anecdotal evidence foisted by adoption industry charlatans to bilk unsuspecting simpletons in way way way over their heads?
{A few words removed by Rally and replaced with ***}
It’s also worth noting that Mrs Kitching’s family has been under intense scrutiny by CPS for 6+ months. Like, mandatory, in-home, daily, “wrap around” support under “Families First”. A private therapist the family hired was obligated to call CPS, as a mandatory reporter.
Her adopted daughter (Ilya’s biosister, I think; possibly half-biosister), age 14, accused apparently accused her brothers of molesting her – the allegations were reportedly unfounded. But. The 14 yr old girl had a baby that mrs Kitching is adopting (and the family’s behavior prompted both a hospital nurse and hospital social worker to independently contact CPS, as they are mandatory reporters).
Heartbreaking, all of this.
Robert and Name, thanks for sharing your thoughts and information. This case has many complexities and unfortunately ongoing consequences for adoptees still in the household. My wish is that all PAPs and APs really seek to understand what PTSD is because so many nonnewborn adoptees will have this coming from tough circumstances and to accept that as an AP you are going to have to be your child’s case manager and continue to push for whatever your child needs. If that means not fulfilling your dream of having more kids or whatever, then too bad for you-you need to deal with whatever needs your current kids have. Every parent needs to be aware of the following overlapping mental health symptoms chart that we have previously reported about: http://www.mofas.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Overlapping-Characteristics-3-23-10-CBT.pdf You need to use this with health professional, teachers, coaches etc and continue to question your child’s provider as you tweak their therapies. Note that mood swings, difficulty in relationships and several other characteristics are part of SEVERAL diagnoses and that trauma and poverty also cause symptoms that may appear to be disorders.Bonding difficulty does not automatically mean RAD. What may look like anxiety on the outside, also may not be anxiety in the psychological disorder sense.
Lastly, the adoption agency should not be on your list of choices of where you should get advice on mental health issues. They don’t know squat. Advice that you see on the internet can be good but be careful on HOW you use it. It should be used as a *tool for conversation with a licensed professional* not to diagnose and self-treat your child. Again look at the overlapping characteristics of issues. And that doesn’t even cover learning disabilities and language proficiency issues that also overlap with that list.
I just wanna say that I know Mrs Kitching is a hard worker and that she is trying to help by adopting people…Her heart is formed by Christ, its obvious. The bible says we will know them by their fruit, and she is fruitful. I dont see anyone else out there trying to help those in need. Like Jesus was persecuted for helping, Annie Kitching is being persecuted for her help as well…It should go without being said that this person had a chance at life and lived quite longer than he would have without a family like the Kitchings.
Annie has encouraged me to do the same thing, to help orphans!
I know of one other family that helps orphans, think of that! Out of everyone I know I only know two families that are willing to open their door and help…Now that takes a big heart ladies and gentlemen.!!! To God be the Glory
Well, the owners of this blog are adoptive parents who adopted children in need and we support all kinds of charities that provide for children and I will go out on a limb to say that my regular commenters also are either adoptive parents and/or support children charities, so if you are implying that because we report and question bad things that this is all we do, you are dead wrong and insulting to boot. And you have no way of knowing whether this child would have had a longer life with this family or another. That is a complete made-up fantasy. No one has the answer to that except God and you are not God.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am not God
Hey did you see that no more Russian kids are allowed to be adopted in the United States now?
Where are they going to go ?
Thanks for clarifying that your aren’t God. And no, we had no idea anything was going on in Russia this week! Thanks for sharing that!
God works within me because I go by what I know and not by what I think.
Its sites like this with misleading warnings, and totally false information about gentle and loving people that help to steal, kill and destroy what God has tried so hard to help form with his son Jesus.
I see here that someone that has helped lift me out of darkness (as I am one of the people that loves being in her life because of the fruit that she has to offer) is being wrongfully accused of being too old to help and all this other nonsense after helping someone.
