All of us who have adopted have been in the “starry-eyed” phase at one point or another.
It is easy to get stuck in that 
world because of adoption industry marketing and the large, cheering crowds in some adoptive parent forums and the blogosphere.
In the case of adoption, the industry wants you to focus on the “we can give you the” moon instead of seeing the big picture that includes the truth “stars” in the illusion demonstrated below. If you manage to stay perfectly still, and concentrate your eyes on the moon (not moving your head), you’ll experience the disappearance of the stars.
It takes several steps over time to snap out of it. As an encouragement to those early in the process, we wanted to share a post from someone who is starting to snap out of the hard-sell special needs advocating and the right to privacy part. She has several more steps/”truth” stars to go in understanding the big picture of adoptions from China and the importance of the child’s original family, though. We recommend reading all the comments in the post as well.
Excerpt: “I think I spread more good than do harm — with one possible exception: the years I spent convincing the world to adopt older children from abroad.
There are different ways to build a family and we chose to build ours through adoption. My now 14-year-old daughter was 5.5 years old when we brought her home from China and my son, now 11, was 4.5 years old. Beyond that, their stories are theirs to share and you won’t be hearing the details of their early years from me. At least not anymore.
I spent the first few years of motherhood using my kids as poster children for older special needs adoptions. I think I, in part, fell into the role because unlike the 15 percent of the population that is adopted but you can’t tell by looking at them, it is obvious to all who see us that ours is an adoptive family. This, combined with my natural inclination to share advice with the world, propelled me to become an adoption ambassador — and I dragged my kids along for the ride. I spoke advocated adoption publicly, showed off my children often, spent hours talking to families who were on the fence and posted in online communities wherever I could to encourage people to do what I’d done.
On more than one occasion, I invited a family struggling with infertility to dinner and let my kids charm their socks off. Oozing adorableness, my daughter would give them a tour of her room, showing off her precious music box . She’d tell them how it came from China “just like me.” She’d give hugs freely and I could see our guests melt to her sweet ways. It worked so effectively that we know at least three little girls from China who found their forever families because of my kids. And I certainly have no regrets there.
I saw my role as educator. I could spout the 411 on every country’s adoption policies, answer every question, calm fears and address every argument anyone had. I never took offense at the intrusive questions every adoptive family gets. (The most absurd was always: “Are they yours?”) But invariably, I would steer the conversation back to where I could determine the motive behind the question. If they weren’t sincere potential adopters, I would cut my answer off quickly. If they were, I moved in for the kill.”
REFORM Puzzle Piece
Several of the comments on that article echo what many adoptive families hear on a regular basis – "Why didn't you adopt an American child? There are so many in need of families." What people don't realize is that the vast majority of children truly available for adoption in the U.S. are over age 5. There may be lots of younger children in foster care, but most of those children are not legally eligible to be adopted. Especially if you already have young children in your family, you have to consider whether it is best for everyone (including the child you plan to adopt) to adopt out of birth order. In our case, our oldest (and only, at the time) child was 3 when we first started considering adoption. We were advised by several professionals (those who did NOT stand to "profit" from our decision to adopt internationally) that it was better not to adopt an older child. We had not parented past age 3, nor were we willing to take a chance that a difficult adjustment would jeopardize our son's safety and possibly disrupt the adoption itself. Some people assume we are "racist" because we adopted an Asian child rather than a Black child – how ridiculous. Our decisions were always based on what was best for our children – both biological and adopted.
Anonymous, thanks for your comment. I wonder if you realize that the vast majority of children in orphanages (those that *may* be eligible for international adoption) are ALSO over age 5? THAT is the stars part of the illusion. So what I am trying to say is that PAPs make decisions on FALSE information…information that is fed to them by the industry (like there are 1 million babies in China waiting for foreign families, like 5 million children affected by AIDS in Ethiopia is the same as 5 million children that require international adoption). That info is false and always has been false.