Ethical Adoption and Prospective Parent Motivation
What constitutes an ethical adoption? “Ethics” and “ethical” are buzzwords constantly tossed around by those in the adoption and child-welfare industry, sometimes flippantly.
We want to address a prospective parent’s motivation for adopting as a starting point.
First you need to ask yourself, why is it you want to adopt? Or better yet, what is it you desire to bring to a child’s life?
You might say, Well, I want to be a parent; or, if you are already a parent, I want to be a parent to another child. That’s fine, but what is motivating this desire? It is an important and honest question that we feel must be asked. Because honest answers and reflection may influence how you go about adopting.
Do you want to look good in your community or church by helping a child in need?
Do you want to adopt because of a maternal or paternal desire you have that needs filling?
Do you want to parent a child and give them the best life possible, helping them to become the most successful, fulfilled person they can be?
It is easy to say that we are all motivated by the last scenario, but a quick peek on adoption chat lists indicates there are many, many of the first motivators posting about their beliefs. It is not our intention to imply that there is anything wrong with altruism or a deep, natural desire to be a parent. But when you enter into the child welfare arena to fulfill the desire to parent, you need to think carefully about many different aspects of what constitutes an ethical adoption
In most cases, the children available to parent from these circumstances have no say in the matter. Children are at the mercy of prospective adoptive parents, agencies, lawyers, facilitators, social workers, foreign governments, state governments, and/or guardian ad litems, who in the worst cases do not consider the child’s needs in an adoptive placement. Every child who is adopted has already suffered at least one loss in their lives (and often more than that). To adopt a child solely to meet your own needs or desires under a cloak of helping or benefiting a child is not good enough. The child’s needs must be central in any adoption.
Once you have identified why you want to adopt and you fully understand what a life-altering event this is for a child, you will need to consider how you are going to adopt. You also need to understand that money is entrenched in the adoption process and serves as a major motivator for many in the industry. As much as we would like the children’s true needs to be at the heart of the process, the fact is that prospective parents are navigating a minefield of questionable ethical steps in the current child welfare and adoption system.
We’d like to present readers with our list of what constitutes a truly ethical adoption. To us, children deserve no less than a clean, ethical, and legal adoption if and when adoption is the best option for that particular child. This list is by no means exhaustive, but rather a suggested checklist for prospective parents so they can reduce risks of unethical activity when entering a possible adoption situation or program.
Please take the necessary time to research the following information from government sites, media, chat lists, face-to-face support groups, and the links on our blog:
1. Neither coercion nor inducements of first families occurred. Children were not recruited from their biological families for the purpose of adoption.
2. Attempts where possible have been made to keep the child within his/her family of origin.
3. If old enough to fully understand what adoption truly means, potential adoptees have been given complete information about being placed with you with respect to culture, religion, language, and anything else important to the potential adoptee.
4. No trafficking, falsification of paperwork, or falsification of information contained in the children’s paperwork occurred. Movements of a child to different locations should have reasonable, credible explanations.
5. Complete social and medical history is available for the child.
6. Any fees involved in the process can be accounted for, dollar by dollar, and appear to follow the legal process in the area you are adopting from.
7. Placement considers child’s background, any medical conditions or special needs, religious background where appropriate, and culture when choosing the best adoptive home for child.
8. You have been through a thorough screening of your full abilities to parent (not a rubber-stamped home study).
9. The adoptee, original families, and prospective parents are treated with respect and professionalism.
10. You have been properly and adequately educated about adoptive parenting and both the known and possible needs of the child.
11. You are determined to meet those needs to the best of your abilities.
12. You demonstrate a commitment to validating the child’s original culture and/or family.
13. You recognize the importance of the original family and previous caregivers to your child. You agree to maintain ties with family of origin, foster parents, or other caregivers where those individuals are known and want continued contact either directly or under the supervision of a knowledgeable counselor or other intermediary with safeguards in place. Adopted children should not be forced against their will to maintain contact; if, however, children do want contact, you have the responsibility to ensure this happens in a manner best for the child
14. Post-placement support is accessible, appropriate, and indefinite following a placement. Prospective parents need to recognize the importance of this support while they are still in the pre-adoption phase and start to demand that health and educational resources are being given by both homestudy and placing agencies
REFORM Puzzle Piece
PAPs should also ask themselves what they will do if they find themselves in the middle of an adoption where these kinds of red flags start popping up. One of the reasons, I believe, unethical adoptions continue is because so many people bite their tongues, adopt the children anyway, and then hide in secrecy in shame to protect their families. I would love to see a post detailing the 'right' steps a family should take if they find themselves in this predicament.
You know all of those things are wonderful things to be aware of and to have but I have no true evidence that steps 1-10 happened with my daughter, whom I adopted from China. So what does that mean? I should send her back? I should go looking for birthparents who possilby sold her? Nothing about adoption is perfect. Even children who are adopted stateside face issues with birthfamilies and adoptive families. So is my adoption unethical because I don't know with 100 percent certainty the answers to those questions? You would be hard pressed to tell me that it is…Do I feel that I was led by a powerful, loving and wonderful God to China to adopt my daughter…absolutely…because there is no other way on earth that a lady who had never flown, never had a desire to visit another country, never even wanted to go to China goes to China without divine intervention. I agree that there are definitely some people who adopt to save a child and I travelled with some of them in my travel group but truly who are we to question anyones motivation for adopting a child? Who are we to say that a child's best home is with a biological parent/family? God's Love was meant to teach us that families have no boundries, not DNA, not bloodlines and if there is someone who truly feels they can care for, love and raise a child, who is anyone to say no? We all know, even within our own families, children who would be better off with biological strangers than with their own flesh and blood. Who are we to forget that the Holy Family is a family created through adoption and a family created through DNA, Mary the biological mother and Joseph the adoptive father, who loved Jesus as his own son…so what is an ethical adoption? in my opinion it's a mom and dad who have prayed, become educated, followed and filled out any and all paperwork, who have the resources to care for a child, who recognize the child will have issues and questions and are willing to be open and honest, who are willing to be their for the child in good and most importantly who will raise them to be loving people, with a strong moral character, love for God and love for others…Lastly…Is it ethical to let a child live in poverty? Is it ethical to let a child live in filth? Is it ethical to let a child grow up in a home with drug use? Is it ethical to let a child grow up in a home where they are ignored or looked upon as a burden? Is it ethical to leave a child in a country where their prospects for becoming all God designed them to be are 0 to none? Is it ethical to hope that some type of service organization such as UNICEF will come around and fix all the things that are wrong in a community?