If you really Think you could have done better than Annie Kitching then good for you and your pride.
Put your keyboard down and take your medicine. Our warnings if heeded would actually prevent a lot of pain. YOu haven’t actually read any of them because you wouldn’t be posting this gibberish.No one here has tried to compare themselves to the mother. LOL. Yikes.
*** Rally has taken the liberty to combine all of the crazy comments that this person has sent into 1 message. These are the last messages that will be approved from this person. I want my readers to see the type of people who are against reforming adoption in all of their glory***
Message 1:
What are you so scared of?
I was just restating what you said and then you gave me credit for clarifying what is obvious.
Medicine? I dont need medicine, I have a mom that loves me and that is all we need.
Message 2:
“Put your keyboard down and take your medicine. Our warnings if heeded would actually prevent a lot of pain.”
Congratulations, now no more kids from Russia can be adopted.
Help needs to be encouraged.
…You are not preventing any pain by tormenting me
Message 3: I’m going to see to it that this site gets shut down
Message 4:Wait, what am I thinking? Why should I close a site that cares so much about children?
I mean, I was a baby once…My real mom never listened to me when it came to smoking, I’m used to not having my thoughts cared about by some people…The least I can do is help things out here =)
Hey, Mr. Moderator do you need me to relax, take a chill pill, so the stress i’m causing on your site will be regulated and or go away…I feel great though…So do my parents, they like what they are seeing here now because the real truth is coming out about worldly people.
***Rally’s response: You are truly insane to congratulate me for what adoption agencies have done that have caused Russia to close adoption. You aren’t stressing me out. We are LOL at you.***
Listen to me, St. Thomas. Only a few billion people in this world do not believe in your Jesus and find your posturing and puffery about your God both ridiculous and repugnant. Kindly keep your religious claptrap to yourself. How is “what you know” –talk about self-flattery! – going to give concrete help families in distress with children who are profoundly troubled and need intense psychiatric help?
. . . The title of this post is “How could you? Hall of Shame”. Whenever someone sees that title, they’re going to know you mean the worse and you are being highly disrespectful. The fact that you mentioned Ilya’s whole name is what I am mostly annoyed by. So now, not only have you insulted his mother, you’ve also shown other people how to find her and contact her, completely violating her privacy.
You go to her blog assuming that you know everything because you read a couple of posts when you have never met Ilya in your life. For one, you don’t even know the reason she made the blogs. You’re assuming she made them because she wanted to get credit when that isn’t the case at all. How do you know she didn’t make the blog for herself to take some time out and just type about how she’s feeling and to get support of some of the people that reads her blog, which is so wonderful.
Ilya’s mother was not at all to blame here. As a person that knows Ilya AND his mother I know that she did everything she possibly could. She got him admitted to Forest View and they did all they could as well. Ilya was doing great, he never showed anyone that he was feeling down or depressed. His death was so sudden and no one expected it. You cannot blame his mother for this because she did all that she could to help him on what Ilya let her know. Ilya never spoke on how he feels and if you knew him you would know that. No one can read a person’s mind and if you knew a person with a mental issue, you’d know that if they never show they’re hurting, there is nothing that can be done except for different methods other than talking. Ilya was planned to try a different method and his death just came out of nowhere. He was so caring and giving. You really need to remove his name right away out of respect for him, because this is extremely rude.
This matter is public knowledge. These are the cases we list in our archive. The death of a child does mean “the worse” as you say.There have been many suicides of adoptees in recent years. All deaths publicly mentioned are recorded in this archive.
Annie Kitching would do anything to help her kids.
This site is misleading, and could lead to the deaths of more children that actually need someone that is actually willing to help.
-Respectfully
George Watson
George – Annie Kitching’s son Ilya commuted suicide at 17, his biosister Natasha accused her father and brothers of sexually abusing her and subsequently got pregnant at the ripe old age of 14. Annie also let her ex-foster son Maxim (who was REMOVED by CPS a few years back) move back into her home the day he turned 18. Multiple social workers and doctors independently contacted CPS with their concerns regarding the welfare of Annie’s adopted children — and CPS had folks in her home on a daily basis for months and months. CPS felt further supervision was warranted!
