Talking About Trafficking to Your Adopted Child

We will add the parts that are missing in orange text .

“Talking to your child about the possibility of trafficking is not easy. Here’s how to open the dialogue.

As news of child trafficking in China and Guatemala make headlines, rumors are rife about the negative aspects of intercountry adoption. [“Rumors” are not rife. Trafficking for adoption HAS occurred in many places and it continues. This is not a “negative” to intercountry adoption, but a negative to the corrupt adoption industry running the process and the governments that turn a blind eye or even help.] Sadly, fact has overtaken fiction [It NEVER was fiction.] in more than a few countries that are or have recently been closed to U.S. adopting parents. Countries that closed because of concerns over coercion of birthparents, trafficking of children, and/or illegal gain by adoption agents include Vietnam, Cambodia, Nepal, Guatemala, and Romania. China, reputedly, is working to contain corroborated trafficking within its orphanage system. [Why not mention African countries like Liberia, Rwanda and yes the current situation in Ethiopia?]

Faced with such accounts of trafficking, many parents have an instinctive reaction of shock and disbelief. By adopting, could they have fueled this trade? In the midst of concerns about trafficking, how can parents make their child’s story accessible to him as they try to make sense of facts and fiction? [Great question, but this isn’t answered in this piece. To make your child’s story accessible, you would have to find out the truth in it. See our post on ethical considerations here on steps to take]For many of us, it seems necessary now to help our children understand what’s being reported about trafficking. Yet, some parents question the need to bring up things that happened in their child’s past, things that, in their opinion, are surely “best forgotten.”[What is missing is actually finding out if the story is true and if your child has birthparents or other original family members that are searching for them. This is a huge missing part. Talking is merely step one. Your child will likely want to know more-information that you likely don’t have to provide them yet.]

Why admit that money may have driven the birthparents’ decision, or that a child may have been sold by one parent, while the other parent did not consent? [Wow, more is missing here. Stealing the child is not mentioned and it needs to be. That HAS happened and very well could be a possibility. Also, coercion to abandon or harvest has happened. It is NOT always about birthfamily making money from an adoption, although sometimes that does happen.] Parents want to protect their child, shield her from harsh realities, and embrace her as a family member. Won’t these and other possibilities confuse a child, adding to her pain?

At the nub of such concerns is the reality that the nurturing role of an adoptive parent is tough. You are parenting in the present, and that means making sense of the past. If corruption exists in your child’s birth country or may have played a role in your son’s adoption, it is your job to give him a truthful account of his past. Otherwise, the child will certainly find out another way, from his peers, other kids’ parents, newspaper headlines that scream “Baby Buying” and “Money-Driven Adoption,” Facebook, or YouTube. [How about headlines that read Parent trying to find child or Guatemalan Child ordered back to Guatemala?This part leaves out the birthparent/victim of trafficking.] A child who knows the basics about adoption and trafficking, and his own journey to his family, is empowered by knowing. He is in charge of his story.

Even if a child has no linguistic memory of his past, many experts say that, at some level, children carry sensory memories of all that has happened to them. Your child will look to you to ground his fears and feelings as he grows—and to support him as he explores the full history of his life.

TOOLS FOR TELLING

If facts are not known, parents can offer “what-ifs,” possibilities involving the child’s pre-adoption history. These aren’t fictional stories, but reasonable possibilities that may have affected our children, given what we know and can deduce about their circumstances from reading, researching, and the news. Describe the situation in the child’s birth country, even if it involves closure, a slowdown, or trafficking. Discussions won’t be fruitful until the child is about five years old, but it’s good practice to start telling the story earlier, in an age-appropriate way. Here’s how to open the dialogue:

1. Tune in together…and then discuss. You might watch kids’ news programs on television with a younger child. Read and comment on newspapers with an older child. Current affairs shows can spark discussion. Go lightly. You might talk about how trafficked babies might feel, or what it feels like to work in bad factory conditions or have to work as a street beggar as a child. [Missing here is how it would feel to be a restavek, household help, farm labor and or to be trafficked to educational institutions and being lied to about being educated and instead adopted out of country.] Other sources:

+ Read English versions of newspapers in your child’s birth country for commentary on social conditions.

+ Look for current affairs programs online that offer additional commentary on or photographic coverage of events that take place in your child’s country, or in other countries.

[+Read ALL available FOIA on the child’s birthcountry. See Schuster Institute]

2. After talking or watching a TV program together, always “return” to the security of your home and family. End discussions with hugs, and be prepared for emotions as your child processes what she is learning. [Prepare for your child wanting to actually find out the answers of his or her past.] Kids around this time might like to see copies of their adoption paperwork or citizenship papers. These things reassure them that their adoption is secure.[ But what if it is NOT secure? That is the REAL issue. And what if the paperwork doesn’t match their memories? Many cases of trafficking have been brought to light by the CHILD who remembers things differently from the paperwork. This step is making the assumption that the paperwork is truthful-that is the LEAST likely part to be true in a trafficking situation!]

3. Homeland trips can provoke discussion about social conditions with tweens, and shed light on why trafficking may occur. A trip might include visits to the place where the child was born and orphanages.

4. Stay active in your local and online adoption network, or search for a community that is open to discussion. It is scary to hear the words that undermine the adoptions you have made. Families need support when dealing with this. [You must prepare to take further steps when the opportunity arises. Talking alone is not going to cut it.You need to think of ways that you can get the answer for your child and you need to consider the use of DNA and its ability to match.]

5. Discuss your adoption network’s comments on trafficking, poverty, and birthparent intentions with your child when you think he will be able to understand them. [While this may be useful, most adoption communities do NOT want to discuss this and the comments will be along the lines that the media and birthparents seeking their kids are lying or that YOU are stirring up trouble. Additionally, the network will have NO CLUE on your child’s birthparent’s intentions! Many networks are RUN by adoption agencies themselves and they squelch information to continue to promote lies.]

6. Listen to what your child says in response to your discussion-starters; her thoughts matter.[The child’s thoughts matter the most, much more than your adoption community. But your child must FIRST have a big picture understanding of what is going on so they can grasp what the issues are.] Provide extra support if you know there are comments in local newspapers about intercountry adoption and “babies for sale.” She may take it to heart, and need extra help.[And sadly the part about babies for sale may be true for your child.]

7. Lifebooks are a wonderful tool, in which your child’s “what-ifs” and the social background of her birth country can be discussed. [Lifebooks of a trafficked child will be 100% false as they are made from false information from your agency. Social background of your CHILD’s history will be the important part not “social background of her birth country” whatever that means.]

For More Information

· abcofohio.net: Gregory C. Keck, Ph.D., a therapist specializing in attachment and adoption, and an adoptive dad, has related articles on how and why parents must be honest, even about difficult topics, with their children.

· Love Our Way: In her book, Julia Rollings tells how she and her family survived trafficking, and united with the birth family.”

We strongly recommend reading Love Our Way. It is on our book list here.

Overall what needs to be understood is that as an adoptive parent, you are responsible for assisting your child as best you can with coping with separation and loss.

Rally recommends the book Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss by Claudia Jewett Jarratt. Adoption is one of the many topics covered in the book. The whole book applies to this situation. The possibility of being trafficked is another loss.

One point that the book makes is that it is best to hear news about losses from a close caregiver, so now that it is in the news, you will be the best person for your child to hear this from. Another thing to keep in mind that is discussed in the book is that grief is cyclical. You can try to put your head in the sand about this all you want, but this will not be a one-time conversation. Your child is going to learn about this one way or another. Do you really want to additionally have to answer for why YOU chose not to share this important information with them?

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