Anonymous 1 said " I would love to see a post detailing the 'right' steps a family should take if they find themselves in this predicament."
Thank you for your comment and suggestion. We have added this to our to-do list and look forward to your participation in this topic when it comes up!
Anonymous 2, thank you for reading the post and taking the time to comment. I will in turn take the time to answer your questions and give some more context to this post.So bear with the length in 2 parts
First of all I wanted to say that our list of what entails an ethical adoption was written as a standard, the foundation in which we will build our discussions on. It was written with the child in mind and not to accuse any specific person. It is the starting dot to which we will connect the other dots of the complex adoption process.
You asked what it means if you don’t have information from certain steps. Most adoptive parents do not have “true evidence” unless they have been able to verify it with the original family. What it means is to an adoptive parent is that one has to rely on both the adoption industry’s and government’s (foreign and domestic) word that the information we have is correct. Unfortunately we are hearing from more and more adoptive parents that their information is not correct, so in part, this is a heads up to a stark reality.
You said “ I should send her back?”
We said nothing about returning anyone’s child. I believe this is a fear that holds many adoptive parents back from getting involved in reform.
You said “ I should go looking for birthparents who possilby sold her?”
Why would you assume such a thing? I wonder if your adoption agency has led you to believe that this is the only reason for children being available for adoption. To turn it around to focus on your child: Why do you think your child would NOT want to find her parents?
You said” So is my adoption unethical?”
We gave a list of things to reduce risks of unethical behavior in the adoption process and each adoptive parent will have to answer that question for himself.
You said “but truly who are we to question anyones motivation for adopting a child? “
We feel that adoption should be about the best interest of the child, not the AP, so motivations matter to how the child will be raised. Unfortunately, we know of way too many disruptions from international and foster adoptions to know that motivations do matter a lot. I encourage you to continue to read our columns as we will be covering the topics of disruption, expectations and power in the near future.
You said “Who are we to say that a child's best home is with a biological parent/family?”
Of course there are situations where the child may be endangered to be with certain family members. We are for the child’s best interest. It has to be determined individually.
You said“ God's Love was meant to teach us that families have no boundries, not DNA, not bloodlines and if there is someone who truly feels they can care for, love and raise a child, who is anyone to say no? “
While I understand that this is your belief, it is not everyone’s. I think many readers will conclude from this statement that you feel that anyone can go to any family and pluck a child away if they want to raise them. I would like to steer you back to thinking of the child’s needs first and not your religion or yourself.
Anonymous 2, part 2
You said“in my opinion it's a mom and dad who have prayed, become educated, followed and filled out any and all paperwork, who have the resources to care for a child, who recognize the child will have issues and questions and are willing to be open and honest, who are willing to be their for the child in good and most importantly who will raise them to be loving people, with a strong moral character, love for God and love for others.”
While I think you describe the adoptive parent piece for your belief, you are missing the bigger and more important piece..the child. If I am to take your words on their face, you are saying if the child was stolen, sold or doesn’t want to be in your family, it still can be ethical as long as you, the adoptive parent in a vacuum, have performed the adoption process correctly. I hope that is not what you are saying. There are many parts to the adoption process. Each part can have dire consequences if the child is not truly at the center.
You said“..Lastly…Is it ethical to let a child live in poverty?”
What does that have to do with adoption?
You said“ Is it ethical to let a child live in filth? Is it ethical to let a child grow up in a home with drug use? “
Some kind of social service should get involved and react in the best need of the individual child in this case. Adoption is not a foregone conclusion for this scenario as there may be a rectification of the situation or another family member may be able to care for the child.
You said“Is it ethical to let a child grow up in a home where they are ignored or looked upon as a burden?”
We are saying that the adoption industry who makes money from it should not be in the power-making position for such a decision.
You said“ Is it ethical to leave a child in a country where their prospects for becoming all God designed them to be are 0 to none?”
I have to ask you: Where is the option of helping families and community in their own country?Why do you think that you know what God designed a certain child to be?
You said“ Is it ethical to hope that some type of service organization such as UNICEF will come around and fix all the things that are wrong in a community?” We did not mention UNICEF or any specific group but there are many groups both secular and faith-based that do help. You asked about “hope”. My hope is that people who are interested in a particular community will volunteer with one or donate money to one or start a helping group.
This is all very helpful information, including the comments being addressed. Thank you for taking the time and being so respectful in your tone and response; so many people are defensive, and that gets no one anywhere fast!
Jennifer Wilson
Thank you Jennifer. We are here to make people aware, to reform and to help people. We do provide individual help when we can when you contact us through our rallyreform@yahoo.com address. We would like IA to remain opened. We know the US government already knows about the stuff we discuss here, which begs the question of why they allow the unethical stuff to go on. I strongly feel that the only way to get things to move in the right direction is to take it direct to the consumer/PAP/AP and have the consumer force the changes. But first, they need to understand all the bad things going on and why.