Iiya and Natasha would likely had been better off in russia than in Annie Kitching’s home — if for no reason other than those kids could not possibly have ended up worse off than dead at 17 and knocked up at 14 and living in a home where other kids have been removed by CPS following allegations of abuse/neglect!
You are vastly mistaken. If you could spend 5 minutes in my family’s home, you would realize what a waste of indignation all of this is. Calm down. Yes – we had a huge loss. Yes, my sister puts on theatrics and acts out to get attention. That’s all. We are close. You don’t even have her name correct. You really know your stuff…
lydia this her mom’s the bees knees… Even when Annie Kitching (scarily) offers her incredibly awful parenting advice to other parents of adopted, traumatized kids — like her bloggy friend MamapoRuski’s adopted daughter O, way down in the comments section:
https://mamaporuski.wordpress.com/2015/01/11/transition-to-adulthood-the-tough-love-approach/
What kind of mom would willingly take advice from Annie, who ended up on the CPS Bad Parents and whose adopted kids ended up in such awful shape? Who happily allowed the Maxim (aka Russian foster son removed for CAUSE! Whom her adopted daughter Natasha accused of sexually abusing her!! That’s Natasha who got pregnant as a young teen!) to MOVE BACK INTO THE HOUSE NATASHA STILL LIVED IN!
Because that’s good parenting? That’s the sort of parenting you’d want to emulate?!
She swears O has symptoms of RAD that don’t appear in DSMV and that the girl is ruining her life:
https://mamaporuski.wordpress.com/2014/12/06/were-running-away/
https://mamaporuski.wordpress.com/2014/12/13/a-great-read-on-rad/
She blames O for her hubby’s viral illness and a precancerous medical condition:
https://mamaporuski.wordpress.com/2015/02/02/manic-monday/
https://mamaporuski.wordpress.com/2014/11/18/roots/
https://mamaporuski.wordpress.com/2015/01/03/home-again-2/
Heck, Mamaporuski knows that O requires several more reconstructive surgeries… yet won’t let her girl get them! She can afford to do so, happily got adopted Z the surgeries he needed but just WILL NOT for poor O!
Carlee,
There are so many cases of adoptees being declared to have Nancy Thomas RAD™ on the grounds they aren’t the compliant, affectionate, “appreciative” kids Rescue Adopters were led to expect by the adoption industry.
And Child Collection makes things worse, because APs come to view the child they have most difficulty bonding with as the “bad kid”, while favoring the “good” kid(s) . This adds new traumas to whatever psychological problems the “difficult one” started out with!
BTW, I thought Annie Kitching was trying to be the voice of reason in the comments on Mama Poruski’s blog.
Astrin, I’ve always noticed that Internet-RAD includes “crazy lying” among it’s symptoms, and parents point to that as an attempt to manipulate them. Then I think about the video that went viral a year or so ago of a little boy, maybe 2, swearing he didn’t eat the sprinkles, even when his mom pointed out the sprinkles all over his face. The former is proof of pathology, the later is cute, but both are at the exact same developmental stage!
Terrie – That’s hilarious! And I really hadn’t thought of “crazy lying” as a developmental stage… and it kind of is. Even in kids older than 2!
Riiiiight after I finished grad school, my stepmom kindly lent me her cottage for a few days, so I could chill on the beach with my then-boyfriend and a few close friends. When I got there, my stepbrother was there with his friends (WITHOUT permission!), having thrown a clandestine party that he hadn’t really cleaned up after there (so of course I told on him!).
During the cottage days, I had way too many strawberry margaritas and threw up on the VERY expensive WHITE carpet — that left a permanent stain, that I totally blamed on my stepbrother. Who got in BIG trouble for it.
I was 22 at the time. My stepbrother is almost 8 years OLDER than me.
(My stepbrother was a snot. I felt no guilt. I am not traumatized, not adopted and was DEFINITELY old enough to know better. Crazy-lying indeed 🙂
Terrie,
*sigh* The divide between benign and pathological has always been in the eye of the beholder.
No words.
https://mamaporuski.wordpress.com/2015/03/03/intimacy-crasher/
“. O is egocentric and paranoid. Everything is about her. When mom and dad are exchanging quiet romantic glances or flirting she thinks we are talking about her and interrupts. If we deny her suspicions she makes a scene and will not be convinced it’s not about her. She keeps pestering us until we make it about her.
O does not take “no” for an answer. She doesn’t catch subtle hints and she outright defies instructions, a request or even a command. She feels entitled to know everything to her satisfaction, even private issues that are none of her business. She does not respect boundaries.
On top of her mood disorder issues she is fiercely attached to me to the point of feeling the need to control me to ensure she doesn’t lose me. Having her own past of abuse she worries constantly that someone, including J will hurt me. She once very seriously brought her concerns to me about my traveling with a male boss and whether or not he ever did things to make me uncomfortable or hurt me.”
Name,
Re: O not catching “subtle hints”.
Dear Mama Poruski,
When you adopt an institutionalized teen out of her language and culture, expecting her to pick up on subtle hints is extremely unreasonable. So is expecting her to automatically “get” what you view as appropriate boundaries between family members.
Yes, this situation sounds extremely uncomfortable and distressing for you and your husband. But YOU’RE the ones who decided to ignore secular best practices’ recommendations about not adopting out of birth order. It’d be nice if instead of blaming O for not having the interpersonal skills you want her to have, you’d admit that YOU misjudged how demanding parenting O was going to be.
Georgo Watson,
The first step in addressing a problem is admitting that it exists. This site’s goal is to get people to recognize that problems exist and work on solving them– in the name of leading to better outcomes for everyone involved.
http://www.medicaldaily.com/adopted-teens-4-times-more-likely-attempt-suicide-stark-reminder-clinicians-should-take-parental
The entry seemed pretty sympathetic to the Kitchings to me. It told people where to go to donate for funeral costs.
If I’m remembering who the Kitchings are correctly, they adopted kids who came with major pre-existing psychiatric issues. Putting the requirement of gaining fluency in a new language on such children places a barrier between them and effective mental health services. It’s possible that their interests would be better served by remaining in their native lands and receiving therapy there– in their native language.
I’m not sure what you mean by “…lead to the deaths of more children that actually need someone that is actually willing to help…” Are you actually suggesting that PAPs shouldn’t be told the truth about the problems existing in international adoption, lest they decide not to adopt? How can lying and deception be said to be in ANYONE’S best interests?
Also, Ilya Kitching IS dead. So is Max Shatto. And Hana Williams. Selah Clanton came very close to dying, and remains in a comatose state.
The ultimate goal of adoption reform is to prevent such bad outcomes, while raising the ratio of good ones.
Annie Kitching’s not only forced her adopted daughter Nastia to give her SECOND baby to Annie’s biological, infertile daughter Lydia (Annie kept the 1st baby, Nastia just turned 18), she advised LYDIA NOT TO INFORM THE BIOLOGICAL FATHER THAT NASTIA GAVE THE BABY AWAY!
Because the biodad of baby Olive didn’t register on Florida’s putatative birth father registry (gee, given that Nastia and Annie usually live in Michigan, I wonder why??), so had no rights and didn’t HAVE to be informed (true but awful).
Finally, Lydia has always LOATHED Nastia — but sucked up to her to get a womb-fresh white baby, the baby her infertility denied her from her loathed adopted sister!
For shame!!
Gossip, gossip. The teen bio father was served notice and signed termination papers. Way to keep up!
Lydia and Nastya have a decade age gap and never lived in the same home. They have a pleasant rapport all things considered.